


You Came, You Really Came for Me

by RI_gg632



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Body Carvings, Bruises, Carnage - Freeform, Cassidy MAY...MAY be abusive in this, Cassidy is a jerk in this, Divergence from s15e01 Surrender Benson, Dragged by hair, Episode: s15e01 Surrender Benson, F/M, If there's more (which I'm sure there will be) I'll add them later, Implied Torture, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Cutting, Not self-inflicted cutting, Rape/Non-con Elements, Words carved into body, post ep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:40:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 56,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27667616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RI_gg632/pseuds/RI_gg632
Summary: **Please be aware of Ch. 12 further trauma that could trigger some appear and will be prevalent throughout the story!****From Ch. 8 on proceed with caution, lots of triggers (nothing as of now is self-inflicted but you should be aware that it will likely arise, and I'll update tags accordingly) but PLEASE be aware Ch. 8 has many triggers being discussed and they will continue to play a large part in this story**Post-15x01 I've been reading a lot of E/O fanfic and I just wanted a story like this, Elliot comes for Olivia after Lewis and he doesn't leave her side again please let me know what you think
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 92
Kudos: 86





	1. You Came, You Really Came for Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure where this came from but all I know is I've been reading a lot of E/O fanfics, and this show got me into fanfic, E/O was my first ship. So whatever I feel about the show, the actors, the producers it still makes me nostalgic and there used to be a beautiful community of E/O fanfic stories, that would go on for hundreds of chapters; it's been a little depressing to find not as many as I remember stories as I remember so I'm going to try and change that (I know I rambled here sorry)! Really going to try and keep up with this story...
> 
> I didn't review this chapter in depth I re-read certain parts a couple times but nothing in debt so any mistakes are mine and mine alone.
> 
> Also, I don't own these characters! :)

He used to walk the halls of St. John’s often, usually with his partner by his side, on their way to or from a victim. It’s been three years since he’s been here and while a lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same, except now Olivia isn’t walking by his side she’s laying in a hospital bed and he expects he’ll be leaving here after being shunned from her room and life.

It’d be fitting payback for what he did to her, and he already knows he won’t blame her for the decision but still he makes his way to the 6th floor and to her room. He stands in the doorway, Oliva’s head turned away from him staring out onto a gray NYC sky while she’s surrounded by people.

He watches a man with brown hair try to run his fingers through her hair and she flinches away with a soft, “Don’t…don’t touch my hair, Brian.”

“Livvy…” And he must get another look because he quickly rephases, “Liv…” There must’ve been another look because he sighs and says “Olivia, please just talk to me,” she gives the tiniest shake of her head. He sighs again and runs his hand over his face and he moves to stand finally looking up and staring back into Elliot’s hardened, he hasn’t seen the face of Brian Cassidy in 15 years, and Elliot finds he hasn’t really missed it.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Cassidy says as everyone’s head whips around so hard that Elliot is positive there was a breeze, but Olivia’s head whipped so hard he actually saw the brief registration of pain grace her face and wide, terrified eyes.

Olivia nearly leaps from the bed, before he can move and before anyone can stop her, and if her body experiences any pain at the sudden and quick motions, it doesn’t register her IV pole rolls behind her as she leaps into his arms, his arms wrap around her waist his right hand softly petting her hair while they both bury their faces into the other’s neck.

“Liv,” Her shoulders begin to shake and he feels the wet tears against his neck as she tights her grip with her good hand on the back of his gray zip-up hoodie.

“You came, you really came for me,” she sobs into his neck.

He breathes in her scent as he gently combs his fingers through her hair and he feels her lean further into the palm of his hand, “Couldn’t let you go through this alone.”

“She wouldn’t have been alone, she has me!” Cassidy blurts out harshly, and Olivia’s body tenses against Elliot’s body and he gently sets her feet back on the ground. Her face is against his chest and his arms move from around her waist to being wrapped around her back, securely pressing her against his chest as her good arm tightens around his waist.

He stares daggers into Cassidy’s face but it’s Fin who speaks up, “I think these two deserve some privacy,” he stares into Elliot’s eyes as he says “How ‘bout it Cap? I think Elliot could fend off Goliath if he needed to protect Liv.”

Cragen nodded and stood up the first to move to the door, “Everybody out now,” standing off to the side and he shuffled Olivia just slightly to the left to provide them better access to the door.

Fin softly clapped his back before walking out the door, the blonde woman smiled softly at him, and a man with dark brown nodded approvingly before he left. Elliot and Cragen stared at Cassidy who still hadn’t moved from position by the window, he huffed as he stomped to the door before he stopped to glance between Elliot’s face and the back of Olivia’s head and mumbled, “Un-fucking believable.”

Cragen shoved him out and the door closed softly behind them, and then it was just him and his partner, “Let’s get you back in bed.”


	2. Hospital Food and Soda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be shorter but I felt bad so I combined 2 & 3 for yall to enjoy I hope you like it! Please let me know! :)

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he pulled the IV pole with his other hand, he helped her back in bed covering her with the blankets once more. Olivia moved gingerly closer to the window and patted the small empty space beside her looking up at him with hopeful but terrified eyes.

He leaned back against the pillows on top of her blankets and then opened his arms to her, her head placed directly over his beating chest as her bad arm rested on his stomach and his arms wrapped around her, his intertwined hands resting on her hip. She breathed him in as tears slowly fell from her eyes and onto his hoodie but he didn’t say anything, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry I left you there alone.”

“You’re here now and that’s all that really matters to me, you came when I didn’t think I’d have anyone to lean on or trust completely. I needed you more than anyone else and you came for me,” Olivia sniffles and Elliot reaches over onto the end table and grabs a box of tissues and handing her one and resting the box against his crossed legs.

“Want to talk about it?” Olivia’s head shakes softly against his chest and he tries again, “Want to watch some garbage TV?” Olivia nods.

Elliot flips through the channels until he lands on some marathon of Marriage Bootcamp: Family Edition and they watch three episodes, and somewhere near the end of the second episode Olivia’s tears dry on her cheeks. In the middle of the third episode, Olivia lets out a small chuckle and Elliot’s arms tighten around her gently as she laughs, and it’s the most wonderful sound Elliot has heard in a long time.

It’s an hour later before a nurse steps into the room with a gentle smile, “Detective Benson you can order dinner anytime from now until 8 PM, there’s a menu on your nightstand and dial number 632 to connect directly to the kitchen.” She leaves after she checks Olivia’s vitals.

They sit in silence again and Elliot already knows the answer to his next question before he asks it but Oliva’s body has gone slightly rigid again and he thinks she’s bracing herself for the question,

“You hungry yet?”

“No,” she whispers. 

He nods even though she can’t see him, “’kay whenever you are, let me know.” Olivia nods and then he’s turning up the volume again as the show returns from commercial and the conversation is forgotten for another hour.

As the credits were rolling through, Elliot asks again and Olivia shakes her head again, “I’ll order something to eat too and we can share our dinners.”

“Yours isn’t free though, you’re gonna spend almost ten dollars on hospital food just so I can split your meal with you?” Olivia says with an air of disbelief.

Elliot laughs, “I think I can afford ten bucks, Liv. You may have to spot me though for a soda,” Olivia lets out a soft laugh and buries her face in his chest before she finally agrees.

They order chicken tenders for her with fries and he orders a patty melt with fries, Elliot orders a Dr. Pepper with his and Olivia lets herself be talked down from coffee to Dr. Pepper. The same dark brown-haired guy opens the door 20 minutes later and Olivia only smiles softly at him, her head not moving from it’s place on Elliot’s chest.

“I’m gonna head out unless there’s anything else you need, Liv?”

Olivia shakes her head but Elliot speaks, “Everyone else leave?”

The guy nods, “Yeah I offered to come up here before I headed out too,” He steps inside so the door can close behind him, “It was nice to meet you Detective, I’ve heard about you for so long half-expected to find you to be something more than human.”

“Elliot and trust me, I’m plenty human made more than my share of mistakes too,” He looks down at Olivia’s head and moves his right hand from her hip up to her head and gently let’s his fingers tangle his fingers lightly scratching her scalp, Olivia’s eyes flutter close at the feeling. There’s some bandages against the bottom of her scalp where he can only assume Lewis pulled so hard pulled her hair hard enough to result in blood. “Especially with Liv, but I can only pray that it isn’t too late to fix it,” Elliot says softly finally moving his eyes from Olivia’s head to the other man’s eyes.

The man smiles and shakes his head, “I don’t think it is not even close I think I know my partner well enough to know how she feels about you. I should go though visiting hours are over, and since you’re here Captain figured you’d stay overnight?”

“Yeah there’s no way I’m leaving her again not after son of a bitch, can you do something for me though first?” The other man nods and Elliot gestures his head towards the hallway, “Is there someplace you could get her a cup of chamomile tea? Extra hot though, so there’s a chance it’s still warm without needing a microwave.”

When the man returns it’s to Olivia sitting up in bed and both munching on their dinner’s and Elliot’s head is leaning close to her his mouth near her ear as he says something that makes Olivia laugh, a real laugh so loud she raises the back of her good hand against her mouth to attempt to diminish the sound. Olivia is still laughing softly as he comes to stand by the bed placing the large cup of tea on the nightstand and she leans forward to look at it, “Jeez could it get any bigger Nick?”

Nick shrugs, “I figured you could always throw it away if you didn’t finish it, but Elliot’s the only one staying with you tonight and I want you both to have everything you need.”

Elliot smiles and reaches out to shake his hand, “Thanks, Nick.”

Her new partner grins back at him as though he realizes he’s done well and he bids them both a goodnight and then it’s just the two of them again.

They eat in silence for a couple of minutes and Elliot is just thinking about how nice it is when Olivia asks softly, “So what will Kathy think about you staying here with me?”

“She offered to stop at my apartment and get me clothes,” Elliot looks into her eyes, “We divorced a year and a half ago, we’d moved from husband and wife to friends sleeping in the same bed. We share custody of Eli but the twins are in college; Kathleen’s a social worker now Liv, credits you with inspiring her, she’s dating a guy who seems like a good guy he’s in marketing; and Maureen is pregnant with baby number 3 and living out on Long Island with her engineer husband.”

“You’re still friends with her though?” Olivia asks a little incredulously and Elliot nods popping a fry into her mouth.

“They all want to come see you whenever you’re up for it…if you’re up for it,” Elliot says and Olivia almost chokes on her sip of Dr. Pepper. Family was never her thing having barely grown up with one, so the thought that Elliot’s family of all people wanted to come and see her was appalling. She nods anyway though because she wants to see them and maybe it’d be good for her, something to make her heart a little lighter.


	3. The Lights Stay On

They finish eating Elliot finishes off three of Olivia’s chicken tenders and Oliva takes three bites of Elliot’s patty melt and five fries from their shared box, Elliot doesn’t say anything just asks if it was good and she nods. She scootches back down in the bed and settles her head on Elliot’s chest directly over his heart. 

The sun is still up at 6 PM but Elliot watches as Olivia grows more and more anxious as the suddenly there is more fluorescent light rather than daylight filling the room, and he finds himself talking more telling stories of his kids and grandkids. Stories of their glory days as partners, finally confesses when he realized he loved her, he first realized it could be love when she jokingly offered to hit him over the head with the building during the case with the death of the student at St. Raymond’s College. He knew it was love thought when he realized Richard White was the first perp who identified her as trophy in a sick game of cat and mouse.

She barely responds, sometimes laughs, more often snorts softly, but mostly just lays on his chest and listens. The sun is setting an hour later and the TV is still on but only to provide the notion of more light and sound rather than actual usefulness, they stopped paying attention to it when Oliva’s anxiety began after dinner focusing on Elliot’s voice more and more.

Olivia pushes herself up with her good arm and says softly, “Bathroom,” Elliot stands so she can push off the blankets and then helps her with the IV pole before he turns to leave, kissing Olivia’s bandaged forehead once as he promises he’ll be right outside the door and then closes the door behind him.

Olivia comes out ten minutes later and Elliot acts like it’s perfectly normal and then says he’s going to go as well. Elliot helps Olivia sit her bruised and battered body in the chair facing her bed, that Cragen had been sitting in hours ago and makes a point to only half close the door as he continues to remember the times she saved him from himself. After Olivia is back in bed and he’s once again settled on top of the sheets he continues with the times Olivia came to his rescue, her head firmly settled on his chest her right ear directly over his heart as he holds her.

Except now when he finishes one story, Olivia always whispers, “Another one.” He’s proud that they were partners for 13 years because he has too many stories to choose from, and he goes through them in his brain like he would a file cabinet in the precinct, but it seems the more he talks the more Olivia’s breathing slows and the tension leaves her shoulders.

The night nurse a girl with long blonde hair pulled straight back into a ponytail is the third person to interrupt them and she watches them in bed as she hands Olivia a cup of meds and Olivia looks at them skeptically, “What are these for?”

“The oval one is for your pain its hydrocodone and then the two small round tablets are for sleeping,” The nurse explains.

Olivia takes out the two sleeping pills from the little cup and holds them out to her, “I don’t need or want these.”

The nurse looks like she’s about to respond, about to explain why in fact Olivia does need those and why her doctor thinks so, but Elliot holds up a hand to stop any remark and the nurse takes a couple steps back. Olivia glances back at Elliot and she’s sitting up now cross-legged, despite how uncomfortable it looks and her eyes are wide and terrified again, “El I don’t need the sleeping pills they’re just going to make it…”

“They’re going to make it so that you can sleep and I know why you don’t want to take them, but Liv I’ll be here and the first sign of trouble I’m going to help you wake up if you have nightmares,” Elliot assures her and the nurse is staring at her clipboard pretending not to listen.

“When not if and you promise me, El?” Olivia’s face is open, innocent, and terrified like that of the young, abused, and neglect children he used to interview for the job, she stares into his eyes so hard it feels like she’s drilling a hole directly into his soul with a jack-hammer. 

Elliot nods, “I won’t let you drown Liv, not again.”

Olivia stares at him and when he places his hand on her knee rubbing her knee through the blankets with his thumb softly tips the cup back and swallows the pills chasing them with some water. Tears well in her eyes and Elliot loops an arm around her shoulder as he slowly guides her until she’s cradled against his side, keeps both arms wrapped around her securely as her bad one lays against his stomach and she sobs into his side.

The nurse finishes checking her vitals and Elliot looks up at her and says softly, “Can you warm this tea for us and some extra blankets please?”

The nurse nods taking the large tea from the nightstand, “I could bring in an extra cot for you to sleep on, may be more comfortable for both of you?”

Before he can respond he feels Olivia’s right hand grasp his hoodie as she sobs and he can make out the muffled words between sobs and hiccups, “No!” and “You promised me, El!”

“Just the blankets and the tea, please?” The nurse nods. 

Elliot leans down to kiss her head, “I’m not moving, Liv.” The nurse returns with blankets and the warmed tea, and when she leaves Elliot squeezes her gently and kisses her head again, “I’m going to go fix the blankets, do you want to drink some tea?”

Olivia nods softly and Elliot helps her sit up in the bed, her face is tear-stained, red, and blotchy but they don’t mention it as Elliot spreads out the extra set of sheets and blankets settles them over Olivia as she sips the tea quietly. When Elliot’s done he unties his gym shoes and toes them off placing them against the wall under the TV and then he climbs back into bed under the new set of blankets as Olivia sips the tea next to him, “You still a blanket hog? Don’t think I don’t remember watching movies with you, you’d end up being cocooned and I’d be freezing my ass off with damn air on 68¬,” he says playfully and Oliva rests her head against his bicep. 

Olivia snorts and smiles, “Hey I don’t remember you complaining too much when I’d fall asleep against you,” and Elliot just laughs admitting that he definitely did enjoy those times.

Olivia yawns and wraps her good arm around Elliot’s as he pulls up the blankets around her further, and she feels her eyes grow heavy as he slips the cup of tea from her fingers and places it on the nightstand beside him.

She fights to stay awake but it’s a losing battle, “Promise me you won’t turn off the lights, El.”

A statement so there’s no room for error, no room for exceptions, and Elliot nods says softly, “I promise Liv, the lights stay on.”

She falls asleep against her arm and it isn’t half-hour later when the nurse comes in to check on her she goes to flip the switch, “The lights stay on.”

“Sir that isn’t standard practice, the maintenance lights will stay on but a good night’s sleep can’t exist with these fluorescent lights on,” the nurse says as she flips the switch off.

Elliot’s face hardens and he says again, “The lights stay on, if she has anything close to a ‘good night’s sleep’ as you put it’d be a miracle, so leave the lights on.” The nurse nods and flips the switch before opening and closing the door softly behind her.

Elliot leans back into the pillows and he’s dozing off before he realizes it, the stress and the worry of the day finally melting away, but he’s awoken not an hour later by a sob and a soft, “No don’t please.”

“Liv…” He tights his arms around her to keep from shaking her, she’s been in a sweatshirt all-day, he hasn’t seen where the bruises are but he knows they exists and he doesn’t want to hurt her further, doesn’t want to traumatize her. He kisses her head as he gently rubs her back, repeating her name over and over into her ear until he hears her gasp and murmurs his name, as her body tenses ready to fight all over again if it isn’t him, “Yeah Liv it’s just me.”

A sob escapes her mouth again she buries her face further into Elliot’s hoodie, and Elliot tightens his hold on her his hands gently massaging her scalp again and the other hand running up and down her back over her sweatshirt. The room is silent other than her sobs and it’s an hour before either utters a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? I wanted to give ya a treat for Thanksgiving so an extra long chapter! Let me know how you like it and Happy Thanksgiving, yall!


	4. Two Outta Three

“The lights are still on,” Olivia mumbles against him with a tone of disbelief.

“A promise is a promise, Liv.”

Olivia lifts her head to rest it against his chest and sighs, “I’m sorry I woke you, El.”

Elliot shakes his head like the lack of sleep doesn’t matter to him, “Do you want to try and sleep?”

“Tell me more stories? The ones where…ya know?”

“I know,” Elliot talks non-stop for an hour before Olivia dozes off again and he continues talking for another hour before he allows himself to doze off.

Elliot doesn’t wake until 8:30 in the morning and Olivia is still fast asleep her body hasn’t seemingly moved all-night and for that he’s grateful. The lights in the room are still on and he smiles softly, promise made and a promise kept, he pulls out his phone while he waits for her to wake.

It’s another hour before she begins to stir and mumbles a question about the time and Olivia lifts her head to grin at him when she realizes she slept through the night and Elliot grins back at her, “You’re gonna be alright, Liv. You’re stronger than you realize and even if you don’t wanna give yourself the credit, I want to give you the credit because I know it.” Olivia’s cheeks redden at the compliment and she buries her head back into his chest as she grins, using the words like a warm blanket that can keep her warm in any storm.

They order breakfast, Elliot shells out six more bucks just so they can eat together, and when she only nibbles on half a pancake, piece of bacon, and barely touches the biscuits and gravy that Elliot had passed onto her plate, Elliot doesn’t say anything just eats the rest of it while they drink coffee.

Cassidy strutted in at noon and Elliot watched his demeanor change from cocky to aggressive when he saw Olivia wrapped in his arms, “This what you two used to do on stake-outs? No wonder your wife hated Olivia.”

Olivia’s body tense in his arms and her eyes shoot downward at the implication and the insult, but Elliot’s jaw clenches unafraid, “My ex-wife and nothing ever happened between us but I have a feeling you knew that and you’re just trying to hurt her, which is pathetic considering what she’s been through.”

Cassidy eyes roll, “I came to have lunch with my girlfriend…alone, so you can leave now.”

“Ever think about asking Olivia what she wanted?”

Cassidy’s eyes roll again as he opens his mouth but Olivia cuts him off, lifting her head slowly off Elliot’s chest, “It’s okay El, give us a half hour?”

Elliot stands easily and walks over in his socked feet for his gym shoes and ties them as he tells her, “I’ll be right outside if you need anything-”

“-I know, El.” He nods and begins walking towards the door when she says softly, “El…”

He stands next to her bed, waiting for her to speak but she keeps glancing at Cassidy until he huffs and moves across the room so he can’t hear, “What is it, Liv?”

Her eyes are cast downward and he watches her mouth open and close twice before she pulls her bottom lip worryingly between her teeth, her eyes flick nervously up to his eyes and then back down before she mumbles, “Can I have your, your…um hoodie?”

“Never be embarrassed about asking for that,” He grins at her and kisses the one part of her forehead that isn’t bandaged or bruised before he unzips the hoodie and gives it to her. She curls into the jacket as she whispers a small thank you and then he leaves, giving her sometime with her boyfriend, even if he is a dick.

She moves into the middle of the bed so there’s no possibility of him trying to get in with her, it’s probably rude considering how he found her and Elliot but a twelve-year partnership means something to her…means a lot to her so yeah it’s different even with her boyfriend. “I’m not really hungry, Bri but you can order some food and maybe I can pick on a couple fries or chips?”

Cassidy scoffs and pulls out a bag from inside his jacket, “Come on Liv I’m not looking to spend money on hospital food, I stopped and got a Sub already ate the chips though sorry.”

Olivia forces a chuckle and a ‘of course you did’ before her voice can crack and she turns to look out the window, eyes blinking wildly as she tries to stop the tears, telling herself it’s a stupid thing to cry over. Meanwhile, he talks about his latest drug bust and how he’s on track for a promotion before the year is over, and some of the guys are talking about going down to the Caribbean for Christmas. Then as an after-thought he asks if she’d mind if they weren’t together for Christmas and she shakes her head, he lands a kiss on her bruised temple, but her only register of pain is a soft gasp and shooting pain in her head.

Elliot watches through the window while he sits against he opposite wall, he’s almost gotten up about ten times already cause she’s back to looking out the window, so something must be wrong but he wants to respect her and her request even if he does hate the guy.

“Hey whatchya doin’ out here?” Elliot turns his head to Nick, still watching her room out of the corner of his eye.

Elliot waves his hand in a ‘what do you think?’ motion to her room and Nick sighs as he sits down beside him, “Ah so he’s back.”

“He’s back came in all arrogant, but Liv is forcing him to sit in the chair so I’m sure that’s gotta be driving him insane,” they laugh softly at the other man’s expense.

“Daddy!” A little 3-foot, brown-haired blur runs towards him from the elevator and he kneels on the ground to catch him, wrapping him in a tight hug as he scoops him up into his arms, “Where’s Aunt Livvy? Mommy said I could say hi!”

“I said you could see her, we don’t know if she’s too hurt to see little 5 yr. old boys,” Kathy says as she walks towards them and smiles sympathetically at Elliot, “Hey.”

“Thanks for bringing some of my stuff, Kath,” He gives her a one-armed hug and points to the man who was sitting beside him, “This is Nick, Liv’s new partner; and this is Kathy, my ex-wife.”

Nick shakes her hand as Elliot walks over to the window with Eli and knocks softly, Olivia’s head jerks to look at the unexpected noise her eyes terrified until she sees Eli and excitedly waves back.

She says something to Cassidy and motions to the door and his face looks visibly annoyed as he stands, wiping his hands on his jeans as he opens the door, “Olivia wants him to come in.”

Elliot carries him in and Nick and Kathy follow, Olivia holds her good arm out to Eli pulling him in for a one-armed hug once Elliot sits him beside her, “I missed you Aunt Livvy, where’d you go? You missed TWO birthday parties!”

“That was my fault, not Aunt Livvy’s but maybe one day soon we can make them up if you and Aunt Livvy want.”

Eli claps excitedly snuggling into her side, “I want to! I want to! Do you want to too, Aunt Livvy?!”

Olivia nods, not trusting her voice but she can’t help herself from burying her noise in his hair smelling the sweet smell of Johnson & Johnson shampoo.

Kathy places Elliot’s bag on the dresser underneath the flatscreen TV and walks forward to grab her son, “Alright, Eli I think it’s time to go and let Aunt-”

“-WOAH! You have a cast! Can I color it?!” Eli looks up at her excitedly as Elliot and Kathy glance at each other in amusement.

Kathy tries again but Elliot shakes his head, “Maybe if Liv wants…we can give them a bit of time together?”

“Really?” Olivia’s voice is a mere whisper and her eyes are wet with unshed tears as she glances between Elliot and Kathy’s eyes.

Kathy bends to look into Eli’s eyes, “Aunt Livvy is still hurt so she can’t go running around after your little 5 year old butt, so you have to promise me that you’ll be the most perfect little gentleman,” Eli nods excitedly snuggling further into Olivia’s side, “I’ll ask her for a full progress report and if she says that you weren’t perfect, you’re going to have a very long time-out.”

“I promise, mommy,” Kathy nods and stands again when Eli looks up at her and grins, “I’m almost 6!” Olivia laughs which causes Eli to laugh and then they’re all laughing, except for the man standing in the corner.

“Uh why would Liv want to spend any time with him given her current state?”

“Well, for starters she is his God Mother and helped deliver him and they haven’t seen each other in two years, so I’m sure Eli will have no problem talking her ear off,” Kathy fires back before Elliot can open his mouth.

“Damn Cassidy now you’ve pissed off two Stablers, you gonna take Eli from Liv’s arms and go for a perfect score or are you happy with two outta three?” Fin asks as he leans against the doorway laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to finally post this, except I gotta warn you there's probably one more chapter in the hospital and then she goes to stay with someone (3 guesses who), and let's just say I took this in a completely different direction than what I read about the episode. I'll warn before yall when those chapters begin, but you should keep that in mind.
> 
> I re-watched 'Paternity' before this (or during this I can't remember) and I kinda hate the writers for never taking Bensler to these levels, showing us her relationship with his family and him outside of work, because I fully believe that it would've been very in character for him to ask her to be Eli's God Mother. I don't think him being Catholic/her not being very religious would've mattered to either one.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! :)


	5. God Sons and Coloring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First signs of Olivia's injuries and what will be considered triggering so just be aware but nothing really graphic yet, but it's mentioned so I'm mentioning it just in case

Elliot pulls out the Crayola markers from Eli’s backpack, but before he hands them to his son he looks into his eyes, “These are only for Aunt Livvy’s cast and only if she says it’s okay, and if she wants you to stop you listen, understand?” Eli nods and takes them looking up questioningly at Olivia who smiles and nods. “Liv,” He waits for her eyes to look up from where Eli is already coloring on the top of her cast, “I’m gonna go get a coffee but Kath will be right outside-”

“Nah, Elliot I think Nick and I can handle sitting outside," Fin claps him on the shoulder and Elliot glances at him, "Go we'll make sure they're safe go get a coffee with Kathy,” Fin says as they all leave the room.

Elliot leans against the wall running his hand over his face as Kathy talks quietly to him, they're a several feet away from everyone when a loud, boisterous voice cuts through their conversation, “Your kid cut into my time with my girlfriend!”

Elliot whips around on his heel to look at the man, “My kid is 5 years old and hasn’t seen her in two years and Olivia wanted to see him just as badly, maybe more, as he wanted to see her. I think she deserves a little time to fucking color, be with her God Son, and not talk or be reminded of that son of a bitch don’t you?!” Elliot looks at Nick and Fin, “Don’t let him back in there until he’s had sometime to remember that this isn’t about him,” They nod before Elliot stalks away to the elevator, Kathy following closely behind.

Elliot and Kathy come back up 30 minutes later and other than Kathy’s eyes being slightly bloodshot there is no indication that anything is wrong, Elliot’s hand is on the small of her back as they step off the elevator and walk towards Fin and Nick. “Where’d the meathead go?”

Nick laughs as Fin rolls his eyes and sarcastically replies, “Apparently his partner and a couple other guys are pre-gaming and he just couldn’t miss that.”

Elliot huffs clenching his jaw as Kathy looks through the window of Olivia’s room at her son and her ex’s partner laughing and coloring the cast on her left arm, “As his girlfriend lays bruised and battered in a hospital bed.”

They give the pair another twenty minutes before Elliot and Kathy decide it’s time for Eli to be getting home, “Hey you two trouble makers,” Elliot’s voice is playful and happy as the pair grin back at him.

“You like it daddy?” Eli asks as he jumps from the bed into Elliot’s arms.

“I do you did a beautiful job,” He grins Olivia who is still staring in disbelief at the cast, “You like it Liv?” 

She nods as Elliot puts the markers away in the box and back into his school bag and Olivia glances between the two adults, “You leaving?”

“Sorry Liv you’re still stuck with this one, but the cute one is heading out we have to go and get a birthday present for his friend’s party this weekend,” Kathy says laughing as bends to give her a hug.

“Momma you gotta be careful of her legs!” Eli’s worried voice stops her for a minute looking down at Olivia and then back up at Elliot with confusion and fear, but Elliot shrugs his face mirroring his ex-wife’s and Eli sighs exasperated and explains, “A bad man hurt Aunt Livvy’s legs so we have to be careful until she says I can sit in her lap again.”

Olivia’s head rests against the pillow her head turned towards the window, and her face is red but Elliot can’t tell if that’s from tears or embarrassment at a untold secret coming to light, clearly one she tried to hide from at least him.

Kathy’s voice is low as she says, “I promise I won’t hurt her legs, Eli,” She says it for to appease his worry and let him know she listened but she says it Olivia’s benefit. Olivia must find it sincere because she closes the distance and hugs the other woman with her right arm and Kathy whispers in her ear, “I’m so sorry Liv. If you need anything, just tell El and I’ll help you anyway I can,” Olivia nods into her neck before she pulls away and falls back onto the bed, head turned once again towards the window.

Elliot whispers in Eli’s ear, “Go and give Aunt Livvy a big hug before you go,” Elliot places him in the empty space beside her and Olivia reaches for him and he wraps his little arms around her neck so tight and they’d be worried about her injuries but Olivia seems to hug him just as hard around his waist.

“Thank you for coming to see me and I’ll miss you, sweetheart,” Olivia whispers against his ear softly, “Maybe I can see you again soon?”

Eli nods excitedly as he pulls away to look at her his arms still wrapped around her neck, and he’s pulling slightly but she doesn’t care just doesn’t want to let this little boy go again not be seen again for another 3 years. “Maybe this weekend depending on when you get released Liv,” Kathy offers and Olivia glances up at Elliot who nods with a smile.

“And you gotta take pictures dad of her cast, cause Aunt Livvy said when they take it off the doctor will mess it ALL UP,” His arms flying around to prove the gravity of the situation, “AND Aunt Livvy won’t get to keep it, so you gotta take pictures so she can remember it, ‘kay?”

Elliot nods and gives him a thumbs up as he lifts him off the bed and hands him to Kathy, who holds his backpack in her other hand, “I got it bud and I’ll send the pictures to momma, so she can show you.”

Kathy and Eli leave minutes later, and Eli waves until Olivia is finally out-of-sight and Olivia returns it until she can no longer see the little brown head and tiny hand waving over Kathy’s shoulder.

Olivia’s walls break once he’s out of her sight and curls into herself facing the window and thereby, away from Elliot as she buries her face into the hoodie he gave her almost two hours ago.

Elliot pulls up the chair next to her bed, watches as her back heaves with sobs and softly assures her, “Liv you’ll get to see him again, I promise you’ll get to see him soon.”

“No, I won’t you’ll keep him away again now that you know and I’ll never see him again!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To give an idea how addicted I am to this story, this ends on Pg. 11 of my word doc. and I am currently sitting pretty at 32 almost 33 pages
> 
> Tell me what you think please?! I love hearing from you! :)


	6. Discharge Talk and Solid Footing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to finally learning more about her injuries cause the next chapter is leaving the hospital, and going home with Elliot so I had to make sure that this chapter was how I wanted it because I'm officially moving into a zone where I have to deal with what I wrote or re-write.
> 
> Next chapter will likely include detailed trauma so please be aware of that. Please let me know what you think. :)

Elliot moves to sit on the edge of the bed, but doesn’t reach for her, “Liv can you look at me?”

“You think I’m broken, that I’m unfit to be in your son’s life that I’ll…” She cuts herself off with a sob.

“Liv, I need you to look at me so I can tell you something,” Olivia rolls over onto her back her face red and stained with tears, her eyes flick around to Elliot’s and then away and he places his hand, palm-up on the bed next to her, “I think you were kidnapped by a psychopathic, dirtbag and he should have every limb torn from his body and burn for eternity in hell. You though are not broken and there is nothing you can say or do that will result in Kathy or I not letting you see Eli, not again. These past few years…that’s on me Liv that’s my cross to bear and I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you, because you didn’t deserve that not from me of all people. You, though, are Eli’s God Mother and I will never stand between the two of you again, especially not for something a sick pervert did to you,” 

Olivia grips his hand and he pulls her gently to him so he can hug her as she sobs into his t-shirt. 

“Detective Benson may I come in I need to change your bandages?”

Olivia jumps back and yelps as shooting pain travels up and down her body and she mumbles, “Yeah of course.” Olivia’s hands wipe furiously at her eyes in a futile attempt to hide the tears, “When can I get released?”

“Tomorrow but you’ll need to stay with someone and you’re out of work for at least 4 to 6 weeks, could be more, and no desk duty until at least 6 weeks Captain Cragen’s orders.” 

Olivia’s head falls back onto the pillow while she looks out the window and whispers in defeat, “El can you…” She looks back down to where her fingers play with a string from Elliot’s hoodie, ashamed to even think the thought much less ask it.

“You want some privacy?” Olivia nods and Elliot stands kissing her head for the umpteenth time and says, “Knock when I can come out, I’ll go take ten minutes to change,” He winks at her and smiles and Olivia finally lets a small upturn of her lips slip past.

It’s almost 30 minutes later when Elliot finally exits the bathroom and Olivia is alone crying silently, “Liv…”

“I’m fine it’s just…” She waves a hand up in the air as though that’s answer enough and based off Elliot’s nod it seems it will do.

“Can I sit down under the blankets?” She lifts the second set immediately, and he places his shoes by the nightstand before he climbs in, and immediately wraps his arms around her as tears fall onto his chest.

They lay there in silence Olivia’s brain whirring so loudly Elliot can hear it and when he’s just about to ask her voice cracks a little as she says, “The doctor says I have to stay with someone, don’t have a choice about it apparently and I know it’s a lot to ask-”

“Liv you don’t even have to ask, you always have a room at my place.”

“I’ve missed you El more than I think I even realized,” Olivia whispers against his chest and he squeezes and he sees a small smile grace her lips again, “Can we turn on the TV again?”

Elliot channel surfs for awhile until he finally settles on the new Jumanji movie that’s just starting. Olivia dozes off within the first five minutes, but she startles awake only a couple minutes later. It happens three more times and each jump awake looks more painful than the last when Elliot finally breaks the cycle, “Liv can I suggest something?”

“Give up sleeping?” Olivia chuckles humorlessly and says, “Don’t worry I’m already planning on it El so I won’t do this at your place.”

“Actually Liv, I meant can I try holding you so you can sleep?”

“You would hold me?” Elliot nods, “What’d be in it for you?” Her eyes search his face, skeptical as though there’s a hidden agenda to this that she hasn’t considered yet.

“You need rest and I just want to help you get a few hours of much needed sleep, that’s all,” Elliot says his voice is kind and he’s careful to keep his voice free of any annoyance at being questioned. Olivia would assume she was being challenged and he doesn’t want her building more walls, she already has far too many, if you ask him.

Olivia scoffs lightly but relents scootches down to a more comfortable position, “Fine how do we do this?”

Elliot moves so their eye-level and facing each other and then he wraps her in his arm, her cast resting on their hips and her face pressed into his chest and a small gasp escapes from Olivia’s lips, “Basically like this is it too much?”

She shakes her head and sob breaks free, “I feel so pathetic.”

“You of all people Liv are not useless, pathetic, or broken for that matter you went through a major trauma and you’ve…you’ve had a great deal of trauma in your childhood and your adult life. You’re human and sometimes you need someone to lean on, you’ve done it for me and I can do it for you if you want me.”

“I can’t stop crying how can I do I even have the ability to cry anymore?”

“Liv the fact that you’re here is more than most could deal with, your tears aren’t a weakness you’re coping with the aftermath of a severe trauma you know that.”

Olivia scoffs like she hates the idea, like she doesn’t need him but she burrows further into his chest her good hand clinging and twisting around the sweatshirt he changed into, “I’ve become entirely dependent on you in here how am I gonna be independent again if I can’t even-”

“Liv you were held for four days, I’ve been here for two give yourself a grace period to heal nobody is judging you and certainly not me,” his voice is soft, his fingers run themselves up and down her back, as her nose fills with his familiar scent. Years have gone by since she last saw him and his scent hasn’t changed, she hates change loves consistency, and having her feet on solid footing. Right now everything thing in her life is changing and she feels like she’ll never know what solid footing is again, but then there’s his smell. It’s the one thing that hasn’t changed and she falls asleep thinking about how he’s the one constant in her life. 

Elliot’s eyes squint against the bright sun shining into the hospital room and Nick is already sitting in the chair beside the bed, “Ya know that’s kinda creepy right? What time is it?”

The other guy laughs and hands him a cup of coffee, “Any less now? 8:45 I just got here like five minutes ago, you guys finally sleep?”

Elliot nods and takes a sip and confesses, “A bit you’re moving in the right direction Liv tell ya how I took my coffee?”

“Only a billion times I almost ordered a few times myself cause she got it stuck in my head,” The two men laugh until Nick looks down at the woman who is still in a deep sleep against Elliot’s side, “She gets discharged today.”

Although it’s a statement Elliot hears the questions, is she staying with you? And are you going to be there for her, no matter what? “She agreed to my condo it’s three bedrooms so she’ll have her own room and bathroom, she’ll be safe there.”

“And get to see her Godson?”

“Constantly,” Elliot says it as though it’s a promise and it is in the sense that he won’t keep her from Eli again, won’t leave her again.

Olivia moans her face burying further into his sweatshirt as she mumbles, “Constantly what?”

Elliot watches as she blinks slowly up at him waiting, “Just that you’ll constantly get to see your Godson.”

Olivia looks between her partner and her former partner looking for any evidence of deceit, “That’s all we said and the fact that you told me his coffee order so many times I almost ordered on accident for myself.”


	7. Comfort Food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Chapter 7 and I was going to make this one super long but her injuries...she's really hurt and very violated in this story from Lewis so I wanted there to be some forewarning. I am going to post the next chapter today probably but I wanted to give everyone a heads-up so they can leave/stop reading after this chapter if they want...

“The benefit of being partners for 12 years, you never forget somethings,” Olivia says with a smile glancing up at Elliot and he kisses her head as they all take a sip of their coffee. “Hey can you get into my apartment?”

“Liv…CSU isn’t fin-”

“No, I don’t mean-…can you get in and grab something for me?” Nick nods, “There’s some NYPD sweats they’re about 2 or 3 sizes too big and really worn, I always keep them in the bottom right drawer of my dresser with the mirror…I need them.”

“What’s so special about some old sweats?”

“I gave them to Liv after Sealview,” Elliot’s voice thick with disbelief and something else as he stares at her, “I can’t believe you still have them.”

“It’s the only thing I can wear when a case hits home, there’s still a hint of you on them no matter how many times they’re washed.”

The doctor comes in with the discharge papers and then begins her spiel about the bandages, “Detective Benson I know you don’t want to have help with this but it would be impossible for you to do it on your own.” She finishes talking about the medications and follow-up appointments before she finally says a nurse will be in with a wheelchair soon.

Olivia shuts down after she leaves turns to face out the window in the fetal position and refuses to answer Nick or Elliot’s repeated attempts to talk to her. Elliot moves around the bed and bends directly in front of her, “Listen whatever it is about these bandages no matter what reason you need them for I’ll do them blindfolded or you can do them and I’ll just stand there as an extra set of hands while you keep me blindfolded. If you want help…if you want to talk about them I would never judge you but I understand and I’m going to do whatever it takes to help you,” Olivia nods the smallest nod and Elliot grips her hand.

When the nurse comes in with the wheelchair, Nick pushes her down the to the first floor and Elliot has already gone ahead to pull up the car, “You know he won’t judge you right? He isn’t going to use it against you, he…”

“He what?” A soft whisper pleading for him to finish his sentence, needs to know what she was gonna say.

Nick coughs before he replies gruffly, “He’s still gonna love you, Liv. You’re not gonna lose him again not over this, especially not over this.”

Instead of heading towards the front door he goes down a hallway, and she grips the wheelchair with her good hand, “Where are you going?”

“Media has been camping out there since you arrived, Elliot is meeting us around the back.” A security guard and uniformed officer stand by the back door as they approach, and the uniformed officer escorts them out the door to where Elliot stands waiting beside his red Toyota 4Runner with tinted windows.

“Do you have the address for my condo?”

“Yeah, I’m all good I’ll be there in an hour or so.”

Elliot starts the truck and drives down the alleyway towards the busy street away from the hospital and the human vultures, “You hungry?”

Olivia shakes her head staring out the window as they drive, “How big is this condo of yours? I was under the impression it was just an apartment?”

“No I got a 3 bedroom and 2 bath condo, I uh…co-own a private security company with a buddy from the service and it pays well to say the least,” Elliot says as they fly back into the city, “Kathy jokes that I missed my calling.”

“You would’ve probably still been together,” Olivia spits the words out like they taste bad in her mouth.

“Well considering that it was amicable and she actually found a guy who I like I don’t think that’s true, besides we’re still friends and that’s all that matters. Our kids don’t have to worry about going from one house to another for Thanksgiving or Christmas. We’ve even gone on family vacations together since the divorce, other than not living together not much has changed.” Elliot’s phone rings and Kathleen’s name flashes across the Bluetooth enabled screen, “Hey honey say hi to Liv,”

“Hey Liv,” If she’s surprised her voice doesn’t give anything away, “Mom asked if I could stop and get you some groceries but didn’t tell me what you needed?”

“Just comfort foods, you know?” Elliot glances at her she can see him out of the corner of her eye but she doesn’t look up from her lap, “What kinda soup do you like, Liv?”

She shrugs and mumbles, “Cream of mushroom or tomato with grilled cheese?”

“I got it, Liv,” Kathleen replies and they hear her shift her phone to her shoulder as she walks in to the store grabbing a cart.

“Thanks honey,” Elliot answers they skirt around the word comfort even though that’s what they’re talking about and they all know it. They hang up a minute later Kathleen promising to be at his condo soon and she has her key if she beats them there.

Elliot’s condo is homey and warm there’s pictures everywhere of the kids, his awards and commendations hang proudly on the one wall as you enter the family room the center of attention, and she finds herself unable to look away. The thought crosses her mind that she should do the same, should remove them from the box in her closet where she hides them.

She sits on the couch as she thinks about this as she thinks about the apartment that once was her home and she wonders if she’ll ever have that feeling again. She liked that one…a lot and now it’s go- a picture frame catches her eye, or rather the picture itself, and it interrupts her train of thought. It’s her, Elliot, and Eli and she’s holding him in his Christening Gown. She’s grinning at the camera so proud she remembers that day, remembers it being one of the best days of her life.

_Five and a Half Years Ago:_

_The day he asked it was his first day back to work and he waited the entire day with the gift sitting in the bottom drawer of his desk, he finally pulled it out as they were leaving and offered to give her a ride home, she accepted as always. Just as she was about to get into the passenger side he stopped her his hand light on the back of her elbow as he said her name, and then he handed her the small gift bag filled over the brim with tissue paper. A small smile on her lips as she pushed the paper to the side and looked inside there was a candle Vanilla scent, her favorite, and a small black box she looked up at him apprehensive he’s never done anything like this. She opened it slowly a heart-shaped locket that had the inscription, ‘Eli’s God-Mother’ and a picture of her and Eli when he was first born, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes._

_Elliot grinned at her but his voice was coated with emotion when he said, “Will you help us raise him right?”_

_She nodded as she stared at the locket with tears in his eyes, and then wrapped his arms tight around his neck, “Of course I will, El!”_

_They got into the car after he put the necklace on her, and her fingers immediately wrapped around the heart, “You know the job also comes with a requirement to provide free babysitting,” She laughed and swatted his arm as he drove her home._

Oliva wraps her fingers around the locket as she stares the photo, she has this same photo on the other side of the locket and she doesn’t let herself think of why she chose a photo of the three of them over just her and Eli. The locket resting just above her heart is like a physical reminder her promise five and a half years ago, and his promise a day ago.

Elliot walks into the family room and looks at the photo as he hands her a water, “I love that photo,” she nods and whispers ‘me too.’

“Hey dad,” Kathleen calls as the door slams behind her and Olivia jumps at the unexpected noise, “I still have like 4 bags in my car, can you help?” She’s asks as she walks further into the condo carrying two large paper bag, “Hey Liv.” She looks at her dad then and tosses him her keys, “I’ll unpack these.” 

Elliot catches them easily and laughs, “Why do I have to trudge back and forth, you’re a lot younger than I am?”

“Yeah but I figure you’d want the arm workout,” She winks at Olivia and laughs while Olivia smiles softly at the exchange.

Elliot squeezes Olivia’s hand a silent question and she squeezes back a silent answer, Olivia moves to the bar to watch her as she meticulously unpacks the groceries and begins putting away the groceries, “El says you’re a social worker now?”

Kathleen nods, “Yeah, I actually owe you a big thank you if it wasn’t for you, I’d be…well who knows where I’d be…but you inspired me a lot.”

“I’m just glad you’re happy, life seems to be working out well for you from what your dad said,” Olivia says softly watching the young woman who she watched grow up.

Kathleen turns around to look at her and she laughs a little, “Yeah well you know my dad he loves to brag about his kids if nothing else, but yeah life is good and I’m happy.”

“If there was one conversation your dad loved having it was the ones about you guys, there were some stakeouts where all he did was tells these stories about you guys and they’d make me laugh so hard,” Olivia chuckles softly as she returns to the past. 

“That sounds like dad,” Kathleen grins from the other side of the bar and then her voice drops an octave and worry fills her eyes, “You alright, Liv?”

Olivia sucks in a breath and looks down at the counter, “I will be your dad…the fact he came at all and now letting me stay here it helps.”

Kathleen nods and squeezes her good hand once and then Elliot is walking in with two bags and Nick follows behind with another two bags and a duffle bag over his shoulder filled with Olivia’s clothes. The condo is filled with talking and laughing for a couple hours, Kathleen is the first to mention heading out and Nick says he’ll walk out with her something about having a shit ton of paperwork on his desk and Cragen ready to murder him.

Elliot and Olivia sit in silence on the couch, Olivia has changed into his hoodie and the sleeve is wrapped around her good hand, so it’s completely hidden from view. “Wanna see your room?”

Olivia nods and helps her up wrapping an arm around her shoulders gently, grabbing her duffle bag and the bandages from the hospital as they walk by down the hall, “Technically its my room but it has the attached bath and I figure you’d want more privacy so I’ll be next door in the guest room.”

She stops in the middle of the hallway shaking her head refusing to walk any further, “No I can’t, I won’t take your room I can deal with walking across a hallway to the bathroom, El. I’ll be fine you don’t have to do this for me, you’ve already done too much for me you don’t have to give up your room.”

“Can I just show it to you and then we can fight about our sleeping arrangements?” Olivia sighs but nods and Elliot wraps his arm around her again, “I moved out enough clothes for two weeks and all my bathroom stuff, you have half my closet and I can empty a drawer for you if you want but I really do want you to take my room.”

“Why?”

Elliot sets the bag down on the bed and sits down next to it, “You have more privacy and your own bathroom we both know that you’ll want at least a couple warm showers-”

Olivia scoffs, “That’s putting it mildly.”

“Exactly and you can keep me in the dark about how long, how many, or anything else that happens in there and as long as you come out at some point to eat and have a conversation I won’t ask.”

“You promise me, El?” Olivia stares daggers into his eyes and he nods looking into her eyes, “It would be nice to take over a guy’s closet for once in my life maybe do some redecorating in here.” Olivia laughs at Elliot’s the offended expression before he grins at her, “Alright, your room it is. Now get outta here I do wanna take a shower and change,” Elliot laughs and says something about her being bossy and she laughs, “Damn straight I had to keep you in line somehow partner.”

She uses all the hot water available, spends a full 45 minutes sitting on the tub floor, with her left arm sitting on the ledge protected by the shower curtain. The shower head sprays water so hot her skin is red and raw when she exits.

She pats herself dry careful of the stitches and she reaches for the gauze bandages but it’s difficult to do in pain and impossible in pain _and_ with only one good arm and she feels a tear travel down her cheek at the realization that her doctor is right. She walks into the adjoining bedroom and stares at the three pairs of underwear, still in the plastic wrap that was given to her by the hospital. The humiliation increases tenfold when she realizes that she can’t even dress herself, he’s going to know _everything about her, see everything_ etched on her body from childhood to now.


	8. Anything for You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Please be aware that this episode is triggering!**
> 
> I literally cannot stress this enough so please be aware of your own triggers!
> 
> Olivia is going to suffer in this story and this is just a very small tip of the iceberg so please be aware of that and heed my warnings!

She rests her forehead against the doorframe and calls through the closed bedroom door, “El?”

  
She hears him walking down the hallway, his footsteps getting closer, “You alright Liv?” He’s right outside her door but he won’t come in not until she asks him to or opens it herself.

  
“I need…” a raw sob breaks through her lips and her hand grips her stomach as she leans against the wall, “I can’t do it on my own…please?”

Elliot opens the door and he’s staring at her in nothing but a towel her hair almost dry from how long she was in the shower, and she doesn’t look up at him her eyes boring a hole into the floor, “Liv…”

“I need you to help me…get dressed and do the bandages,” She feels the tears well in her eyes as she says, “I can’t do anything for myself anymore he took everything from me...more than anyone else has ever before.”

He wraps his arms around her shoulders pulling her closer and her head falls against his chest, slow tears trail down her cheeks like she’s giving up and he kisses her head, “Okay how about the underwear first? I’ll pull them on and once you can grab them you pull them up.” Olivia nods and he opens the plastic-wrapped underwear, “We’ll have someone go to your apartment and get you your own or I can have Kathy or one of the girls run to the store, whichever you want.”

She stares at him but doesn’t reply and he bends in front of her and she grips the top of his shoulder as she steps into the underwear. When he finally reaches just above her knee she stops him, tells him to turn around and close his eyes before she lays the towel on the bed and pulls up the underwear the remainder of the way before she wraps the towel around herself again. 

He grabs his old t-shirt, the one the one he gave her after Sealview when she wouldn’t talk to him, when she said she was ‘fine’ like a broken record. A week after her return though, he realized she wasn’t sleeping and he placed the folded clothes in her locker with a note that said, ‘Give them back when you’re ready. -El.’ She slept that night and he never got the clothes back and they never talked about it, and when Cragen asked why he was placing an order for the NYPD-issued workout trio he made up a lie about a bad night with Eli.

He goes to put the shirt over her head and she backs away, “You have to do the bandages first…the um stitches…the stitches need-”

“I know but let’s make you comfortable first,” he interrupts softly and pulls the medium Men’s shirt over her head it hangs on her, partly because it’s a Men’s medium and partly because she isn’t eating.

The cast is easy to maneuver in such a large t-shirt and he puts the sling on, and then she finally drops the towel to her waist line keeping her legs covered and he goes into the bathroom to get the bandages, her feet still planted and he asks, “Ready?”

She nods tears welling in her eyes already and she drops the towel, hears him rather than sees him react to the site of her legs. 

The front and back of her thighs are scattered with words, literally carved into her skin some of the words are small and other’s large, and he realizes they were made with different _objects_. The scars surround her thighs all within view of her own eyes so every time she’s looks down she’s treated to a stark reminder. There are burn marks and he realizes with a jolt that some are from years ago, the physical wound healed and scarred over, but there are others that are fresh against her olive skin.

She cries silently as she stands there her good arm over her eyes as his fingers graze over the words like a breath of air so soft it doesn’t hurt, she barely even feels it, “Liv…I can call a wom-”

“No please dear God don’t call anyone else, I don’t trust anyone else but you,” A sob escapes her lips as her body shakes with uninhibited. “He succeeded…I finally feel as ugly on the outside as I do on the inside.”

Elliot stands then lifting her into his arms and sitting on the edge of the bed cradling her, her head against his chest as she fists his shirt into her hand, “Who’s gonna love me now? He took the most attractive parts of me and he ruined me-”

“You’re going to find someone amazing who is going to look at these and see resilience and beauty in you, and make no mistake Olivia Marie Benson you are gorgeous and attractive what he did to you doesn’t change that.”

“How am I going to be naked in front of a man…how am I going to let him in to this part of me now? The walls I have now are too high for most to scale, how am I going to even come close to confronting this? Even with the lights off he’s going to feel…he’s going to feel them he’s going to know what they say,” She looks down at her legs and lifts her shirt up and settles it under her chest, cause he’s going to see them anyways.

Elliot stares down at her body the only reprieve from the words and stitches is the space where the black cotton underwear are, he swallows hard before he asks, “Are there more?”

Olivia turns her face fully into his chest sobbing and nodding and begging, “Don’t make me show those to you yet please? _Please_...”

Elliot nods lays her down on his navy bedspread and kneels on the carpeting beside her, he works methodically rips off about 20 pieces of tape and places them temporarily on the end of his nightstand. He kneels beside her, like he’s praying and part of her thinks he is when she sees his lips move ever-so-slightly, for 30 minutes he work until he’s finally done. He takes her good arm looks at the one long cut on the underside of her wrist, he hasn’t seen it until 40 minutes ago, she had always stayed wrapped in long-sleeves and sweatshirts at the hospital. There are other cuts, smaller cuts along her wrist and cigarette burns up and down her arms, she turns her head away from him as his fingers move gingerly over her arm.

He wraps it in gauze and sighs as he on the edge of the bed beside her, and she doesn’t look at him knows what he’s going to say before he does, “Where else Liv?”

She doesn’t move, keeps her eyes trained to an unseen spot as she mumbles, “My chest,” Elliot nods he’d figured as much, her reaction made that much clear, “Can you try not to-”

“Yeah, the best I can,” Elliot interrupts his voice soft and she sits up just enough so she can lift the top her right hand gripping it as Elliot reaches for a bandage covering up the words on her breasts. He can’t help but breathlessly say her name when he sees the tally-marks symmetrically placed near the center of her breasts, and there’s two symmetrical burn marks in the center of her nipples.

He pulls the shirt from her hands gently and sighs thankful when she’s finally covered again, he grabs the sweats and pulls them over her legs gently. She hasn’t moved, hasn’t uttered a word since she lifted her top and silent tears roll off her cheek as she stares at the unseen spot.

Elliot carefully moves to sit on the other side of the bed moving slowly across it and when he gets close enough, he lifts her under her armpits she moans in pain and weakens his grip and pulls her the tiniest bit closer to him centimeter by centimeter until she’s against his chest. He pulls the oversized sweatshirt over her head, feeds her right arm through it and let’s her left stay covered underneath before he pulls the sweatshirt down covering the t-shirt. He sighs then falling back into the pillows as she sits against him in silence, “Thank you,” her voice is so quiet he thinks it may just be a figment of his imagination.

“Anything for you, Liv,” He still replies though only slightly louder than hers.


	9. Broken Picture Frames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have something to admit...I don't write Barba mainly because I don't know him so for this story Alexandra Cabot will be your ADA :)
> 
> More things are alluded too but nothing outright but as always please be aware of the tags/trigger warnings!
> 
> Let me know what you think please!

She lays on her side curled into a ball, her head on his chest, “You won’t tell anyone right?”

“Didn’t they take pictures at the hospital?”

“I refused.”

“Liv you kno—”

She sits up abruptly letting out a little gasp as her body protests the quick movements, “I don’t want people to know, Elliot. I just want to hold onto the last shred of dignity that I have left, just let me have it please?”

“Liv—"

Olivia sighs standing from the bed and begins to pace the room, “We’ve got more than enough to convict him! I shouldn’t have to give up…Alex doesn’t need fucking pictures of my carved up breasts to parade around the court room like—"

“-Okay.”

“—I’m a fucking—" her voice was too loud, his too soft, and it took her a moment to contemplate what she’d just heard over the pounding in her ears, “Okay?”

Elliot nods walking around the bed to where she was standing, “Yeah, you’re right there’s plenty to convict him on and it should be your decision. I won’t breathe a word of what I saw to anyone.”

She breathes out a ‘thank you’ and he reaches out for her hand pulling her into his arms.

Elliot slips his fingers into her hair careful of the raw skin there, “Liv…” she tenses and she holds her breath as she waits for him to finish his thought, “What he did to you…it doesn’t change anything not for me anyways.”

Her mind screams that he’s lying to her, that there’s no way that he could be sincere and honest about this. There’s a little part deep within her heart that swells and warms her soul because she knows he wouldn’t lie to her not about this, never about this. She can’t help but breathe him in, silently relieved he hasn’t rejected her, and she doesn’t dare say it aloud but she prays that she’ll have him beside her. He hasn’t asked the question but he saw _that_ one particular word that’s been tormenting her and she knows he saw tally marks knows what he must be thinking but he hasn’t asked her, not yet. She’s forgotten what it’s like to have someone who both pushes her to talk but knows when to _shut the hell up_ , she’s forgotten what it’s like to have him beside her.

Olivia’s stomach grumbles loudly interrupting their moment of silence and Elliot smiles kissing her head before he pulls away, “Come on I’ll make you something to eat.” Olivia shakes her head a little and he sighs, “Liv your stomach just growled like you haven’t eaten in a month so I know you’re at least a little bit hungry, let me make you something small, please?”

Olivia finally nods, “Can we get Stella’s though? I haven’t had it in ages and at the hospital I thought I smelled the breadsticks and I’ve had a taste for it ever since.”

The food arrives an hour later and the smell from their favorite Italian restaurant wafts through the condo, and he finds that he’s missed this level of normalcy the most. Olivia eats better than she was at the hospital, which isn’t much but it takes her a bit longer before she’s pushing the food around her plate. She’s sitting in the far-left corner of the couch her legs folded behind her as pushes the food around her plate before finally sighing and setting it on the coffee table a re-run of Friends plays, even though she hasn’t glanced at the television. “El?”

He looks up at her but doesn’t say anything just waits and she opens and closes her mouth a few times thinking of what she wants to say until she finally settles on, “Can I go to bed?”

He looks at the clock the sun is barely setting, “Liv it isn’t even 7 yet.”

She deflates against the couch and nods softly her eyes are casted downwards on her hands mutters, “’kay sorry.”

He runs his hand over his face, “I’m sorry of course you can you don’t need permission, Liv.”

Olivia shakes her head, “No it’s alright I should stay up later. I don’t want you to have to wake up with me at the crack of dawn. I don’t think sometimes about others and I’m sorry…I’ll try and remember tomorrow.”

“Liv you aren’t a child I don’t have to watch you every minute of every day, you’re an adult and a detective you can take care of yourself.”

Olivia shrugs and pulls on her fingers with her left hand, a form of defiance against the cast that’s still on her arm for at least a few more days, “I haven’t been left alone since I was rescued, I mean you and Kathy said I could babysit Eli but I saw Nick and Fin out there watching me, so you must think I can't be trusted.” Elliot sighs and Olivia shifts backwards further into the soft plush cushions of the couch, “Sorry I shouldn’t talk back to you in your own home my mom used to…” and if it’s possible Olivia moves even further back into the couch and he realizes that she’s frightened of _him_.

Elliot kneels in front of her and he grasps her hand, “Can you look at me for just a minute, please Liv?” Olivia’s chocolate brown eyes lift to meet Elliot’s blue eyes, “Liv it isn’t a matter of trust, you should know by now I trust you more than anybody. They weren’t watching you, they were watching _out for you_ Cragen put details on your room, it wasn’t a matter of trust it was a matter of being overprotective.

Olivia nods a little and her voice is still too soft to be considered normal, “So I can go to bed?” Elliot nods, and he hands her the pills and then her water, “Thank you, Elliot.”

He waits in the family room for two hours just in case she needs him before he finally walks to his temporary room, he leaves the light on in the hall and he keeps his door open just in case. His dreams are filled with Olivia and her scars and his sleep is restless, the blankets tangling around him, and he fights his sheets and Lewis in his dreams.

There’s a loud crash followed by the unmistakable sound of something breaking and then a cry at three in the morning and he drags the sheets almost completely off the bed as he jumps out of the bed. He grabs the gun from his safe in the drawer of his nightstand and he’s careful to not make a sound as he comes out of his room.

The hallway has been plunged into darkness and Olivia’s door is open, her bed is empty, “Liv?” Silence is his only answer and he’s more frantic as he turns the corner, “Liv? Where are you Liv?”

There’s a black figure kneeling on the floor crying and he drops the gun to his side, and he hates himself when a particular floorboard creaks and she whirls around crying out and he isn’t sure if it’s from pain or fear because she scrambles back into the corner between his couch and the wall. She moves so fast he hears her back and head thud against it hard and another cry as she brings her knees to her chest. He fingers the safety on the gun checking that it’s still on and then he sets it on the coffee table before he lowers himself onto the floor sitting cross-legged by the coffee table.

“Liv it’s alright it was just a picture frame it doesn’t matter I can buy a new one,” Elliot’s voice is soft but it doesn’t stop Olivia from cowering further into herself.

Olivia shakes her head softly, “I got up when I wasn’t supposed to and I got scared and I broke it and now you’re angry with me.” Olivia’s voice sounds like that of a six-year-old girl’s voice instead of a voice that belongs to a seasoned Detective with the NYPD.

“Why would I be angry with you if I didn’t like the picture frame anyways?”

Olivia’s jaw clenches in thought trying to work out his angle before she finally responds, “I still got up when I wasn’t supposed to and it’s your house and I shouldn’t have been walking around after you went to bed. I know that I’m scared of the dark and I was stupid I thought I could-” she cuts herself off abruptly and Elliot watches her waiting for her to continue she shrugs again. She settles her chin on her knees and whispers, “I was stupid.”

“When did I say you couldn’t get up in the middle of the night?”

Olivia looks up at him then and says simply, “That’s why you gave me your room so I wouldn’t have to leave until the morning but I forgot to bring my water in with me and I got thirsty. I know you waited out here to make sure I was asleep, to make sure I didn’t leave my room.”

Elliot holds his head in his hands as he stares at his lap, “Liv…” His voice is thick, a ball of emotion has settled at the top of his throat and his eyes are filled with tears blurring his vision of her. “Liv I don’t know who hurt you this bad maybe it was your mom, the scumbag, or I don’t know…some ex but Liv that isn’t me. I would’ve backed you up through anything Liv, and had for thirteen years, and I’m backing you up now whatever you need and want is yours this is your home now too for however long you want it.”

She rocks her back and forth against the wall and mumbles softly, “Can I see Eli again?”

“Yeah, yeah Liv I’ll text Kath in the morning and have her bring him by or we can pick him up,” Elliot agrees easily the promise rolling off his tongue like the most natural thing in the world for him.

Olivia rests her chin on her knees, “I know I can’t see him if I don’t clean it up but…I don’t like the dark if I could just have a light, you can make sure I do it right and then maybe you won’t get angry with me again…I promise I’ll never do it again.”

Elliot stands walking around the glass in his slippers with hard bottoms and he flips the switch illuminating the room and Olivia immediately scrambles forward to pick up the glass, “’Livia! Stop!”

Fear colors her face makes her white as a ghost as she looks up at him, mumbling to herself so quietly he can only see her lips move. Elliot lifts her cradling her in his arms and he carries her over to the couch, her soft protests having no effect on him. He reaches for her right hand opening it slowly and taking the large shard of glass from her bloodied hand, “Where else are you bleeding?”

“Feet and knees…” she looks over her shoulder at the glass, “I have to clean it up Elliot.”

“I don’t care about the damn glass, Olivia!” Her eyes are wide with fear and her face us pale, as she cowers into the couch and he realizes that she’s expecting to be hit. He sighs aggravated with himself, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell at you I’m just worried about you, Liv.”

Olivia nods a little and Elliot wonders if she actually believes the apology, or just nods because it’s expected she does. Elliot looks at her socked feet first and there’s little specks of blood seeping through her socks, “I need to look at your knees Liv, is that alright?” She barely lifts her head and he rolls up her pants, her knees are mangled like her hand, “I’m gonna carry you to your room, alright?” She barely nods but this time when he lifts her, her head falls to his chest and when she protests he knows she doesn’t actually mean it.

“I don’t wanna go back to the hospital,” Olivia whispers against his chest as he flips the light on in her room and lays her down on her bed and he sits beside her as he cleans her wounds methodically.

“Me neither so it’ll be our last resort okay?” Olivia nods and lets him get to work wrapping her hand, “Did you sleep at all?”

“Couldn’t the sleeping pills didn’t work I thought the smell of you on the sheets would work like at the hospital but the anxiety…” Elliot nodded in understanding.

“Why didn’t you wake me, I left the light on in the hallway for you, or you could’ve come out to the family room I was up for awhile?” Olivia shrugs and Elliot can’t help the sigh as he moves from her hand to her knees, “Thought I’d be angry?” She turns her head to stare an unseen spot on the opposite wall, “Want me to sleep in here with you tonight?”

“I still have to clean up my mess,” She reminds him softly.

Elliot shakes his head, “I’ll get it in the morning right now you need water and sleep,” Elliot moves from her knees to her feet, “I’ll go get you the water and then we’ll sleep, ‘kay?”

“Fill up the glass in here though…please?” He nods softly and she curls into the fetal position once he’s gone, clutching the blankets to her chest with her right arm while her left lays flat against an extra pillow. Elliot sits behind her and helps her sit up she drinks half the glass and then she returns to her original position as Elliot wraps his arms around her from behind, “You want the lights on?”

“No, it’s fine if you’re here I’ll be fine,” Olivia’s eyes are closed so she doesn’t have to see the room go into pitch blackness.

“I’d like to leave them on for a bit if you don’t mind?” Olivia nods is well aware that this is for her benefit and not his but he doesn’t make a big show, lets her keep her pride. She squeezes his hand in thanks and squeezes back before he wraps his arms around her and this time when they both sleep, it’s a peaceful dream-less sleep.


	10. Teddy Bears and Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (almost) Friday here! :) Just wanted to post this little chapter cause to be honest I'm getting anxious about showing yall where I take this and well the chapter would've been INSANELY long (which I particularly don't mind and I'm sure many of you agree) BUT I kinda worried that it'd be so long that it wouldn't have the same impact? If that makes sense?
> 
> Which makes me more nervous cause now you'll be expecting a freaking tidal wave of impact...
> 
> Either way, please let me know what you think! :)
> 
> Oh and if you're wondering how many pages I'm on for this story...the answer is 111 (124 with extraneous stuff that I'm keeping) and this chapter started on Pg. 24 and ended on 29!

The family room has been cleaned and vacuumed and he’s making breakfast when she finally steps into the kitchen at a quarter to ten in the morning, the only reminder of last night is the picture of the seven Stabler’s sitting on the coffee table instead of in a frame.

She sits on the couch and waits silently staring at the photo when he brings her over-easy eggs with bacon and toast she smiles slightly but doesn’t move to lift her fork, he sits at the other end of the couch and begins eating, “Liv,” his voice is soft like he’s trying to gauge where she is at the moment.

Olivia looks up at him a strained smile on her lips and he smiles back, “You alright?” She nods and eats exactly ten bites before she sets the plate down on the coffee table, “You want something else?” _Head shake._ “Was it alright?” _Head nod._ “Can you eat a little more?” _Head shake._ “You done?” _Head nod._

There’s a knock at the door and she jumps and Elliot stands and he takes her right hand in his left, “Come on that’s your surprise.”

Olivia’s body shakes, when Serena had a surprise it usually involved being left for weeks on end, being beat, or something _far worse_. Her eyes darken at the thought that Elliot could do _that_ to her, her heart rate is fast as she fights against him and her words tumble out of her mouth, “Nonono you promised me! You promised you wouldn’t hurt me!”

Elliot’s smile falls off his face and he bends down to catch her eyes again, “It’s a good one I promise, Liv trust me.”

Olivia skirts to Elliot’s eyes and then away, his eyes are too blue and she’s afraid she’ll drown in them if she stares too long, “I’m scared…I’m terrified that you’re gonna hurt me,” she confesses, “You have power and control—”

“—I would never do that to you. How could I do that to the woman I love? It’s a good surprise, I’m making good on a promise that I made to you.”

Her eyes search his face, staring into his baby blues, “It’s a good surprise?”

Elliot nods, “You’re going to be so happy I promise,” she nods and she latched onto his arm her body is slightly behind his.

He’s promised that this is a good surprise but he’s also promised to protect her, right now she is putting all her trust into him and that terrifies her. Her whole life has been a series of abuse and Lewis may have been the catalyst but he only responsible for a small part of this. The hurt goes further than skin, tissue, and bone it plunges into the deepest depths of her soul and all she’s with in the end is more scars and higher walls.

Elliot opens the door and a small brown headed blur runs wrapping his arms around her legs and he only lossens his grip when his parent’s remind him to be careful. Olivia doesn’t seem to care and is already attempting to lift up the boy in her good arm and kissing any part of him she can find.

“It took you FOREVERRRRRRR to open the door daddy!” Eli’s arms out wide as he talks from where he’s settled on Olivia’s hip, “Mommy only let me knock ONE time! I had to sit down you were takin’ SO long, what were you guys doin’?!”

“I was…it was my fau-”

“I was washing the pans from breakfast and I asked Aunt Livvy to wait so I could surprise her, I’m sorry I made you guys wait,” Elliot explains cutting her off.

Eli sighs and rubs a little hand over his face, “Daddy always takes forever cleaning up it drives me nuts! I wanna show you my room,” Eli starts fidgeting to be put down and she has no choice but to place the little boy back onto the floor. When she straightens Elliot doesn’t miss the way the light happiness flickers out of her eyes like a bright bulb burning out, but then his little hand wraps around the fingers of her right arm, “Come on Aunt Livvie let’s go play!”

Olivia looks behind her as she is pulled down the hall and Elliot smiles and nod at her, “Have fun Aunt Livvie,” her face brightens and then she turns away looking down at the youngest Elliot Stabler.

Him and Kathy stand there just inside the doorway for a couple more minutes until they hear the door to his room open and close, “Thanks for bringing him, Kath. I know we agreed especially this early on with her being here, but she had a bad night and she asked and I couldn’t break her heart again.”

“I get it just let me know when it gets to be too much tonight, I packed his school bag just in case but-” Elliot nods knowing where she’s going with it so she doesn’t have to, “I got Olivia somethings…underwear and toiletry items,” it’s awkward but Elliot looks at her with appreciation, squeezes her upper arm and says thank you.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Eli comes flying around the corner laughing as Olivia walks behind him with a big grin, she stalls when she sees them still talking and approaches more cautiously. Elliot swears he can see the walls go back up, imagines that they’re similar to the impenetrable steels walls he’s installed at some of his client’s homes.

Kathy bends to whisper into Eli’s ear and then he’s spinning around hiding, or trying to hide, a paper gift bag behind his tiny body, “Aunt Livie I have a surprise for you!”

Olivia glares at him and he’s about to try and explain that this is one surprise he’s had nothing to do with, that he didn’t tell her secret to Kathy while she’s been gone playing with his son.

Kathy beats him to the punch, “It’s from Eli and I. We told a fib the other day when we saw you at the hospital about the party, he really wanted to go and get you a present it isn’t much but he saw it he was convinced it was you and him.”

Olivia glances at him again and when he nods she bends to take the bag from his son. Her body is tense as though she’s preparing for the possibility to have to defend herself, if this kind gesture actually has an ulterior motive. She asks if Eli can help her open it and he’s only too happy to oblige as he pulls out the tissue paper, and it flies around them and then he pulls out the gift and hands it to her.

Two cream teddy bears one big and the other a cub and the big one holds the cub on the hip, “It’s you and me! See you’re the big one and I’m the baby cub, I’m not a baby anymore and I’m not a real bear but it’s you and me cause you’re my God Mom, see?!” Olivia nods and she wraps her arm around him hard trying not to let the freshest wave of tears break her barely constructed dam.

“Thank you, baby,” Olivia whispers against his shoulder, “Thank you, thank you so much.” Her eyes are squeezed tightly shut but Elliot looks at Kathy and they smile watching the two embracing each other.

Eli pulls away first looking petting the new stuffed animal and Olivia’s face falls ever so minutely at the absence of his touch, “Now you gotta pick a name!”

“Will you help me?” Eli nods excitedly and runs over to the couch and calling for her to join him, she looks back at the two adults and whispers quietly, “Thank you again for letting me…just thank you.”

Kathy steps forward and gently wraps her in a hug, holding on when Olivia tenses and then relaxes muscle by muscle, “El texted me your size and I picked up some things and some other toiletry items for you he has them, alright?” Kathy whispers into her ear and she nods, “If you need anything-” Olivia’s soft ‘thanks’ cuts her off and Kathy let’s her go.

Olivia walks away towards Eli but her steps are slow and purposeful staying within earshot of their low conversations, trying to listen to what they say in hushed whispers about her. Olivia waits until the door is closed and locked behind the blonde woman, “Did you tell her about me? About what you saw? Cause if you did-”

“I would never, you think that little of me?”

“No, but I don’t know…my mind keeps playing these tricks on me like you said earlier that you…you loved me?”

He nods, doesn’t deny it and it’s a confirmation that he hasn’t lied to her, that he didn’t say it to use or embarrass her and then he says softly, “I meant that too, Liv. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen with Cassidy, I love you no matter what. She’s marrying someone else and besides I love you, Liv.”

Olivia shrugs a little, “She still loves you, she told me still cared about you right before you signed the papers the first time.”

“And I still care about her,” her eyes jerk up to look at him and he squeezes her right hand a little, “But that doesn’t mean I’m still _in love_ with her. Why would you think that we’d get back together now after being divorced for almost two years?”

“Cause I’m back…you can _use me_ as your dirty little secret for all the ugly stuff and be the perfect man for her and your family in the _perfect_ home with the white picket fence where ya sit down to a homecooked family dinner every night.” Olivia’s right arm grips her cast over her stomach, like she’s trying to protect her heart from a perfect shot, “I mean it isn’t hard to believe I’ve been…I’ve been…”

“You’ve been what, Olivia? You’ve been used and abused before so you think that it would be alright if I did it too?”

Olivia shrugs looking down at her crossed arms, as SpongeBob plays on the television screen, “Don’t have anyone else…you’re the only one I can really talk to everyone else is just...everyone else couldn’t handle all of me, so yeah why wouldn’t you want a little quid pro quo you deal with all my emotional baggage and you get to take adv—”

“I could never do that to you you’re my best friend, hell I just told you I loved you how could I ever do that to you?”

Olivia shrugs her eyes staring at an unknown spot on the floor, “Most people find it easy.”

“Well I hope I’m not like most people then because I couldn’t hurt you like that.” Elliot kisses her head and he gently cups her chin with his right hand and he lifts her chin so he can look into her eyes, “We’re friends because we agreed we would be, for our kids. Kathleen is better but it’s not like the diagnosis has gone away and...” Elliot’s voice drops to a low whisper, “And Eli…there’s a possibility that Eli has dyslexia, Liv. He’s being tested we still don’t know for sure but some of the signs haven’t…they haven’t gone away yet, and they should’ve he’s almost six now.”

“I didn’t know I’m sorr—”

“We haven’t…really told anyone yet the other kids know and that’s about it, when they came to visit you in the hospital and Kathy and I went for the coffee?” She nods a little remembering, “We were talking about it. He hasn’t had to really deal with it still young, so hopefully it won’t hinder his learning but still it isn’t easy to hear that your kid has a learning disability.”

She shakes her head and kicks her foot lightly against the ground, “You’re his father, Eli needs his father more than I should need you.”

“And he has two parents and Kathy’s fiancé, who adores him as if he was his own kid, and it’s not like I wouldn’t have talked to him or seen him but you were still going to come first and she understood that.”

Olivia shakes her head, “No no no I won’t...I won’t do this to you too I won’t be so needy that you can’t… I can go somewhere else maybe…I could…I could stay with…Brian or…maybe Alex would…I could stay on her couch?” Olivia ducks her head again as a tear falls from her eyes and she begins to move with the intent of going to her room…his room to pack the one outfit she has, “Can I take…if you’d just let me borrow an extra pair of sweats—"

Elliot’s arm lands on her elbow soft enough to stop her but he’s careful not to pull her, “Liv you wanna be here and I want you here—”

“My arm and the stitches can heal anywhere, Elliot. Then…then I’ll be fine and I can go back to my little one-bedroom apartment and I’ll be fine. I won’t disrupt your life more than I already have—"

He squeezes her hand, “You _are not_ disrupting my life. I want you here, my son wants you here, and the most important person in this situation,” she ducks her head staring at their hands, “ _You, Liv_ want to be here. I know you and I know if you didn’t wanna be here you’d’ve been long gone by now.”

“El, he’s your kid he needs…I’m an adult I know that life isn’t always fair that I don’t always get what I want or need and I’m okay with that but—”

The SpongeBob episode Eli was watching must’ve ended because they hear him jump off the couch and a moment later he’s running into kitchen smiling, “Aunt Livie can you come watch a movie with me?!”

Olivia glances at him and he nods and Olivia kneels in front of him smiling, “You pick and I’ll watch whatever you want.” She watches as he runs off back into the family room and then she stands again, “El—”

“—I wanna watch 'Up!'” Eli calls excitedly from the family room.

Elliot smiles at her and squeezes her hand, “Come on let’s go watch the movie.”

“Ellio—”

He squeezes her hand again, “We’ll talk later, Liv. This movie is going to make you cry but you’ll love it.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It turns out that Elliot is right she’s resting her head on his shoulder and tears roll down her cheeks landing on his shirt, and Eli rests his head against her stomach. She wipes her eyes as they watch the credits roll through and she feels Elliot’s lips gently press against her head.

“Did you like it?”

She glances up at him and grins, “That was good. Never really watched a Disney movie before but that was good.”

Eli gasps as he looks up at her, “You never watched Disney movies before? Even daddy says he saw some when he was growin’ up and he’s old! Are you older than daddy?”

They both dissolve into laughter and Eli joins in, and it’s a good minute or two before Elliot can reply to his son while he wipes the tears away, “Aunt Livie is actually younger than me.”

“Then why haven’t you seen any Disney movies?”

“I uh…my mom didn’t like me watching too much TV when I was growing up.”

Elliot rubs his hand up and down her casted arm and explains to his son, “Some parents are stricter with the TV than mommy and I are it just depends.”

“Oh…well daddy and I love watching movies so you’ll see lots with us!”

Olivia grins back at him and he shrugs a little, “What can I say? I like movies.”

Eli rolls off the couch laughing as he almost falls missing the way Olivia’s face pales as she watches him roll, the way she gasps right before he catches himself. “Can I take pictures now with Aunt Livie’s cast?”


	11. Movies and Lego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to scars, nothing descriptive yet but we have burns and scars so please be aware. Also, Cassidy is in this and I'm not the nicest to him, so if you like him I'd drop this story now (cause I don't get nicer). :)
> 
> This chapter went in a different direction than I had planned but I like it better so hopefully you agree! :)

Pictures with Olivia’s cast turns into coloring together and when Eli begins talking about his drawing of a “super-sized building with a flying elevator,” that quickly turns into building a supersized Lego city. Elliot grins as she gets pulled to his room again for some Lego building, while Eli informs her of everything he wants to build.

Elliot’s in the kitchen washing the dishes in the sink when his phone rings and it’s an area code from Queens but he doesn’t recognize the number, “Stabler.”

“You still answer the phone like you’re a cop,” A voice laughs and it sounds familiar but not enough to place it, “It’s Nick I forgot I never gave you my number yesterday.”

“You need something or you just calling to make fun, Amaro?” His voice is amused while he throws most of Olivia’s breakfast into the trashcan.

“Wanted to ask how you and Liv were doin’?”

Elliot wipes the bacon grease off the microwave turntable, holding the phone against his shoulder, “Good Kathy brought Eli today so he basically has her wrapped up in whatever activity seems to catch his attention at the moment,” Nick laughs says something about that being good for her. “Yeah, it’s been nice seeing her laugh more, you wanna talk to her?”

“Only if her and Eli don’t mind.”

Elliot knocks on his door and then opens it a couple seconds later, the two are sitting cross-legged on the floor playing with his Lego, “Nick is on the phone, you wanna talk?”

Olivia nods and tells Eli she’ll be back and then takes the phone from him, walking out of the room while he takes Olivia’s spot on the floor, “What are you two building in here?”

“Buildings we’re gonna make a gigantic city!” Eli talks about his plans for their city while Elliot finishes Olivia’s multi-colored building.

Olivia’s voice is a whisper and her knuckles are white as she grips the door frame, “El?”

Elliot stands placing his hand on her cast as directs her away from the room so he can close the door and then down the hallway a bit, he rubs the back of his neck nervously leaning against the wall as she stands in front of him less than a foot away, “What’s up?”

“Nick…they want me go down to the station house tomorrow they have questions with…with my statement,” Olivia’s eyes stare at the floor.

“What’s wrong with your statement? If they think you lied, I’ll-”

“No!” Her voice is louder than he’s heard since this happened and he realizes this is the loudest he’s heard her voice since before he left, “No…they don’t think I lied they think…they think…”

Elliot sighs and stares at the floor too rubbing his neck again as her soft voice trails off again, “They think you left out information.” Olivia nods slowly not meeting his eyes and she hears the question surround them before he asks it, “Did you?”

She sucks in a breath and her eyes nervously flit up to his before she ducks her head and walks back to his son’s room, and Elliot leans his head back against the wall thinking of the information that she could’ve possibly left out, no doubt to protect herself. He didn’t stop her just let her go, as always.

When Elliot reappears in his son’s room he’s brought an elephant with him and Olivia can’t help but glance at him as he sits across from her on the rug. Eli is busy searching his Lego box for a specific block and Elliot locks eyes with her for just long enough to whisper, “You thought you were protecting yourself and that isn’t something I can ever judge you for, whatever it is I won’t leave you,” shock and then relief color her face.

Eli stands over their creation and he deems that his father’s creation is the post office and Olivia is currently building the police station, and he wants to help. She taps the small space left open between her legs and he leans against her as he helps build the police station, and Olivia spends more time watching him than she does building.

There’s a loud pounding on the front door and then, “OLIVIAAAAA!”

The noise makes her jump and Eli looks up confused by the strange disturbance and he stands, she right behind him, “Close and lock the door.”

“OLIVIAAAAA! OPEN UP I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”

Olivia shakes her head, “He wants me I’ll just go with him and you and Eli can—”

“Olivia,” His voice is stern like when a case used to get to him and he couldn’t help but push until he closed it. She straightens a little she knows this voice, knows it’s her job as his partner to have his back and he watches as Olivia Benson transforms into Detective Benson before his eyes. “You’re my partner and you swore to me you would protect my son, your God Son, and now I’m asking you to do just that, will you?”

Elliot hears the door lock behind him as he makes his way to the front door where the man is still pounding. The door flies open and the other man stumbles inside and Elliot realizes that he hadn’t expected the door to open, “Where’s she? ‘LIVIA! O-LIVIAAAAA!”

Elliot pushes the man against the closed door, “What the hell is wrong with you? She’s been through hell and back and you come in here screaming and—” they’re standing less than a foot away from each other and Elliot slams him into the door again, “Fuck! You’re fucking drunk aren’t you?”

“What the hells ‘atter to you? I had a ‘uge drug bust so I celebrated with my friendsss,” Cassidy pushes the other man back a lazy grin on his lips.

“Meanwhile your girlfriend is living in hell but good to know that you can go out and drink like normal, celebrate your big wi—”

“—Not like you let me see her you control how long I stay bringing that kid of yours in and cutting my time fucking short!”

“It doesn’t fucking give you the right to go out drinking and then come here wasted screaming for her, how do you fucking think that’s gonna make her feel?!” Elliot grabs him by the shirt and pulls him away from the door opens it and then shoves him out, “Fucking sober up before you come here again and don’t you fucking dare start screaming for her like she’s a fucking dog!” Elliot slams the door, the sound reverberates throughout the condo as he locks the door behind him. He leans his forehead against it breathing in and out slowly in a desperate attempt to calm down before he frightens her.

He knocks on the door gently and it’s quiet and he knocks again and says softly, “It’s just me, Liv.”

He hears an excited, “Daddy!” The door flies open and his son is standing there with the tablet, that he’s only allowed to use on long drives and his Mickey Mouse headphones cover his ears, “Aunt Livie brought me Harry Potter from the online store, can I keep watching it?”

Elliot lifts him swinging him around as Eli laughs, “You can watch it on the TV,” he slips off the headphones and takes the tablet before he sets him on the floor, “Let’s go put it on.”

“Aunt Livie you’re gonna watch it too right?”

She cowers further against the wall, “Just need a minute…” her voice strained.

He bends down to look his son in the eye smiling, “Go put the TV on and I’ll be right out.” He stands watching as Eli sprints from the room yelling excitedly about _finally_ getting to watch Harry Potter.

He stands walking to where she’s curled into the corner her forehead against her knees and her right arm covers her head, her fingers wrapped around the back of her neck, and he crouches down reaching out to touch her but she must be watching him because she only recoils further, “Livie it’s just me.”

She trembles curling her into herself, “Just give me a _minute…_ please?”

“You wanna go into your room?”

“No…just… _please,_ Elliot?” Her voice is the closest to thing to broken that he’s ever heard and it terrifies him but he stands watching her for a moment from the doorway before he closes the door and follows his son down the hall.

They’re halfway through the movie when he hears her soft footsteps just before they appear in the entryway of the hall and he breathes a sigh of relief, even though her face is covered in wet and dry tear tracks. She keeps her head down as she walks towards the kitchen and he follows quietly behind her watching as she stands awkwardly in his kitchen staring at his cabinets.

“Where’s your glasses?” Her voice is raspy and he knows she’d been sobbing in his son’s room; they hadn’t heard her over the TV but her voice confirms his suspicions.

“Upper cabinet to the right of the sink.”

She drinks one full glass of water and then refills it, “I don’t wanna talk.”

“’Kay then come watch Harry Potter with us? You ever see these movies before, cause I gotta tell you Hermione reminds me of a younger you?” She glances at him and then shakes her head, a small smirk on her lips.

His son pats the space beside him on the couch for her and he can’t help but grin as he watches Eli lean against her and her arm wraps around him. Elliot makes two grilled cheese sandwiches and cuts one in half, giving one half to her and keeping the other half for himself. Eli moves to eat at the coffee table, and at the loss of Eli’s warmth she moves centimeters across the small gap between them until she’s finally curled into his side. He drops his arm around her shoulders as he kisses her head and the thought of denying her doesn’t cross his mind.

Thirty minutes later while the credits roll to the theme song Eli falls asleep on the floor and Elliot lifts him onto the couch before Olivia takes the throw from the back of the couch to cover him.

“I guess we better do the bandages,” she ducks her head as she walks past him and down the hallway. She sits on her bed her feet swinging off the sides when he enters closing the door behind him, and he goes into the bathroom to grab the bag from the hospital and the stuff that Kathy had brought earlier.

“I asked Kathy to get some Neosporin for your burns I read that it’s supposed to help.”

“You tell her?”

“No.”

She nods slightly her eyes still boring a hole into the floor, “Will you…” she shifts uncomfortably as her voice trails off before a sob can break through, “Will you do the ones on my back first?”

He bends in front of her but is careful not to touch her, “You never—” her eyes skirt to meet his and then they’re gone again but he saw the shame, “What’s on your back, Liv?”

He helps her remove her sweatshirt first and then he turns around before she pulls off his large t-shirt, “You can turn around.”

Her back is littered with scarred over cigarette burns but the raised blotchy red skin takes his breath away, “He…how the hell did he…what did he use for the…Dear God…”

“My keys he heated them in a pan over the stove before he—” a harsh sob releases from deep within her, “He branded me right? His initials and the…the words?”

“Yeah and the tally marks,” she presses her face into the mattress as she let’s out a guttural sob as he coats them in the ointment. “You could’ve told me yesterday I would’ve done something you must’ve been in excruciating pain and I wouldn’t have—”

She sucks in a breath, “It felt good.”

“How does this feel—”

“Pain comforts me makes me realize I’m not some ice-cold _bitch_ and for a while I’m not numb.”

“I’ll tell you that, you don’t need to cause yourself pain to feel—”

She turns over onto her back and he reaches for the towel he’d grabbed from the bathroom but she doesn’t take it, “Just do my upper body first?” He nods but neither says anything as he takes off the old bandages as carefully as possible to not pull at her skin.

“I don’t believe people’s words. When I was eight I got a horrible case of pneumonia, must’ve been horrible enough cause my mom was terrified. One night, she was sitting by my bedside and I _heard_ her promise God that if He gave me a miracle she’d change, she sobbed for me…for a miracle, and she didn’t leave my bedside the entire week and a half that I was bedridden,” she stares a spot on the wall.

“What happened after you got better?”

She scoffs but it turns into a sob and she covers her mouth with the back of her hand, “She backhanded me into a wall that weekend said I was _rude_ to her and her newest boyfriend, and then I got beat again after he broke up with her, my fault apparently.” She shrugs a little and her eyes glances at him for a moment, “You can’t just tell me nice things…my brain isn’t normal, El. My mom promised God that if He saved me she wouldn’t hurt me anymore…she wouldn’t let me be hurt and she lied. I was eight the first time I fell asleep wishing I would die.”

He nods a little as he helps her pull back on a clean Marines t-shirt of his and a sweatshirt before he lowers her sweatpants and she lays back down, staring off again, “Actions have always meant more to you and I’ll do better, Liv. I promise you.”

“Already have.” He barely realizes she’s speaking until it’s too late for him to respond, but her quick glance to meet his eyes is enough to confirm that she said it and he heard it.

They’re both in the family room, Elliot’s showing her pictures of the most recent family vacation they took when Eli wakes up he asks if they can watch the second Harry Potter. The clouds from earlier have opened and slow drizzle of rain falls over the city and Elliot’s hard-pressed to find a reason to say no, he fails.

Olivia hates the snakes in the second movie and Eli takes it upon himself to cover her eyes every time one appears and Elliot laughs joking with her about this previously unknown fear of the slithering creatures. She swats his chest causing him to laugh harder, but she curls into his warm body and Eli’s curled into hers under the warm blanket, and she wonders if this is how a family is supposed to feel.

* * *

They pause the movie when Eli says he wants to help make the pasta for dinner and Olivia follows awkwardly standing in the doorway watching the father and son fall into what seems to be a routine. She’s has the harsh realization that even if this is what a family is supposed to feel like she’s still an outsider she hadn’t even known what cabinet his glasses were kept in. How could she possibly think she had a place in this family?

Elliot smiles back at her from where he stands by the counter, Eli sits cross-legged on the countertop seasoning the sauce, “You gonna join us?”

Eli’s head pops up from where he was staring into the bowl of sauce, “Yeah! Aunt Livie come and help us!”

She approaches slowly like the floor may give out below her if she walks too fast and he holds out his arm. His hand comes within millimeters of the small of her back, before he stops and it lands on the middle of her back where he knows the only marks have been long scarred over.

She stares at her hands she’s made it about her again, ruined a perfectly relaxing Sunday by allowing _him_ to enter the forefront of their minds, and it feels like he’s standing in the kitchen with them now. She looks up at him nervously wringing her hand hand around the drawstring of his sweatpants, “I’m sorr—”

“Everything’s fine,” he slips his arm around her waist and hands her a spoon and smiles softly at her confused expression, “Time to taste test the sauce.”

“Why are we doing this?”

Eli grins at her as he dips his spoon into the sauce and sticking it in his mouth, “Cause we gotta make sure it tastes good before we cook it! And I did a good job it’s the best sauce EVER!”

Elliot laughs and he takes her spoon from her hands and dips both of their spoons into the bowl and then hands it back to her, and Eli watches excitedly as they both taste it. “Is it good, Liv?” _Nods._

Eli claps from his spot on the counter and then he leaps off and Olivia gasps watching him in slow motion in the air, but Elliot catches him easily, placing him safely on the floor. A second later he’s off running to his room for his Harry Potter coloring book and crayons and Elliot grins at her, “Do you need help with dinner?”

“Aunt Livie come color with me!”

Elliot grins at her, “I’m good and I think you have plans to color.” Olivia smiles a little guarded but a smile nonetheless as Eli runs back into the family room and they sit at the coffee table until dinner is ready, finishing the Chamber of Secrets while they eat.


	12. Helpful Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been kinda harping on this since Ch. 8 but if you get triggered by rape please don't read this, reading this story isn't worth hurting yourself.
> 
> Also, I'm on Tumblr if you wanna chat about Bensler all-night long I'm your person my screenname is: justagirlwholovesyellowlabs

Eli insists that Olivia read him a story and put him to bed and Elliot laughs as Olivia is pulled from the couch to his son’s room for the third time that day, “Have fun you two,” the pair smiles back at him.

Thirty minutes later, Elliot stands against the doorway staring into the dark room, the only glow is from his Mickey Mouse nightlight. He watches as his partner sit on the edge of his son’s bed gently running her fingers through the boy’s hair as he sleeps. His steps are quiet against the rug and he squeezes her shoulder softly, “Come on Liv.”

She glances back once more at the doorway before he closes the door leaving it slightly ajar and then he leads her back down the hallway to the family room, “It’s quiet in here without him, even when he was napping it wasn’t this quiet.” She sits in the corner of the couch and draws her knees to her chest, “…I knew he’d get up and I wouldn’t—”

Her mouth slams shut and he watches her shut down in front of him again, “Wouldn’t have to talk?” _Nods._ “Wouldn’t have to think about tomorrow?”

“Don’t.” Her voice is hardened but swimming in her eyes are fear and shame, “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

He sits on the other end of the couch and both of them are silent for a while before he finally whispers, “It won’t change anything you know that right?”

Her forehead falls to her knees, “Gonna change everything.” She lets herself fall onto her left side and her head rests on the center cushion of the couch, curling into the fetal position as her right hand grips her cast and silent tears roll down her face and onto the couch cushions, “I’m gonna be just like _her_.”

“Like who?”

“ _My mom_ , who else Elliot?” Her words are spat out like the words themselves abused and tormented her for years, “Should grab a fucking bottle and just go all the way.”

“You’re strong and you’ll get through this, you're nothing like he—”

“He raped me, Elliot!” She trembles as sobs rack her body, “Like mother, like daughter.”

Tears flood his eyes and his second reaction is to grab his keys and torture the scumbag himself he knows he still has—

A loud sob breaks through her lips, and his thoughts, and her voice is broken into a million little pieces, “Don’t leave me.”

He drops onto his knees on the floor in front of her and his hands settle flat in front of her so she can see them, so she knows his anger is not a reflection of her. He knows nothing he’s feeling comes close to the anguish and pain she’s experiencing, has been experiencing and he has the realization that she’d never planned on telling anyone. “Can I touch you…can I hold you?”

His voice is raspy already and she looks up at him through tear-filled eyes and she’s just about to let herself be comforted by him when she recoils and her body shakes with a sob, “Don’t hurt me.”

“Never again.”

She untangles her arms wrapping them around his neck and burying her face into his neck and sobs. He keeps his right arm in the center of her back and slips his left under her legs as he stands, cradling her body to his chest as she sobs. He sits on the couch as her shoulders shake and he feels his own shoulders tremble wet, hot tears trailing slowly down his cheeks.

She sobs into his neck and it takes awhile before her sobs finally stop racking her body and silent tears roll down her face. Her voice is broken and plagued with fear, “I can’t lose you…I’m not gonna survive if you leave me again.”

He wraps his arms around her careful of her burn marks, “I’m not leaving you ever again I promise, Liv.”

Olivia nods into his neck but he knows she doesn’t believe him and he holds her tighter, “I feel worthless and empty like he took what was left of me and left the shell behind.” He slips his hand into her hair scratching her scalp lightly, careful of the areas where he pulled out clumps of hair.

He shakes head and then turns his head to kiss her head right above her ear and whispers thickly, “You’re not a shell.”

“Come on, Liv let’s go lay down it’s been a long day and tomorrow is gonna be even longer,” Olivia grips the back of his shirt with her good hand as he stands and sets her feet on the ground, there’s a momentary flash of panic and something else he can’t quite place. “You alright?” _Head nods._ “You want me to sleep in your bed again?” _Head shake_.

When they reach her door she flips the lights on glancing around the room her eyes frantic for only a moment and then she turns and tries for a smile but it looks more like a grimace than a smile. She goes for bravery even if it’s not what she actually wants, and Elliot has to wonder how often she’s given up pieces of herself for others.

She’s about to close the door when he catches her eye, “I’ll be next door if you need anything,” Olivia nods in understanding and whispers ‘thank you.’

It’s not until he wakes to the hardwood floors creaking that he realizes he fell asleep and it’s now the middle of the night. He’s about to chalk it up to random noises when he hears it again and realizes it isn’t the random creaks, but of someone pacing. He opens the door just in time to see her reach her room, debate with herself and he thinks she must be weighing whether she can finally give herself what she so desperately needs or stick with what’s expected. She turns and take a step closer to his room and he finally steps into the hallway from his doorway. It’s dark in the hallway despite the light being on in her room, but he can still see the shock and fear filter across her face when her head lifts a few steps from him.

She takes a few steps back her feet tripping over themselves as she tries to get back to her room she’ll be safe there, she knows there’s a lock on the door if she can just make it to _her room._ She bumps into the wall, tripping over her own feet and he watches helpless as she falls onto her right side and hot tears roll down her face as she curls into herself.

He kneels beside her and she trembles, “Liv I’m gonna slip my hands under your armpits so you can sit up, alright?” She nods a little and sucks in a breathe when his hands slip underneath her and he sits her up against the wall gently, “Can I check your arm?”

“It’s fine.”

“You fell on it pretty hard,” he watches her glance at her arm and then back at him before she nods. He goes through the same check he does for Eli, and did for his other kids, when they’d fall a bit too hard playing outside or roughhousing. “It seems fine, may get a bad bruise on her upper arm though.”

She scoffs, “Nothing new about that.”

“Why were you out here in the middle of the night?”

She recoils further her legs pressed up against her chest and he thinks of the stitches and the burns and knows she must be in unimaginable pain in this current contortion. “Thought you said I could leave my room whenever I want,” her voice is defeated. The realization that his comments from yesterday are a lie that this is only a temporary home, and one where she’ll remain a guest no matter how long she stays.

“You can make a ten-course meal in the middle of the night, for all I care, but I thought maybe…” he meets her eyes and she glances away quickly staring at her knees, “Thought maybe you wanted me?”

“You’re gonna be angry with me,” her voice is so small and he wonders how it’s possible that a woman who arrests and interrogates the scum of the earth can suddenly sound abused child.

“I promise I won’t be angry with you, I just want to help.”

“That’s what they always said before they’d… _hurt me_ …” her head falls against her knees.

“Who’s they, Liv?” Elliot asks softly and he slides down the opposite fall facing her.

She looks up as though she’d forgotten that he was there and her mouth opens and closes a few times, “Him.”

“Who else?”

“Elliot.”

“You said—”

He watches anger cross her face and he knows he stepped too far into the no-mans land zone, but then she drops her head to her knees again and her right hand grips the back of her neck. “Do I really have to spell it out for you? I know you know who I’m talking about, Elliot.”

“Your mom.”

“I don’t wanna talk about him, but I _really_ don’t wanna talk about her,” she wraps her arms around her legs as best she can and if it’s possible she pulls her knees even closer to her chest. “ _Please?”_ Her voice is a strangled mess and he promises quietly that he’ll drop her name from his vocabulary until she says otherwise.

“What would he do when you made a mess?”

Her body trembles a little and he thinks she’s having a panic attack or flashback when she speaks, “He would say he was there to help me and then he’d—” a sob slips out and she bites her knuckles tears are streaming down her face, “I tried to cl…clean it up! I swear Elliot, I tried but I—”

“I don’t care about messes I have five kids and two grandkids, if I wasn’t used to messes, I’d be doing something wrong.” Olivia shakes her head again and he scoots into the middle of the hall, so close he could touch her if he wanted, “Liv…did…I mean were…” He sighs at his inability to formulate words that doesn’t sound accusatory, she pulls her knees up to her chest, “Liv is there a mess?”

Olivia lifts her head the tiniest bit and extends her right hand the tiniest bit to point into her room, “In there.”

He nods slowly as he stands up and walks towards the room, the only sound is her muffled cries as he stands in the doorway the room looks normal. The bed is disheveled and there’s a glass of water sitting on the nightstand but otherwise nothing is out-of-place. He takes a couple more steps into the room figuring it must be in the bathroom when he realizes that the sheets are soaked, and he hears Olivia’s whispered apologies over and over as she cries. He kneels in front of her careful to not touch her, “Liv it’s alright let’s get you cleaned up,” he opens his palm to her and she sobs a little harder turning away from it.

He sighs again and she muffles a sob ducking her head, waiting for the blow, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry I won’t…it won’t happen again just don’t-”

“Liv,” she recoils again her body trembling, “Liv…Liv can you look at me?” _Head shake_. “Just give me some indication that you’re listening to me cause it’s important, please?”

Olivia drops her forehead against her knees and nods her head, “’Kay.”

“I’m not angry with you Liv and I definitely don’t care about sheets on a bed, but I do care about you and I know that you must be really uncomfortable and I’m sure you’d like a nice warm shower, am I right?” Olivia nods a little and Elliot holds out his hand again his palm up, “Come on Liv.”

She eyes his hand and then her eyes dart to his face, “You gonna beat me?”

“Never.”

“Promise?”

“On my life.”

She takes his hand, letting him help her up and he leads her back to her room, he heads straight for the bathroom and she glances up at him, “I can do the bed if you can just give me the sheets—”

“I’ll do it but let’s take care of you first, come on,” He softly encourages her squeezing her hand lightly as they continue walking towards the bathroom. Olivia stands on the fuzzy navy rug in front of the sink while Elliot starts the warm shower, he runs his hand up and down her good arm, “You okay?” Olivia shrugs staring at the floor, “You want me to help you undress?”

A tear rolls down her cheek and she nods, and he’s struck by how small she looks playing with the hem of his oversized sweatshirt. Elliot is taking off the sweatshirt he gave her when she softly asks, “How am I gonna do the bandages when you fall asleep?”

If he hadn’t been standing right in front of her, he wouldn’t have heard her, “Who said I’m goin’ back to bed?” Elliot takes off her top and slowly begins removing the medical tape from the gauze bandages, Olivia lets out a small whimper as it pulls at her skin, “Sorry Liv, do you wanna do it? Maybe it’ll hurt les—”

“Can’t.”

His fingers move gently down to her abdomen, he hands her a towel once he’s done and then bends to begin peeling off her wet sweatpants and underwear. He listens to Olivia’s broken and whispered apologies but he knows whatever he says will fall on deaf ears. He’s promised to prove to her how much she means to him by his actions and he can only pray this is a step in the right direction.

He removes her pants first, then the bandages on her thighs and then he looks up to her and meets her eyes for the first time since they entered the bathroom. “I’m gonna hook my thumb right here ‘kay?” His fingers gently graze her hips so she is aware of what to expect, “I won’t look, I’m gonna shut my eyes and I’m gonna pull them straight down okay?” Olivia nods her head tilted back so she won’t have to watch or look him in the eyes while he strips away the last of her dignity.

Olivia’s body tenses and grips the towel that’s already covering her underwear area, his hands are gentle when he begins and she barely feels them against her body. When he’s done, she breathes a sigh of relief and a breathy, “El…thank you.”

Elliot stands and smiles at her and then grabs a long plastic slip from the cabinet under the sink, “I had Kathy get this when she brought everything else it covers your cast so you can have it in the shower and not get it wet.” He removes her sling and then slips the plastic covering over her casted arm, “You got it from here, Liv?”

Her head moves just barely up and down, “Thank you.”

“Call when you’re done or if you need help, I’m just going to get the sheets and your clothes into the wash, ‘kay?”

“Yeah,” her voice is quiet and mostly drowned out by the shower but he hears her. She waits for him to leave and he closes the door until it’s only open a sliver, and then she steps into the shower letting the warm water and steam engulf her.

“El?” He hears her call and her voice is soft and riddled with anxiety, the shower has just turned off and he glances at the alarm clock to see that it’s two thirty in the morning.

“I’m here, Liv.”

He had heard her sobs through the cracked door, and he knows she'd tried to muffle them, but the water wasn’t loud enough to drown out those noises. She opens the door slowly her hair is soaked and the towel he'd given her is wrapped tightly around her, but he can't help but stare at her red-rimmed eyes and he knows the pain she's feeling could fill all the oceans in the world to the deepest depths.


	13. Unintended Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoy this one and exciting news I created a Tumblr for writing https://thefictionallawyerwhowrites.tumblr.com/
> 
> Ask box is now open for any and all prompts (may even release some sneak peeks on there!)
> 
> Let me know what you think! :)

It’s almost an hour later before they’re laying back in bed and she’s curled against him finally taking some comfort for herself, and he holds her tightly as she drifts off to sleep. The room suddenly lights up from a flash of lightning and then a clap of thunder follows a few seconds later, her body trembles as she fists his top in her hand, “I don’t like thunder or lightning.”

Elliot tightens his arm around her pulling her closer against his side and she rests her head on his chest, “Since when?”

“Always. I don’t like loud noises,” she glances up at him and shrugs a little, “Childhood is always fun and games, right?”

Her question is met with silence, what could he say that wouldn’t sound condescending? He knows she’s had enough condescension and indifference and she doesn’t need it from him, never from him.

Another flash of lightning followed only seconds later a louder clap of thunder and her body quakes against his strong chest, “You ever wonder how you turned out the way you did?”

She pulls away her voice is low and irate but even in the darkness he can tell that she’s wounded, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He reaches for her but he doesn’t touch her, “Both your parents failed you. Yet, here you are strong, intelligent, and gorgeous.”

She drops her head and her hair falls over her face, and when he pushes it back he can feel the heat on her cheeks and then she whispers, “I usually wonder…why I’m not better?” Another flash followed by another clap that is loud enough for the room to vibrate. A sob releases from her throat and his arms wrap around her without her having to voice her need.

“There’s a part of me that actually likes the scars,” her voice is rough like sandpaper and he knows how this sounds, how someone could…would argue that she _wanted this,_ that she wanted _him_. His hands still for a moment in her hair and he feels her tense, “I don’t—I didn’t mean—”

“I know—”

“I just…I just mean they have finally made me as ugly on the outside as I always felt on the inside, now I don’t feel like I’m a liar or—”

“I understood what you meant. I know you never…feeling that way doesn’t mean you wanted _him_ or that you were asking for it, and I’ll personally punch anyone who ever says that about you. You’re not a liar, Liv.”

“I stare at them before I take a shower…I force myself to touch them. It only makes me feel like trash on the sidewalk, but I can’t stop I stare at myself in the mirror and I make my fingers trace the words. I’m terrified I’ll never be seen as anything more than trash that has to be taken out…”

Elliot doesn’t say anything for awhile and Olivia is halfway to sleep, tears silently trailing down her cheeks as she buries herself further in her mind. Her right hand is curled against her chest and he watches the shadow of her index finger trace lines over her sweatshirt. He grips her hand softly intertwining their fingers after a moment, stopping her from torturing herself any further.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes cause from where I’m standing, you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen,” he plants a kiss on the top of her head, “Inside _and_ outside.”

A quiet sob slips through her lips, “Thought you weren’t…I thought you agreed—”

“I’ll never agree with your negative self-talk, I just don’t have as expansive as a vocabulary as you. It takes a little while for me to come up with the words to accurately tell you how incredible you are, Liv,” his voice is light and she swats his stomach in response.

“You’re gonna make me conceited if you keep this up,” her voice is light.

“Good. You deserve someone who is gonna tell you how perfect you are for a change,” he tightens his hold on her and she snuggles deeper under the blankets, deeper into him. “Sleep Liv.”

* * *

They pull up to Eli’s school with fifteen minutes to spare and after a hug and a kiss from both Elliot and Olivia, they watch him run to join some friends as they head into the school. Elliot squeezes her hand as they pull out from the school parking lot and back into the traffic that is Friday morning in New York City.

Olivia’s anxiety slowly mounts block by miserable block until they finally pull into the parking lot of the precinct, a place that normally feels more like home than her actual home. He puts the truck in park but neither moves, “I’m scared,” she laughs humorlessly staring down at her lap, “Should’ve told the truth from the beginning huh?”

He reaches over to massage the back of her neck, “You were protecting yourself.” He stares straight ahead out the front windshield and she glances at him anxiously when he sighs, “I know.” He whispers it softly and she stares at her hands waiting for him to continue, she knows what he’s going to say, “I know you never planned on telling anyone but I have your back if you…I’ll back up _anything_ you say.”

“Why? You of all people know that when vic—when people don’t tell the truth about their rape it—”

He shrugs a little and his voice is thick, thicker than she’s can ever remember, “You deserve to know that someone has your back no matter what you say or _don’t_ say.”

“I refused the rape kit and the pictures and by the time I got transferred to St. James the evidentiary chain was broken and I…I was _happy_ about it, El. When you… when you walked through that door I was so happy…and so _terrified_ …” she looks up at him and as her chin trembles and she can’t stop the flood of tears and sobs. “I…I’m not a liar.”

“I know—”

She draws circles with her index finger on her sweatpants, “Its…its important to me that you don’t think I’m liar,” she glances up at him tears shine bright in her eyes.

“Never.”

“Promise?”

“On my life,” he leans over the center console and kisses her head and her eyes flutter close at the contact. He wipes the tears from her eyes gently and he smiles softly at her before he kisses her forehead, “Wanna get breakfast?”

Olivia bites her lip glancing at the building of the precinct and then she nods and the smallest of smiles grace their lips as they look at each other, “Our usual spot is still open. We could walk?”

They walk the block and a half to their usual spot and if he realizes she walks a bit closer than she used to he doesn’t comment. They sit at a booth near the back of the diner and Olivia’s anxiety is heightened by the loud, unfamiliar noises of the packed diner. She’s drinking her coffee when someone drops a pan in the back and she jumps for a third time. The hot liquid sloshes over the side onto her wrist and she hisses, he wets his napkin in his water glass and placing it on the burn spot.

“Apparently I can’t drink coffee in public anymore,” her voice is bitter her eyes boring a hole into the table.

He stands up on his side of the booth and reaches over the small table undoing the Velcro of her sling, her body tenses but she doesn’t stop him and her eyes watch his hands until he slips it off. He pats the top of the table, “Put your cast here.”

“El—”

“You can have the sling off for 20 minutes to eat breakfast,” he pats the table again, “Come on, Liv.”

She places her casted arm on the table cautiously glancing between his eyes and the cast and he has the dark realization that she thinks he’s going to hurt her. He slides his left hand across the small space wrapping his hand around her casted ones and she stares at their hands.

“Does it help?” His voice is cautious and low, well aware that this is likely the most public display of affection they’ve ever engaged in together.

“Yeah.” She stares continues to stare at their hands, his wrapped awkward around her casted one, “Is this wrong? Brian isn’t going to be happy if he hears I was holding your hand in the middle of a cop hangout…” her voice is thick and timid in the noisy diner but he hears her.

“It helps, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugs a little and reaches for his coffee as the waitress approaches with their meals, “Then its self-care.”

* * *

They’re walking back to the precinct when she mentions how nice it is for early October and they end up taking the long way back. She grows quiet as they approach the building, he didn’t think the breakfast or the long walk back would be magic but he had still hoped for her sake.

She runs her hand through her hair repeatedly eyes casted down at the precinct steps, “I’ll see you when I’m done.” She turns away from him so she doesn’t have to watch him walk away from her but she’s barely turned around before she’s spinning back around, “You’ll be here right? You’ll…wait for me, right?”

He nods slowly, “Yeah,” and she sucks in a breath barely lifting her head to nod once. Elliot watches her turn to face the door again her hand is on the handle, but she doesn’t move to open the door, and he whispers, “I thought you may want me to come up with you?”

Her body straightens and it feels as though she’s transformed into Detective Benson before his eyes, she doesn’t turn around when she asks, “You’ll come up?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want me to?”

She nods a little still facing away from him, “I do.”

He climbs the three steps to the precinct entrance and his hand settles on the middle of her back and he catches her eye, “Ready?”

She nods a little and he holds the door open for her, there are only a few officers in the lobby and they feel their eyes follow them as they make their way through security and to the desk sergeant for a visitor badge. They bypass the elevators without discussion and head for the stairs, and as they climb her heart beats faster and faster. They climb the stairs silently but his hand never leaves the middle of her back.

Elliot pulls the heavy metal door open for her before she can step into the hallway that leads to the Manhattan SVU squad room he grabs her hand and his voice is low but sincere, “I’ve got your six.” A small smile graces her lips.

The squad room quiets on their approach and Olivia’s right-hand twitches towards Elliot’s but she doesn’t reach for his hand. Cragen stands as they enter the squad room and he smiles at her, “Hey Liv.”

“Hi.”

“Give us about 20 minutes to get Alex and George down here alright?”

She grips the cast with her right hand and nods, glancing awkwardly around the squad room careful not to meet anyone’s eyes and she feels her breath hitch.

Elliot’s hand settles on the middle of her back and she looks up at him apprehensively, “I’m gonna go to the vending machine—” he sees the panic in her eyes at the thought of him leaving her even for a moment, “Wanna come?”

Once they’re away from the watchful eyes of her co-workers she grips his hand and he finds them a bench tucked away at the end of a forgotten hallway. “Thanks,” her voice is quiet but sincere.

“Figured you could use a break without everyone’s eyes on you,” he leans back against the wall beside her staring at the wall in front of them, “Gonna have enough of that.”

She rests her head on his shoulder closing her eyes, “I don’t want you to come in with me—”

“—‘kay whatever you want is fine with me—"

“—I just don’t want them to see me as anything but—” she cuts herself off glancing up at him realizing what he’d said, “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Your choice always, Liv.”

She dozes off against his shoulder until a blonde detective he’s never spoken to comes looking for them, he’s gathered that she must be Fin’s new partner but everything else is still a mystery, “They here?”

She glances at the brunette laying against him, “Yeah, she alright?”

He nods a little but he doesn’t move to wake her, “We’ll be right there.” He waits until she’s turns the corner at the end of the hall before he gently wakes her whispering in her ear, and he hand rubs up and down the middle of her back.

Olivia startles awake and her hand grips his knee, “Where—”

“Precinct,” his voice is soft in her ear, “Fin’s partner—”

“—Amanda Rollins,” she supplies softly.

“Yeah, she came to get us—” her body tenses at the thought of somebody else being near her while she was unaware, “I waited until she left before I woke you, Alex and George are here.”

Olivia mumbles a hello to Alex and George but otherwise makes no effort engage with either before she turns her attention back to Cragen, “Who’s taking my statement?”

“Nick, if that’s alright with you?” _Nods._ “You want somebody else in the room with you?” _Head shake._

George steps forward then, “Liv you’re offered the same privileges as anyone else, Elliot can go in—”

“I said no.” Her eyes shift to Nick, “Can we get this over with?”

* * *

Elliot sits in the chair on the side of Olivia’s desk staring off into space. Fin and Rollins are called to the lab some newly discovered evidence on a case they’ve been working for the past month. The squad room is eerily silent after they leave and for another thirty minutes he waits before she reappears and walks cautiously towards him as though she’s afraid he’s going to disappear on her. Nick heads into Cragen’s office and it’s just them alone in the squad room, “Alright?”

She shakes her head slowly, “They’re gonna make me go to the hospital for pictures. Alex isn’t happy with me…” her voice is low as she stares at her feet, “Nick let it slip.”

He steps closer to her and she breathes a sigh of relief she won’t reach for him or let him hold her…not within these walls, but she doesn’t deny herself when he moves closer to her. “Alex doesn’t have a right to judge you,” his voice is low, “You did it to protect yourself.”

“I don’t think anyone else sees it that way,” her voice is defeated.

Cragen’s office door opens and all four file out of the office Cragen leans against Fin’s desk and tells her softly, “You have to go to the hospital and get pictures taken. The evidence from the rape is long gone but Alex can at least try and get the pictures admitted, but Liv—”

“She was protecting herself, you can’t tell me that—”

“And she put her case in jeopardy on two potential counts, the chain of evidence has been broken with regards to whatever he carved into your body, Olivia.” Alex’s voice is unapologetic and Olivia tenses beside him and Elliot can’t help but step forward blocking her from the blonde’s view, “The rape will be he said, she said.”

Elliot bristles at Alex and Olivia cowers behind him, “Well that sounds like your problem doesn’t it, Counselor?”

“It’s about to be your problem when Lewis argues that _you,”_ she takes a step forward pointing at Elliot, “Carved and burned words into her skin in an attempt to pin it on Lewis.” Her voice drops an octave and when she opens her mouth again it’s seeped in dramatics, “I can see the headline now: ‘ _Former Rogue SVU Detective Accused of Mutilating Partner to Railroad Cop Killer.’_ ”

 _“_ Then you put me on the fucking stand—”

“Lewis would be chomping at the bit for piece out of you, Detective Benson’s former _rage-filled_ partner who she had already threatened would _‘break every bone in his body’?_ Wonderful,” her voice is dripping with sarcasm as she goes toe-to-toe with him.

“I never wanted anyone to know,” her voice is small as she stares at the linoleum floor and Elliot spins to look at her feeling the anger from the argument disintegrate at the sound of her voice. “I never wanted anyone to know, Elliot.”

“I kno—”

She shakes her head viciously, “NO! No, you don’t get it!”

His hand rubs her upper right arm his voice calm, “Then explain it to me, what am I not getting, Liv? I wanna know.”

“I never wanted anyone to know,” he nods as she looks up into his eyes and he isn’t surprised to see the tears filling her eyes but he never expected to see the regret, “Now you’re gonna pay the price. I just wanted to protect—”

“I know, Liv,” his voice is soft and he stares into her chocolate brown eyes, “I don’t care what _anyone_ says about me as long as you and I know the truth.”

“I ruin everything I touch,” her voice is shattered like crystal on concrete, “I never wanted this. Elliot if I had known…” a tear slips out of her left eye and down her cheek, “You have to believe me I wouldn’t have lied if I knew this was gonna happen.”

He wipes another tear away and kisses her forehead pulling her close to him and she buries her face in his chest and leans down to whisper in her ear, “You didn’t lie you protected yourself and everything is gonna be fine.”

“I wanna go home,” her voice is garbled with tears and from being pressed against his body. Olivia seeks the comfort he readily offers her without restriction, no longer concerned with appearing strong and impenetrable.

He glances at Cragen and then Alex and the two share a knowing glance before Alex finally nods, “The evidentiary chain is already broken I don’t see a huge difference with waiting until tomorrow.”

“Go home, Liv,” Cragen watches her pull away from Elliot and he immediately wraps his hand around hers.

“Thanks,” her voice is soft and her eyes are trained on the floor as they begin walking towards the doors of the squad room doors.

“Oh and Liv?”

Cragen’s voice makes her stop dead in her tracks and she turns around slowly lifting her head an inch after a moment, “Yeah?”

“Here’s your new department issued phone,” he pulls the new phone in the black case from his pocket and takes a couple steps forward until he hands it to her, “They already set it up.”

A smile graces her lips, despite her slightly puffy eyes, “Thanks Captain.”


	14. Kintsugi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was almost insanely long but I had spent most of my day (other than working) editing/writing this and I thought I'd post this now since it's ready and then you'll hopefully get Ch. 15 this week as well! :)
> 
> Mentions past episodes: Abuse (S2); Pursuit (S12); and whatever episodes Rebecca Hendrix appeared in (I don't like those eps. so I'm not sure).
> 
> Past abuse and neglect is mentioned but nothing really graphic.
> 
> Hope yall enjoy and let me know what you think please?!

When they return home Olivia disappears down the hall and a couple seconds later he hears her door open and lock. He hears the shower run for an hour before it finally turns off but she doesn’t re-appear until the late afternoon and her eyes bloodshot and puffy. He looks up in relief at the sight of her standing in the family room, “Hey you want something to eat?”

She shakes her head staring down at her feet, “Can I have some water?” Her voice is timid, her back against the wall, “Please?”

“Yeah, you never have to ask,” he stands walking into the kitchen and she follows about five paces behind him.

“I have no idea where anything is here.”

He hands her the glass of water and she mumbles a thanks and he watches as she takes a small sip, “I can show you?”

“What would it matter? You’re gonna get sick of me soon,” she leans her head against the wall staring at out the window on the far end of his kitchen, “People get sick of me fast. I’m annoying especially when I’m in one of _these_ moods, and I’ve been like this longer with you than anyone else...”

“Olivia,” she looks up at the use of her full name, her eyes apprehensive, “You aren’t annoying. This isn’t like when I kept "forgetting" the name of that horrible tea that you insisted on drinking, instead of coffee for that first month you were back,” there’s a small smirk on his lips and she rolls her eyes at him _finally_ admitting that maybe it was on purpose as she had always joked. The smirk falls from his lips a moment later, “You had an extremely traumatic event and I would be deeply concerned about you if you _weren’t_ struggling.”

“Usually when I get like this it’s cause something…a case hit hard, ya know?” _Nods._ “And if it reminds me of…my…her or how I grew up and I have to—”

“—Pay your self-imposed debt?”

Her eyes flit over to his and then away, “You knew…know…what I…”

“Figured it out.”

A tear trails down her cheek, “How? I know I never told you, never told anyone.”

“After that case with the little girl whose mom was the singer yet neglected her?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

He shrugs and takes a small step closer to her, “We caught a case about a month after and you had me pick you up at a Bodega down the street and I realized what you were doing.” His hand massages the back of her neck and her body tenses at the unexpected contact, “You paid a heavy price sometimes.”

“After Sonya? Yeah, I did.”

“Yeah, but I meant…” his voice trails off for a moment and he stares at her profile, she drops her head and her curtain of hair falls over her face, “After Sealview. The only reason,” a single tear rolls down her face at the mention of that place. His voice is gruff and tight and her shoulders relax at the knowledge that this is difficult for him too, “ _The only reason_ I was happy that you finally learned about my mom was that you stopped going to the cemetery. You stopped repenting for sins that weren’t yours to repent, I wanted that for you more than I’d wanted anything else that year.”

A sob breaks free from her lips, silent but her entire body shakes with such force that he can barely stop her from collapsing, “He raped me, Elliot. He _raped me_! How am I supposed to…I can still feel him…his smell…he pawed at my—” her hand grips the back of his t-shirt and he feels her nails dig into his shoulder blade. “How do I…I can’t…I feel him everywhere, how do I get rid of him?”

Her voice is pleadingly, begging him for an answer that he can’t provide, “I don’t know—” a loud sob against his neck cuts him off. He waits rubbing her back for a moment before he presses his lips against her ear, “But I’m gonna be here though to help you figure it out though.”

Her good hand claws at his back and he lifts her into his arms, cradling her as her body shakes and he carries her back into the family room, sitting down with her in his lap. She rests her head on his shoulder fisting his t-shirt in her hand, “How do I visit her after this …how am I gonna tell her this...how do I apologize to her?”

He presses his lips to the side of her head, “You have nothing to apologize for but…I’ll go with you if you want?”

She pulls her head away from his shoulder to look into his eyes and she’s surprised to see his own eyes are slightly red despite the lack of tears, “You hate…hated her though—”

He isn’t surprised at her honesty he’d told her as much and he kisses her head before he let’s himself slip into his mind and into the memories of meeting Serena Benson. “No, you were right I still hate her, but as much hate as I have for her, and trust me I do, I love you more. I’ll go with you whenever you want and wait in the car no matter how long it takes—”

“What’s in it for you?”

His hand slips in her hair as she watches him through suspicious eyes, “The chance to tell her how incredible her daughter is despite her, not because of her.” A sob breaks through her lips and she buries her face into his chest. His arms wrap around her trembling rubbing the middle of her back through her sweatshirt and covers them with the fuzzy blanket that was still on the couch from their time with Eli.

Olivia stirs an hour later sprawled out on the couch wrapped in the fuzzy blanket her and Eli had been wrapped up in yesterday, and disoriented in the quickly darkening condo. Her eyes search for Elliot, but the room is empty and quiet and she feels the tears spring to her eyes, her heart racing at the thought of him leaving her without a word.

“Oh good you’re up, I made—” she jumps and her eyes fly to where he’s standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding two mugs, “Liv? What’s wrong?”

“I woke up and it was dark and I couldn’t find you…I thought you…”

He flips the light switch on the wall extinguishing the darkness, but not her fears. He sets the mugs on the coffee table so he can sit beside her wrapping his arms around her and kissing her head as she tries to quell the panic racing through every part of her body, “I’d never leave—”

“—You did though,” she bows her head her voice low and broken as her hair provides a curtain of protection from his eyes, “You left before without saying a word.”

“I was stupid—”

Olivia bristles and her voice earnest, “You aren’t stupid, El.”

His eyes regard her carefully but he doesn’t comment, “I thought you’d be better off without me, I thought I was going to ruin you and I couldn’t let that happen to you.” He leans forward handing her a mug of chicken noodle soup and then grabs his own, “I had to protect you from me until I got better.”

She stirs her soup with her spoon but doesn’t move to eat it just stares down into the mug as though it has the answer she’s been searching for, “I could destroy you now. According to Alex _I am_ going to destroy you, what if you—”

“I’m not leaving you again I was self-destructing and I had to get…I got some help, a lot of it actually,” his voice is low as he sits beside her their bodies touching from their shoulders down to their knees.

“Therapy?” Her eyes glance at his profile and he nods slowly as he takes a spoonful of his soup careful not to look at her, “ _You_ went to therapy?” _Nods._ “Willingly?”

“Yeah, my idea too. I found somebody I liked finally…she—”

“She?” Her voice is rough, her eyes accusing, “Hend—”

“God, no there’s some mistakes I definitely don’t have to repeat to know they were a bad idea. She’s on the upper east side she actually reminded me of you, not her appearance, but her personality. She’s good at what she does like you," he smiles at her and his eyes glimmer with happiness, "Doesn’t take my shit and she always calls me out on it just like you, and I was able to trust her…like I do with you.”

“You ever fuck her like Hendrix?”

She moves away from him so she can sit side-ways on the couch watching him, he rolls his eyes at her accusation but stares back into her eyes, “One I never fucked Hendrix, we only kissed. Two no she’s younger than Maureen I did do a background search for her on her then-boyfriend, now husband.”

Her lips upturn into a genuine, albeit small, smile, “You haven’t changed, El.”

He squeezes her knee gently, “Neither have you,” he watches her mouth open, to argue, and he holds up a hand swallowing his last bit of soup before he says, “Not at your core.”

“What if I self-destruct?”

“You won’t.”

Brown eyes meet blue and her voice is desperate, “How do you know? Lew…he…he did a lot of damage what if I—how do you know I won’t, Elliot?”

“I can see parts of you that are healing themselves, it wasn’t like that for me. You’re not going to self-destruct…” he sets his mug down on the coffee table and she watches him carefully, “You ever hear about that Japanese art form with the gold?” _Nods._ “You personify that…your cracks aren’t going to lead you to self-destruction, they’re gonna lead to you turning into gold, Liv.”

* * *

She eats a bit more of her soup and they split a chocolate chip cookie he'd brought earlier from the bakery down the street, and then she slips away to her room and he hears the door lock behind her. It’s an hour later before he hears her door open, and he closes his laptop waiting for her to appear, “El?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you redo my bandages?” He appears at the end of the hallway and he watches her in the doorway of her room fiddling with an old Marines sweatshirt he’s given her, her forehead resting against the door frame. Her voice is broken, “I tried earlier but I…they don’t feel comfortable and my…” her voice trails off for a moment before she admits quietly, “My back hurts…”

He kneels by the bed as she lays on her stomach and her burns look irritated as he coats them in Neosporin, “Feel better?”

“Yeah.” Her voice is strained and her head is turned away from him and he presumes her eyes are staring at an unseen spot on the wall, “I thought you were sick of me and just took off.”

“I know I can be a stubborn son of a bitch sometimes, I never did learn how to _not piss off_ Tucker or keep my anger in check, but I’ll never leave you again. What I did to you is my biggest regret in my life, and I have to own that, but I can swear on my life that I will never do that to you again.” He intertwines his fingers with hers and his voice is thick when she attempt to roll over onto her back, “Let the Neosporin soak into your skin for a couple minutes, it’ll help.”

She lifts her head to face him and a single tear rolls down her cheek before landing on the mattress, “Will you tell me when I become too much for you to handle? I don’t like being left. My mom used to do it all the time after she thought I was old enough to use a microwave and fend for myself…I have memories of going to sleep with her home only to wake up and find her gone…”

“How old were you? 12? Teens?”

Tears fill her eyes and her voice breaks, “Seven...I know it’s stupid—”

“It isn’t stupid she failed you as a parent in every sense of the word and…” he squeezes her hand and she looks up surprised to find a tear rolling down his cheek, “…I hate her for what she did to you.”

Olivia turns over onto her back and lets him fix the mess she’d made with the bandages, and he knows that the move no matter how innocent and necessary is done with the intent of effectively ending the conversation about Serena and the only evidence the conversation had any impact on her at all are the silent tears rolling down her hot cheeks. When they had returned home from the precinct, she had been determined to prove to herself that she was independent, but only one good arm and her own fears had left the bandages awkward and uncomfortable.

“You never promised…” her voice pleads with him and he catches her eye before she squeezes them shut like she’s in physical pain, “Can…can you promise that you’ll tell me when I become too much? I won’t…I swear I won’t try to change your mind if that’s what you’re worried ab—”

“I’ll tell you _if_ it becomes too much, but you have to trust me enough _when_ I never utter those words. You’re my best friend and there is nothing that could ever change that or make me view you differently, you are always worth the effort it.”

Her chocolate brown eyes stare into his blue eyes so intensely that he’s pretty sure she may see the deepest depths of his soul, “You’ll tell me when?”

“I’ll tell you _if_ it happens.”

She rolls her eyes, “Promise?”

“Promise.” She nods and turns away to head into the family room, “Will you trust me when I never say those words that you’re waiting for?”

She stops her movements but doesn’t turn around, “I’ll try.”

“Liv…”

Her head hangs the tiniest bit and her shoulders curl forward, “El…if you never utter those words…everyone I’ve ever trusted has told me I was too much or too hard to handle. You’ll be the first person to _not_ tell me that, so I’ll try is the best answer I can give you right now.”


	15. Pizza and Scar Tissue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm splitting this into two so you MAY get another update this weekend, I gotta write more though so I can stay ahead of the game here! :)
> 
> Please let me know what you think! :)

They lay down early between the intense emotional day and the late night it has taken a toll on both of them. They leave the lights on but it doesn’t seem to help quell the anxiety still pummeling through her body. The bed dips for the third time as she lays back down facing the wall, and curling into the fetal position for a minute before she’s standing again. She heads for the bathroom and he hears the door lock behind her and the faucet turn on and he stares at the ceiling waiting for her to reappear.

It’s ten minutes later before he hears the sink turn off and he sits up, shock colors face when she opens the door to him sitting against the headboard, “What’s wrong? Did I…am I keeping you up?”

“I’m just worried about you. You seem anxious tonight?” They both know that’s putting it mildly she’s been to the bathroom four times in a hour and each trip lasts longer than the last, “You alright?”

“I can sleep on the couch, I know you’re tired from today and last night when I…when I kept you up,” she shuffles her feet staring down at them, “Your couch is comfortable I can—”

“This is your room if anyone is leaving it’ll be me, I just want you to feel comfortable. Would you like me to go?”

“No,” her voice is murmur low and thick.

“Will you come to bed?”

“I just don’t want there to be…I don’t want to make another mess,” she stares down at her feet rubbing the back of her neck with her right hand, “I felt like an invalid last night. I woke up just as he was… _climbing on top of me_ to the realization that I had…it was mortifying. I don’t want it to happen again, and if I don’t sleep it won’t,” her voice is strained.

He pushes the covers back and approaches her like he used to approach abused and neglected children, “You’re exhausted, Liv,” his voice is low and comforting.

She nods a little glancing up at him before her eyes fall again to the floor, “But I’m too scared to sleep…I don’t wanna dream about him.”

“Can I help?”

“How? You can’t stop him from climbing on top of me…” her voice is broken but there’s no tears just defeat, “He lives in my mind now…you can’t stop him…”

“I’ll hold you, that helped last night didn’t it?”

“We didn’t fall asleep until after four and we got up at like six thirty for Eli. He had less time to come get me, less time to torture me,” she glances at the clock on his side of the bed, “It’s only eleven thirty he’ll have plenty of time to torture me.”

Elliot lifts her chin so he’s looking into her eyes, “I’ll be here though and I’ll wake you up the second I hear you in distress.”

“What if you’re still sleeping or by the time you hear me, I’ve already…” she waves her hand in the air and he reaches for it staring at their intertwined fingers before he looks up into her eyes, “Just…what if this doesn’t help?”

He leans forward kissing her forehead and her eyes flutter closed at the touch, “I’ll hear you. I heard you…I _felt_ when you were having a nightmare in the hospital and I woke up, it’s no different here. Let’s just try, alright? If it doesn’t work we’ll try something el—”

“I don’t want to take those sleeping pills again, I don’t like feeling like that.”

He leads her over to the bed pulling back the blankets for her, “Those are a last resort I promise.”

She goes to him like a magnet once he’s lying beside her, his arms wrapped around her and her cast rests on his hip, “Can you talk? Tell me stories…or something?” Her voice is quiet her face pressed against his chest as she grips his shirt with her right hand.

He tells her stories of his kids, stories of him and her from a decade ago and she laughs remembering some of their lighter moments from their thirteen years as partners. He feels her body relax as she drifts off, and he talks for another twenty minutes before drifting off himself.

* * *

They arrive at the hospital before Nick sitting in a corner of the waiting room that’s empty Elliot has gotten them coffee while they wait for him to arrive. She nervously shifts beside him every few seconds until he finally reaches out massaging the back of her neck, “Gonna be fine.”

“Yeah.”

They both know she doesn’t believe it but neither verbalizes, he looks at her brightly marker-colored cast and smiles, “Maybe they’ll remove the cast and the stitches.”

She brightens at that, hope swimming in her eyes, “That’d make this day slightly less horrific.”

Nick pushes through the doors with a nurse and his eyes are kind but she can see the anxiety of the unknown and _how bad_ it actually is, “Liv they’re ready for you.”

Elliot stands with her and she turns to face him staring at the old linoleum flooring of the hospital, “I want…I have to do this on my own. He’s my partner I want him to know I can _do this_ …” her voice cracks and she sucks in a breath looking up at him and her eyes are panicked, “I have to prove—”

“—You don’t,” his voice is soft when he cuts her off and she opens her mouth to argue when he continues, “But I understand why you think you do. I’ll be here when you’re done, however long it takes.”

“Thank you, El.”

The time ticks by slowly and he spends most of his staring off into the distance wondering how the hell they got to this point, his mind whirrs with the information he’s learned in the past week. He lifts his eyes to stare up at the tiled ceiling and the harsh fluorescent lights attempting to stop the rush of emotion when he realizes it’s barely been a week. The trauma is more than he’d ever predicted when he first walked these halls of St. John’s, hell he’d been expecting her to kick him out of her room and her life. He never anticipated that they’d be at this point.

In the darkest of nights, he had prayed she’d forgive him and he’d be able to return to her inner circle, he’d never anticipated that this is how it would happen. Despite everything, despite the exhaustion that’s settled deep in his bones, despite the continuous ride on this rollercoaster of emotion he’s never been more confident of where he’s meant to be than at this point in his life.

He’s still staring at the ceiling when someone sits down beside him sighing and he straightens his body to face her partner, “How is she?”

“They’re taking off the cast, she has to wear a splint for a couple of weeks and PT, they removed the stitches,” the other man sounds worn out despite his previous put-together experience.

“Good, at least she doesn’t have to come back for that. How is she?”

The other man shakes his head and his voice is low and troubled, “How did you…I mean you had to change the bandages, right? With her arm she couldn’t have…how the hell did you do it without putting your fist through a window? I wanna go and beat up the fucking scumbag right now for this and you’ve done it for—”

“She doesn’t deserve it,” his voice is low and Nick watches him rub a hand over his face, “She wouldn’t…she isn’t in a place right now to understand that the anger isn’t directed towards her. I try not to let her see it…I try to be better for her, at the very least she deserves that.”

The other man’s mouth opens to respond when the woman in question steps through the doors and Elliot stands smiling at her, “The blue looks good on you.”

A smile slips onto her lips as she looks down at the blue splint resting in the sling, “Guess I can’t whack you with it anymore when you piss me off.”

“The memories will live on though,” they laugh and Nick watches them interact and a small smile settles on his face at the natural camaraderie that exists between them. Elliot glances down at the bag in her hand, “More bandages?”

The smile falls from her lips and she nods a little her voice low as she glances nervously at Nick, and Elliot steps forward blocking her view of him and giving the impression of privacy. “They took out the stitches but the burns aren’t completely healed yet, so the doctor thought I should keep using these. I couldn’t remember if we…I still had more at hom…your place so they gave me these.”

“Good thinking because I don’t think we do, do you wanna head home?” _Nods._

Nick walks out with them and he stands awkwardly by Elliot’s truck holding the evidence bag containing the SD card in his hand, “I know this wasn’t easy today, Liv, but thank you.”

She bristles shifting uncomfortably as her eyes skirt away from his, “Just…” her voice trails off for a moment, “Don’t make me regret it.” Her voice is gravelly and Nick can barely nod before she turns on her heel for the safety of Elliot’s truck.

The two men watch as she climbs inside slamming the door behind her more forcibly than needed, “She gonna be alright?”

“She always is,” he turns away beginning to walk to the driver side but he stops just before he turns the corner of the back of his vehicle, “Don’t break her trust, Amaro.”

* * *

They’re halfway home when she whispers, “What were you and Nick talking about?” He glances at her unsure of which conversation she’s asking about, “In the waiting room…I saw you…he looked angry and you looked…”

“How’d I look?”

“Like you were upset about something?” Her eyes glance at his checking to see if she can still read him and he nods, “…At me?”

“No, not at you. He asked me how I was able to do the bandages without putting my fist through a window…without wanting to kill _him_.”

He glances at her and she staring out her window and her voice is so low that he turns off the radio to hear her, “How did you?”

“You deserve better and right now,” he pauses as he pulls up to a red light and he rubs a hand over his face hoping she doesn’t ask him to finish his statement, knows her well enough to know she will.

“Right now, what?”

His eyes shift to hers as he finishes, “I don’t want you to think that it’s anger directed at you or to think that you can’t come to me with something.”

“You’re lying to me?”

“I’m not lying to you.”

Her face turns stony and her voice is unforgiving, “You’re acting like none of this bothers you when that apparently isn’t true, so how isn’t that lying?”

“You know that I would break every bone in his body if I could. Hell when you told me what he did to you I was gonna go then but you needed me and you’re my first concern, always. I just…I think you deserve to know that when you tell me something about him…or Ser—”

“Don’t please?” Her voice is pleading and he can’t help but glance at her again, wondering how her mother’s name could have such an effect on her.

“I don’t want you to feel that you have to wall off sections of your life cause you’re afraid of how I’m going to react,” he shrugs a little as he pulls into the parking garage. “You deserve better.”

He pulls into a parking space and turns off the truck but neither of them makes any move to leave the vehicle and she stares at the concrete wall in front of them, “You’re protecting me?”

“The best I can,” he sighs looking down at his hands and his voice is thicker than it was a couple seconds ago, “I know we’ll both get angry with each other.” He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, a smirk on his lips. “It is us…but I worked on controlling my anger better and if there’s a time for that it’s now. I just don’t want to be the guy who punches a wall because _somebody_ hurt you and I can’t deal with it. I never did like that guy…he reminded me of my dad, hell he was my dad or a version of him anyways and I don’t wanna be that guy with you.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Elliot Stabler?” A wet laugh escapes from her lips and she glances into his eyes, “People don’t usually protect me—”

He scoffs and his eyes are filled with hurt, “I did for thirteen ye—”

“You were my partner, it doesn’t count,” she leans her head against and her fingers play with door handle. “This time you’re choosing to do it, means more to me.”

He reaches out squeezing her hand before he finally opens his door and she follows and he wraps his hand around hers as they walk up the stairs. “I thought not being your partner anymore would cause you more division between us, I never thought that it would mean more to you.”

“Be thankful for that, means your brain isn’t as screwed up and damaged as mine.”

“Liv—”

“It’s fine, El. It’s been this way for longer than I can remember, and it’ll be this way until the day I—”

“Don’t finish that statement,” his voice is soft as he unlocks his door holding it open for her, “Besides it doesn’t have to stay that way.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ava could—”

Her eyebrows shoot her hairline and her voice accusing, “Ava?”

“Dr. Cross could help,” he opens the first drawer in his kitchen and pulls out a card handing it to her, “I think you’ll like her.”

Olivia stares at the card running her fingers over the slightly lifted words in black ink, “Nick mentioned that Cragen was talking about moving up when I could come back, if I wanted and I wanna go back. I don’t know who I am without work standing in the way,” her voice is quiet and Elliot is about to say something when she says even softer, “I still gotta talk to someone though or George.”

“Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know, feels more like you can tell a secret without them watching you’re every move like—”

“Like George?” She curls up on the couch and Elliot sits in front of her on the coffee table, “You think she could actually help make my brain less…” she waves a hand and says lowly, “There’s a lotta scar tissue up there.”

“I think it’ll help and that’s the first step, right?”

She picks at a coffee stain on his sweatshirt and she looks so small curled in front him, so unsure of everything, “I still can’t say his name…sometimes I can’t call my mom, my mom.”

They have both recognized her apparent inability to call her kidnapper and rapist by anything other than _him_ , and she’s realized he follows her lead. A show of unity and she’s more grateful for it than she can express this feeling of protection, that he does have her back.

“I know, maybe she can help you,” he moves from the coffee table to the couch beside her, “Can I hold you?”

“Please,” the sound is guttural and her body curls into his side and he holds her tightly against his chest, “Will you come?”

“Yeah, I’ll come Liv.”

Her head rests on his chest as she stares at the card in her left hand, “Will you call for me?”

“Now?”

“Please? Don’t wanna lose my nerve,” she buries her nose into his chest and he shifts grab his phone from the holster on his jeans.

Elliot orders them pizza for dinner and Olivia stares at her piece as though it’s personally offended her, “Each day feels like it gets worse. Being in that hospital room with Nick and the nurse, I’ve never felt more alone.”

“I’m sorry, Liv.”

Olivia laughs humorlessly, “Not your fault I was the one who has something to prove, guess that’s why so many people think I’m a bitch huh?”

“You aren’t a bitch and you’re allowed to need help sometimes,” Elliot watches her for a moment as she picks at her pizza, “You’re allowed to need someone. It doesn’t make you less than or weak, you’ve spent most of your life alone you shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting more.”

“That doctor of yours is gonna make millions off me. I was already screwed up alcoholic mom, my rapist father…how can I get anymore fucked up?” She drops her paper plate onto the coffee table staring away, “I must deserve it to some extent?”

“Olivia you don’t deserve any of—”

“—My mom would say I did,” her voice is low and she glances up at him, “You know she would…she told you as much.”

“Doesn’t mean she’d be right,” he moves closer to her massaging the back of her neck gently and her shoulders relax under his hand. “You deserve better, you deserve to be happy.”

“Hard to believe that when my own mother had told me that nobody could ever love me, and would tell me that again today if she was still alive. _Cause how do you love someone who—”_ her shoulder’s shake and she buries her face into her knees wrapping her arms around her legs as tight as she rocks.

It’s hours later when they’re laying in bed, her wrapped in his arms, and she’s breathing in his scent when she remembers something he’d said earlier, “El?”

“Hm?”

“You aren’t your dad.”

“You never met him, Liv. Be thankful for that but there’s more similarities than differences and my anger has always been a similarity,” his voice is gruff and she feels his nose bury into her hair, knows he’s breathing in her scent.

She pulls away from him just a bit and his eyes are a bit teary, “Yeah but I know you and I’ve never felt like you were going to hurt me, even when we were fighting. Besides from what _little_ ,” she side-eyes him and he shifts a bit uncomfortably but doesn’t deny it, “You’ve told me he wouldn’t have gone to therapy, much less attempted to get his anger under control. You did and I didn’t even ask you to, your kids and Kathy didn’t ask you to, you went of your own accord and it was _your_ idea. You’re a better man that he was, El.”

She reaches up to wipe away the lone tear that slips from his eye and he grabs her hand with his intertwining their fingers, “Thank you.”

“Will you tell me more about him…and Bernie?”

He releases her hand to wrap his arms back around her pulling her close to him, “Yeah…yeah I will. I promise.”

“Soon?”

“Soon.” He presses his lips to his forehead and whispers, “Let’s sleep now though, Liv.”

Her smaller body sighs, relaxing against his, “You’ll wake me?”

“Promise.”


	16. The Importance of Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh...take some warning with this one. Some mentions of child abuse/it's alluded too and a therapy session that is mainly Olivia in tears.
> 
> Also, this was a freaking marathon of a chapter, I changed the part after the waiting room like 20x before I finally decided and that WAS after I had written it like two months ago. Some new things were added, some were saved, some is almost an exact replica of what I had written two months ago.
> 
> (Just cause I'm proud, I'm clocking in at 4009 words for this chapter alone at the moment barring any glaring edits that have to be made.)
> 
> Also, please comment?! They make my day! :)

When she wakes up, she recoils from him refuses to move from her bed other than to take an hour-long shower and changes into a clean pair of sweats before she’s crawling back into bed. He knocks on her door asking if she wants him to help her with her back he’s met with silence, he knocks again thirty minutes later with breakfast and a cup of coffee. He leaves the plate and the mug outside her door and twenty minutes later on his way to the hall bathroom he realizes that both have disappeared.

It’s three hours later, just before noon before he hears the door open from his spot on the couch and he looks up as she carries her still full plate of French Toast and still full cup of coffee. She eyes him warily as she walks through the family room heading for the kitchen, she dumps the food in the trash and then she washes the plate and fork and then the mug.

He stands in the archway of the kitchen watching her dry the plate and mug and he can almost imagine the apprehension in eyes as she glances up at the numerous upper cabinets. “The plate and mug goes in the cabinet to your left and the fork goes in the drawer to the left of the sink, you didn’t have to clean those Liv,” his voice is soft but she still jumps into the air gasping in pain.

“Made myself useful for three minutes,” she turns around when everything is put away but her body is tense and she stands awkwardly on the floor mat in front of his sink.

“Does your back hurt? We don’t have to leave just yet—”

“I’m fine. Can we go…I just wanna get this over with?”

“Yeah, if you’re ready we can go.”

On the way down to his car, she stays five paces behind him and whenever he slows down to wait for her, she stops her eyes trained on the floor, until he finally begins walking again. Olivia sits carefully in the passenger seat, her back angled to prevent certain parts of her back from touching the seat as much as possible and whimpers when he unexpectedly brakes for a taxi.

“I’m sorry,” his voice is low but sincere.

“Fine, I’m fine.”

A Friday afternoon appointment has it’s perks she has to admit, the office is empty and the secretary gone for the day she stands near the wall until Elliot takes a seat. She makes herself a cup of coffee from the little table before she sits in the chair next to the door, and across the room from him. The coffee is lukewarm at best and may be worst than the sludge Munch used to make in the precinct, and it makes her wish that she’d drank the one at his apartment. The thought that it would’ve been worth the risk of being drugged at Elliot’s hand crosses her mind and she bows her head.

Inside her head one voice is screaming at her for her utter stupidity and a smaller voice fights back, argues that Elliot would never hurt her like that. The smaller voice loses and she shrinks her chair as the young version of her, who lives in her brain curls into a ball, and they both listen to how fucking stupid she is to trust him, hasn’t she learned yet that men _never_ like her for her?

“Liv,” she jumps a bit in her seat at the unexpected noise and she can’t help but let out a small gasp at the pain that radiates from her back and down her body, her eyes avoid his, “Did I do something?”

“No,” her voice is hoarse from lack of use.

“Did I do something last night…in my sleep?”

“No.”

He sighs watching as she stares at her lap, “Well I must’ve done something that hurt you or made you…did I scare you?”

“You didn’t do anything to me, Elliot.”

“Detective Olivia Benson?”

Her body jumps and the cup of coffee spills onto her left pant leg and the floor in front of her, panic settles over her face and her eyes are filled fear followed quickly by tears. Her eyes lift from the puddle of coffee on the floor into the bright green eyes of a woman with ginger hair and a kind smile, her chocolate brown eyes jump to Elliot searching for help, “I’m...I’m sorry I’ll clean it up…”

The woman just smiles and walks over slowly, bending in front of her but not touching her, “It’s alright I spilled my coffee on this floor a couple weeks ago the benefit of having hardwood? It’s easy to clean up. You must be Detective Olivia Benson?” Olivia nods and the woman smiles, “I’m Dr. Ava Cross but you can call me Ava, do you prefer Detective?”

“No,” her eyes downcast and her voice barely a whisper, “Don’t feel much like a detective right now. Olivia or Liv, Liv preferably it’s safer than…people who like me call me Liv.”

 **“** It’s nice to meet you, Liv. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Olivia’s eyes jump from her to Elliot and her eyes are a mixture of anger and tears, anxiety and sadness, “It’s alright Elliot only told me good things I do have some questions for you though.”

“Like what?” Olivia mumbles as she stares down at the wet spot on her sweatpants, can feel the lukewarm liquid against her knee.

“Elliot said he was a joy to work with for thirteen years but I’m not buying that so can we go gossip about him, please?” Olivia let’s out a breathy laugh and nods slowly, the doctor grabs some paper towel and then leads her into her office.

Olivia sits on the comfortable couch staring at her wet pant leg and Ava places the roll of paper towel on the coffee table in front of her, “I’m sorry about the mess.”

“That’s alright I’ll clean it up when we’re done, how are you today?” Ava reaches for the tape recorder sitting on the coffee table and catches Olivia’s eye, “I’m gonna tape record this is that alright?” _Nods._ “How’s your day going?”

Olivia watches as she places the tape recorder on the coffee table and grabs the legal pad and pen before she sits back in her chair across from the couch, “Anxious.”

“From being here or something else?”

She shifts uncomfortably, “Both I feel like I’m gonna fail at this.”

“You won’t if that was possible then I’d be out of a job, why would people even try something if they were already at their lowest?” _Shrugs._ “Have you tried therapy before?”

“Yeah, helps for a bit ‘til it doesn’t anymore,” her voice is small as she admits, “I hit a…I don’t know a plateau, I guess? I talk about what happened that led me to therapy but then they don’t…nobody ever helps with all the other stuff so then I stop.” Her eyes meet Ava’s for a moment and then flits away, “I feel like my brain…like my memories, my trauma is covered in impenetrable scar tissue and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Nobody ever tries to get rid of the scar tissue, no matter how long I go the scar tissue just gets worse and it never ends up helping, so I stop going and I just…deal with it on my own.”

Ava nods as she writes something down on the pad of paper, “Why did you choose to come to me then?”

“Elliot said he trusted you, I trust him. He said that sometimes talking to someone you don’t know is easier than talking to someone you do, like telling a secret without the judgment.” She runs a hand through her hair and her eyes stare at the tape recorder in front of her, “I thought maybe…he said you helped him and I want somebody to help me like that.”

“Does Elliot help you?”

She brings her knees up to her chest leaning back awkwardly on the couch, “Don’t know where I’d be without him…it causes me to, I get afraid and I push him away. I try to hurt him before he can hurt me so when he’s finally had enough and he _leaves_ ,” her voice cracks over the last word and her chin quivers, “I won’t hurt as much.”

“But it does hurt you, doesn’t it?” _Nods._ “Why do you do it, if you know you hurt yourself?”

Olivia’s brown eyes meet her kind green eyes, “I think I deserve it my mom would tell me I did. Elliot was there once it…it hurt to watch my mom tell my partner and best friend that I deserved pain because I was a bastard.” Olivia sucks in a breath and her hair provides a curtain for her face, hiding her, “He’s being so kind to me and I don’t think I deserve him. He’s willing to…it scares me how much he knows,” a tear runs down her cheek as she shifts again and Ava writes something again. “He could hurt me it’s… _terrifying_ being so vulnerable with someone that can shatter you in a moment.”

Ava nods watching her as she intertwines her fingers crisscrossing them over one another again and again, “Do you think he would?”

“When he’s around me, I believe him when he says he isn’t leaving me again. When I’m alone or…or just…not with him, there’s a voice in my head and it gets louder when he’s gone, tells me things that _hurt_ me.”

“What are you thinking right now?”

“He’s gonna leave me, that I’ll be too much and he can’t handle me it’s…I’ve been thinking about it all morning.”

“What does the voice sound like? Is it Lew—”

“Sometimes,” her voice is low and her eyes stare at the tape record still recording, “Sometimes it’s him other times it isn’t…” she let’s out a shaky breath and her voice drops again, “Usually it isn’t him. I wish it was him, it’d make it…it’d make it easier for me.”

“Why would it be easier if it was Lewis?”

Olivia pulls on the fingers of her right hand with those of her left, “People would judge me if they knew how…how fucked up I really am. I’m still not over her, so how can I possibly get over him?”

“Would Elliot?”

A tear trails down her cheek, “I don’t want him to think that I deserved it…”

“Elliot wouldn’t—”

“You don’t know the things I’ve done,” her voice is filled with regret, “I don’t…I don’t want him to think horribly of me I couldn’t bear to see him look at me differently.” Her forehead falls into her right hand, her elbow resting on the armrest of the couch, “My mom’s voice is trapped in my head,” her words are strained. “Did you have a good childhood?”

The other woman looks up in surprise, “Yeah, I—”

“Sorry that was inappropriate,” her voice is low as eyes close for a moment before they pop back open, “Just wanted to know if they existed.”

“You didn’t have a good childhood?”

The brunette scoffs and looks up at her, “El didn’t mention it?”

“Never.”

“No, I didn’t I was the uh…child of rape and my mom was an alcoholic who liked booze and men more than her bastard of a daughter,” her voice is sharp, but her body trembles as she readjusts herself again. “Elliot was my first true friend, everyone else before him was an acquaintance once I graduated school, switched precincts, or partners people forgot about me. They stopped calling, stopped asking me to hang out, except for El he was there and he was all I needed.”

“What does her voice tell you?”

The tears begin to trail down her cheeks but she doesn’t make a motion to wipe them away just lets them fall onto the arm rest, “Says mean things, calls me names…”

“What else?”

Her bottom lip quivers again and the tears flow down her cheeks, “That El’s gonna leave me again and this time it is gonna be all my fault.”

“What’s the one thing that keeps you up at night, your biggest fear?”

“Being forgotten. I’m horrified that I won’t have anyone left to…I don’t wanna be _forgotten…_ I don’t want Elliot to forget about me…” a sob from deep in her throat pushes through her lips and harsh. Her body propels itself forward so her forehead rests on her knees and her right hand reaches to grip the back of her neck, “I can’t lose him again.”

“When do you feel safest?”

“When El’s with me, touching me…holding me,” her voice is raspy, “I feel safest when he’s holding me.”

“Do you ever ask him to?” _Head shake._ “He just touches you freely, holds you whenever he wants?”

Olivia lifts her head and her face is red, eyes bloodshot and tear-filled but that doesn’t stop her from glaring at the doctor for a moment before she brings her knees up to her chest. Her forehead falls to her knees as if it’s too heavy for her neck to support, “It isn’t like he manhandles me or acts like…I’m his property or something. He just knows, somehow, he knows when I need something from him…some comfort and he just gives it to me freely.”

“How does that make you feel? That he just wants to give you comfort and hold you, be near you even?”

“Unworthy. He’s the first person to ever do that for me, nobody ever gives me anything for free.” Her chocolate brown eyes fill with tears as she stares at the organized but filled bookcase behind Ava, “I like who I am when he’s around. I talk a lot to him about things, it’s easier now than when we were partners.”

“Why?”

A barely-there smile appears across her lips, “There’s no line anymore. For thirteen years we toed a line but we never crossed it, I needed him as my partner more than anything else and I needed him to see me as this person who had armor and wouldn’t break. If we stayed partners he couldn’t leave me like everyone else, he would stay my friend as long as we stayed partners that’s what I thought cause…that was all I knew.”

“But then he did leave you for two years and a week ago he came back, not as your partner but as your friend, as your best friend right?”

“When he showed up at the hospital, he saw me at my worst and he didn’t care I thought I was broken beyond repair. The other day he,” she looks up at Ava for a minute and her eyes glimmer, “He said he could see parts of me healing…meant _everything_ to me, to hear him tell me those words.”

“That must’ve meant a lot to you to hear those words,” The doctor’s voice is soft and she looks down at the pad of paper before she continues, “Can I tell you what I’ve gathered?”

“Already? It’s only been,” she glances at the clock on the wall over Ava’s desk, “Fuck it’s only been forty minutes and you already have thoughts?”

“Have you ever heard of touch starvation?”

Olivia’s head buries in her knees and her arms wrap around her knees, holding them tight to her chest, “No,” her voice is rough and filled with pain, “Sounds painful.”

“Emotionally it can be it’s usually linked with depression—” a harsh sob from across the room cuts stops her and she watches the other woman rock back and forth a little. After a moment she stands and crosses the three feet between them before and kneels in front of her, “Do you want Elliot in here?”

Olivia’s head lifts to look into her eyes, “He can come in?”

“Yeah, he can come in if you’d like him too. You feeling comfortable here is the utmost importance and if Elliot will help you feel comfortable with me then that’s fine with me. Do you want me to have him join us?”

A sob releases from her lips but she doesn’t look up, “I can't...I don't think I can do this without him, can...can you see if he'll come in for me? I don’t think he will not after…I said…my brain just keeps playing tricks on me and I get scared and then I’m stupid…made him think hurt me—”

“I’m not angry, I’m worried about you and worried I hurt you while I was sleeping—”

“You didn’t, I swear you didn’t do anything,” her words are mumbled her head still pressed against her legs, “Will you stay?”

“Yeah, Liv if you want me here I’ll stay. Can I sit next to you?”

“Don’t touch my back though.”

Ava is watching from her chair and her voice is quiet but Olivia still jumps as though she completely forgot where she was, “Why can’t he touch your back?”

The brunette shrugs and shifts uncomfortably closer to Elliot, “I was stubborn and I didn’t want help…it was my own _stupid_ fault though cause now my back is on fire.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that you’re not stupid, Liv. I wouldn’t’ve worked with you for thirteen years if I thought you were stupid,” Elliot reaches over to grip her hand.

“Do you sleep in the same bed?”

“It isn’t wrong,” her eyes lift to Elliot’s and he stares into her bloodshot eyes, filled with a mixture of anxiety and fear, “It isn’t wrong. You aren’t—”

He squeezes her hand gently, “No it isn’t wrong you’re right,” Elliot meets Ava’s eyes and nods, “We usually sleep in the same bed.”

Elliot watches while she writes something on the pad of paper while Olivia leans her body against his side and green eyes finally lift to meet Olivia’s brown ones, “Are you sure nothing happened?” _Head shake._ “You don’t have to say it in front of Elliot, we can have him step out and you can tell me, nobody is going to get into trouble if it was an acc—”

“Nothing. Happened.” The brunette’s head lifts to glare at her and her voice is low but firm, “He didn’t do _anything_ I did this to myself. I just wanted a break for _one day_ cause every damn day it’s somebody new to tell, another appointment, something that requires me to give up more of my sanity because of him. I just wanted _a break_ and I tried this morning, I tried to be independent like…tried to be like who I used to be and I ended up torturing myself with memories of him and her.”

“Trauma isn’t linear, Liv. It’s going to take you time, you’re not held to a different standard even if you think you should be and the people you surround yourself with need to be able to understand that and put your interests first.” Ava watches her head fall against Elliot’s chest and he slips a hand into her hair gently and she sighs in relief, “Can I tell you what I think now?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s called touch deprivation or touch starvation simply put you crave touch. It’s mainly been studied in children and the elderly but it develops in people who have little to no meaningful touch with other people. It’s commonly seen in kids and adults who have suffered from a lack of positive touch whether by trauma, abuse, or neglect. In some kids who were victims of child abuse or neglect it’s been found to change how their brain works and leads to damaged intimacy and social skills—”

“Fantastic,” Olivia mutters sarcastically, “I was right when I told you my brain was messed up.”

“It’s usually tied to anxiety, depression—”

“I don’t want meds.”

Ava watches as she curls closer to Elliot and her shoulders tremble, “No meds Liv, not yet anyways. I’d rather unravel your trauma more before we go down the road of depression or anxiety that okay?” _Nods._ “I do have a bit of homework for you though?”

“Great something else I have to do.”

“You can do it at your own pace, it can be an ongoing assignment if you’d rather that way we can track your progress weekly and it won’t create as much anxiety. Researchers in the literature talk about a touch wish which is just when people with touch deprivation want to be touched more often by loved ones, and usually people don’t communicate their desire.”

“I don’t…I’m not weak…this is gonna make me vulnerable if people know that I’m so desperate for touch they can use it against me,” she pulls away from Elliot wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

Elliot kneels in front of her and his voice is soft and gentle, “Look at me Livia,” her bloodshot eyes meet his and he can see them fill with fresh tears immediately, “It isn’t being weak or vulnerable. You’re just going to put yourself first express your wants and needs with the people who love you and care for you the most, nobody is going to judge you.”

The alarm sounds softly beside Ava a soft jingle playing until she turns it off and Olivia glances at her, “May I leave now?”

Ava nods and smiles a little sadly, “Yeah Liv you can leave I’ll see you next week okay?”

Elliot stands so he’s no longer blocking her and she stands and the only indication that she’s heard is her soft, “Yeah,” before she walks out of the office.

“Liv—” Elliot cuts himself off when Ava raises her hand and Olivia walks out of the room he watches her retreat as the door slowly closes behind her and then he meets the other woman’s eyes, “Doc?”

“She’s hurt, Elliot. She’s been hurt her entire life by people who should’ve loved her and been kind to her, she’s going to need a lot of consistency, understanding, and love to make it through this.”

A small smile graces his lips as he enters the waiting area, his partner is curled up in a chair in the corner of the room, “You ready, Liv?”

The drive home is quiet, he turned off the radio the second the car turned on and she’s thankful that he knew she didn’t want the noise, “The mess was gone when I…I looked for it and I couldn’t…”

“I cleaned it up, you can change out of those sweatpants when we get home and I’ll put them in the wash, did you like Dr. Cross?” He rests his right elbow on the center console his palm up so she can grab it if she wants, she doesn’t reach for it but he leaves it there in case she changes her mind.

Olivia nods leaning forward a bit so her back doesn’t rest on the back of the seat, while she stares out the window, “She was nice to me, she didn’t get angry about the mess.” She loosens the Velcro on the sling and her elbow settles on the center console beside his, and he sees her hand twitch out of the corner of his eye and he gently intertwines their fingers together.

“Do you want to stop anywhere?”

“Just wanna go ho…back to your place, please?”

He nods and keeps driving for a few more minutes in silence before his voice breaks the tense silence again, “It’s your home too, Livia.”

“No, it isn’t I don’t have a home anymore, my home was destroyed by Le… _him_.”

“It’s your home too, until you decide it isn’t,” Olivia chances a quick glance at him, and his voice is so soft that she realizes that she doesn’t want to fight.

She leans her weight against the center console and breathes a sigh of relief, “You didn’t tell her about my childhood, my uh… _she_ came up and I asked if you had ever mentioned it, she said you didn’t bring her up.”

“Wasn’t my thing to tell,” he squeezes her hand.

“Thank you.”


	17. Family Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not including this right here, this is 8,278 it's an apology for being so late for this (I've been waiting for my next project for work and I write more when I'm working hahaha so I kept getting distracted. Plus I kinda got nervous that people were just liking this story to be nice but hopefully yall actually like this chapter rather (and hopefully I'm wrong...doesn't happen often ;) but I hope it happens today).
> 
> No real warnings this time, there's some inferred things that will be drawn out and talked about later but for the most part nothing explicit yet, also three cheers to me actually developing Elliot's kids...or beginning the process! Hahaha!
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day! Here's your gift yall, love me! :)

They take the stairs slowly up to his apartment her body is rigid and her back must be on fire if the sudden gasps that escape her mouth are any indication, she sighs in relief when they finally reach his door. He bends to untie her shoes so she doesn’t have to and he looks up at her as she looks anywhere but into his eyes, “Can I help you with your back?”

“I’ll be fine.” Her voice drops as she walks away from the door further into the condo, “Always am, I’m going into my room.”

Elliot nods from his spot on the other end of the couch, “Call me if you—”

“Yeah.”

He hears the door to her bedroom close but the sound of the lock is covered by guttural sobs that he imagines hurt her back even more and for the next thirty minutes, he listens to her sob from his spot in the family room and a few tears roll down his own cheeks while he listens to her. He hears the shower turn on after that and for the next hour he only hears the cascade of the shower, he’s in the kitchen finishing her tea when he hears the door of her room open.

He smiles as he approaches her in the family room from the kitchen, “Hey, I made you some of that tea you like so much and I have pain pills—”

“Don’t want them.”

“At least have some tea maybe it’ll help,” he holds the mug out to her and she sits on the edge of the couch holding the hot mug but she doesn’t move to drink the liquid. He sets the pills down on the bar before he sits down on the end of the couch watching her hold the mug but she hasn’t moved to drink it yet, “Did I make it wrong or is it the wrong flavor?”

A smirk skims across her face, “Pretty hard to screw up tea, El.”

“So, it is the wrong flavor. I’m sorry Liv I asked Katie to get the—”

“She got the right one.”

“You haven’t tasted it yet how do you kno—”

He watches her lean forward and place the mug on the coffee table pushing it away from her, “Smells the same, she got the right one.”

“Do you not want it?”

“I do.”

“Okay then why won’t you—”

Her right-hand tugs at the fingers of her left and he watches her face for the registration pain and finds none, “I didn’t see you make it,” her voice is low as she stares at her hands. “I don’t know what you put in there you could be…I’ve been drugged before with pills and alcohol, I can’t protect myself if I’m drugged.”

“I wouldn’t though, I’d never do that to you.”

Her shoulders curl inward as she sits on the edge of the couch, “You could’ve though. I saw the alcohol…the vodka in the cabinet when I helped you and Eli make dinner, and I don’t take my sleeping pills so you could’ve—” her mouth slams shut and she shrugs a little.

Elliot kneels in front of her, “I wouldn’t drug you,” he pushes her hair behind her ear gently, “Why would I ever do that to you?”

She looks down at her hands and he sees her cheeks heat and her face is cloaked in shame, “I shouldn’t have said anything.” A guarded smile appears across her face, but doesn’t reach her eyes, “Thank you for the tea,” she reaches around him and attempts to lift the mug when his hand covers hers and she looks up at him, “El it’s fine—”

“I’ll make you a fresh one.”

“No, it’s fine besides this stuff is expensive for how little you get in each box and I’m already running a high price tab staying here.”

He uncurls her fingers from around the handle of the mug and places it back on the coffee table so he can stand, “No, you aren’t. Come on let’s go make some tea.”

Olivia follows him into the kitchen watching as he dumps the mug of tea down the drain, “I’m being irrational, you’re not supposed to feed the irrational thoughts it just leads to the person thinking it’s acceptable behavior.”

“It’s just a fresh cup of tea and this is the first time, give yourself some grace,” he places the mug into the dishwasher and begins filling the pot that had been drying with water again.

“You had this same opportunity everyday for thirteen years and you never did it,” he looks up at her in surprise but she continues before he can ask any questions. “I’m being irrational about everything and it isn’t fair to you and I keep telling myself to stop, but then that only makes everything worse and then I create another hoop for you.”

“It’s just your brain trying to protect you. You’re at an extreme right now but you’ll center again, your mind is just hyperaware of what happened and it’s trying to protect you,” he puts the pot of water on the stove again and turns it on.

“You don’t even get angry with me though. I don’t act this way with Brian or Nick, Brian would…he’d get annoyed with me if I questioned everything he did, and you just take it like it’s normal. I let Nick get me a coffee at the first hospital after they rescued me, and the precinct when I was giving my statement, but you I question and I can’t stop it.”

“Trauma can distort things for awhile—”

“I wasn’t like this after Sealview, I went back to work immediately and…I was normal...”

Elliot grabs a clean mug from the cabinet as the water begins to boil, “You struggled, Liv. I know you probably feel like you didn’t, or it wasn’t as bad as this but you did struggle.” Olivia’s mouth opens to argue, her eyes black, and he has to admit he almost wants to let her just so he can see something other than tears in her eyes, “You just tried to hide it. You kept it locked inside you, and didn’t let me see it…until your walls finally couldn’t handle it anymore during the—”

“Lutz case…I remember,” and she does remember, remembers showing up at his home in Queens on one particularly hard night when Kathy had gone to her sister’s home for a girl’s night. “It was only once though; nobody knew how many nights I slept crying into my pillow or huddled in a corner of the shower. You know even more about me than you did know, and you already knew more about me than anyone ever has _in my life_. I just wanna tell you every horrible thing and hear you say it doesn’t matter and I don’t know why.”

“You told me you think your brain is screwed up so maybe the more we talk, the more it helps?” He turns off the stove lifting the pot over the sink to pour it into the mug before handing it over. “It’s not uncommon to swing to an extreme after a trauma,” he knows she knows it but he also knows the high standard she holds herself, the unattainable standards she has for herself.

“I don’t usually need anybody; I’ve always stood on my own two feet, even if I stood alone, I always stood on my own two feet without a crutch.”

“Well, I hope I’m not a crutch,” he side-eyes her and she smirks, rolling her eyes and then he shrugs leaning against the counter in front of the sink. “Maybe you don’t wanna stand-alone anymore? Ava told me that you need consistency, understanding, and love—”

“Yeah, I told her she could talk to you about general stuff…stuff that would help me get better,” she shrugs as her eyes drift from his to the steaming mug. “I mean you know basically everything I talk to her about anyways so it doesn’t really matter but—”

“You being able to trust her is important and it matters.”

She shrugs and takes a sip of her tea, “Still you know me better than anyone, and I wanted someone who knew me…and who wouldn’t hurt me to be aware of what she said, ‘case I forgot or something ya know?” She looks down and he watches her as her mind races, “It’s weird right? That I trust you with one part of my life but then I don’t with others, it’s irrational right?”

“Trauma can make you contradictory at times—”

“But I’m being so irrational about it, I trust you enough that I’ll let Ava talk to you but I don’t trust you enough to make me tea.”

“Maybe it has something to do with being alone with me, you feel a fight or flight response when it’s just us,” his face is open and understanding, “Not everything has to make sense right now, Liv.”

“You don’t scare me, I don’t think you’re going…I don’t like feeling like I’m a walking hypocrite,” she takes another sip of her tea staring in to the mug. “I keep comparing myself to who I was after Sealview, I was better after Sealview it made sense to me I only had myself to depend on and I did.”

He nods gripping the counter behind him, “You’re sleeping better than you did after Sealview,” his words are low but she can hear the hope that’s intertwined with them.

“Only if you’re there, that’s hardly anything to celebrate, you have to be holding me for me to sleep,” she rolls her eyes taking another sip of her tea.

“Small victories, Liv.”

She shrugs and he watches her face fall a little before she finally admits, “My back feels like it’s on fire, I can’t take off my sweatshirt cause of the burns.”

He wraps his hand around hers, “Can I help you?” _Nods._

Olivia lays on her stomach with a couple damp hand towels over her bareback and Elliot has pulled the chair from the corner to the side of her bed, “How’d you know a cool towel helps with the burns?”

“It works with fevers, so I figured it would probably help to cool down your back before we bandage it again,” he says it with a shrug like it’s common knowledge.

Her eyebrows knit together, “How’d you know it works with fevers then?”

“I have kids? My mom used to make me lay in bed or on the couch with a washcloth on my head whenever I had a fever, she used to think it was the washcloth that made me better and not the medication.” He watches her face drop a little and he isn’t sure if it’s from the information he’s revealed or if it’s from something else, her eyes fall away from his and he knows, “Your mom never—”

“No. Bernie didn’t believe in meds then, like Tylenol or Advil?”

“No, not after my dad had her committed and they shoved those meds shoved down her throat, it made her hate all medicine,” his eyes stare into hers and she’s a bit overcome with how open he is with her. “I know it must’ve been terrifying for her especially back then and I try to be more understanding, I mean having Katie go through it…and then everything you did for both of them, and me?”

“I know what it’s like to have no family and your family has always meant everything to you, I couldn’t let another illness destroy another family…and at least this was a real illness—”

“Alcoholism is a disease, Liv.”

“It’s hard to believe that after everything I experienced and she never got help and that was a choice she made,” her voice is cold and detached and he knows she still struggles with her beliefs. “I couldn’t let it destroy your family, your family means everything to me and I didn’t want to see it collapse around you. When you used to invite me to the kid’s parties, even though you knew I struggled, you still invited me and it meant everything. I had to protect that for you, family is sacred.”

He slips his hand into her hair, “You mean a lot to me too, you did back then and you do now.”

“I wasn’t family though and family is different, family is genetics and blood, I was just a co-worker at the end of the day.”

“You were never just a co-worker, you’re my best friend, and you were my partner. You saved my family and myself more times than I can count, it took you finding out about my mom to help me understand her.” He pushes the hair away from her face to stare into her eyes, “We choose our family, and you are part of mine.”

“I don’t have family, even with Simon I don’t _fit._ I’m the human version of that kid’s toy with the spaces for all the different shapes and I’m like trying to fit a square into the space for a circle, it doesn’t work. I’m all rough edges and hard corners and your family is smooth and connected, and _perfect_. I’ll never fit I’m used to it though, it doesn’t really hurt that much…maybe that’s why I’m a bitch.”

Her index finger draws lines and designs on his sheets and he watches her for a moment before he finally says, “If you don’t fit with us then why do my kids and Kathy want you to come to the park with us tomorrow?”

“Being nice or you asked them to let me come because you don’t want me here alone—”

Elliot’s fingers lift her chin slightly until he finally meets her eyes, “They want you there because they want to see you, I think they want to see you more than me, trust me. Will you come?”

“I don’t wanna intrude when it’s meant to be your family time, I can go to a coffee shop or have Brian come take me somewhere and you can have some alone time with your family—”

“They want you to come, Liv.”

She sighs and her eyes flutter closed for a moment before she opens them again and he can see the emotion in them even if she doesn’t look at him. “I love your family, El,” she glances up at him to make sure he understands and he nods, he knows that without a doubt, “Please don’t make me regret this.”

“You won’t I swear this isn’t a set-up to embarrass you or something, it’s just gonna be a fun day at Central Park and if you wanna leave we’ll leave no questions asked. They all miss you and Maur is excited for you to meet her kids, pretty sure I only got the invite cause we’re a packaged deal, according to Lizzie.”

Olivia smiles laughing softly and her eyes are bright and tired, “As long as you’re sure I won’t be intruding I’ll go.”

“You won’t, I promise.”

Her eyes are half-lidded but she still blinks at him slowly taking him in before she asks softly, “You talk to Bernie?”

“I try it’s hard sometimes but yeah I try to call her more, see her more often. I’m working on being more understanding with her it’s just how she is and I know that, but I thank God everyday that Katie takes the meds. I didn’t wanna have to set boundaries with my own little girl like I did…do with my mom. I allow more leeway now but still no child, and no parent should ever have to set boundaries for their parent or child.”

Olivia nods as she burrows her nose into the pillow and sighs, “Did this towel thing used to make you tired too?”

He laughs softly and assures, “You’re just relaxed, Liv. Take a nap, I’ll be here when you wake up,” her head barely lifts before her breathing evens out and he knows she’s fallen asleep.

* * *

The next morning they’re standing in the kitchen drinking coffee while he makes them eggs and bacon, “Can we stop at my apartment before we go? I don’t want them to judge the sweats, I want them to think I still have it together,” she bites her lower lip as she glances up at him from her coffee mug, “Please?”

“They won’t care but if you wanna go, Nick gave me your key at the hospital we can go whenever you’re ready.”

They’re pulling away from his building and heading towards hers and her voice is annoyed and defiant, “You should’ve told me Nick gave you my keys back. I can live on my own El and I gotta leave at some point your place isn’t my home even if I feel comfortable there, it isn’t my home and it never will be.”

“I like you being there and besides you’re not going back your place—”

“You don’t control me, Elliot,” she bites and he knows that they’re teetering on a fight.

“I know,” his voice is a whisper as he pulls up to a red light and he glances at her, “But I know you and you would move back in there just to prove to everyone, to prove to _him_ that he didn’t get to you. I wouldn’t be able to…I can’t deal with you being there knowing what he did to you in those four walls and…” he glances at her chewing nervously on his lower lip, “And—”

“What?” Her voice is raspy with anticipation and fear.

“I know you’ve only told me about the parts that you’ve felt comfortable talking about and I know there was a lot more—”

“Nobody slipped you the police report?”

“No, I wouldn’t read it anyways,” he hears her scoff beside him and her raspy sarcastic, ‘yeah right,’ and he glances at her his eyes pleading and sincere, “I wouldn’t, Liv.”

“You forget that I know you…at least I used to—”

“Still do,” his voice is low as he turns down the side street that will lead them to her place.

She side-eyes him, “It must be killing you to not know all the facts, every disgusting thing he did, everything he _said._ ”

“And if I know you, and I do, I know you left stuff out,” she glances at her hands and he watches her curl into herself, “I won’t say anything and you don’t have to tell me but—”

“I’m fine, El.”

“You don’t have to move back in there to prove that though,” he reaches out and squeezes her left hand gently.

“El—”

His voice is soft and she finds that she’s thankful for the interruption because she really didn’t know what to say but she can’t let him win, “I know he’s in your brain and I know this won’t help with that. I won’t let him hurt you in your home anymore and I know that isn’t much but it’s the best I can do without killing him or creating time-travel,” she smirks a little at the joke. "We’ll look for a new place or you can figure things out with Cassidy, whatever you want but not that apartment okay? Please?”

Olivia glances at her hands in her lap and then reaches out to intertwine her fingers with his, “Okay not that place.”

Her place is utter destruction and he keeps a hand on her back as they wade through the broken glass and broken objects, the bookcase behind the couch has been overturned. He glances into her kitchen where’s there’s broken plates and pans without handles when she stops unexpectedly almost causing him to run into her, “Liv?”

She’s staring at the ground and he looks over her shoulder to see what has made her go quiet and he realizes there’s a photo of them in her hands, “Sorry I just…I _always_ loved this photo of us.”

“Our first police gala and our first year as partners,” he stares at her dark brown chin length hair and he smiles, “I always liked that haircut on you.”

“Thinking about cutting it again,” she glances back at him nervously, “Maybe it won’t make me so self-conscious about people grabbing at it.”

“It’d look good on you.”

“You going to just agree with everything I say today?”

He shrugs wrapping his hand around hers, “It’s kinda hard to argue with ya when I agree with ya, Liv,” she laughs letting him guide him through the destruction to her room. “Do you think your purse is around here somewhere?”

“Probably but it’s worthless without my wallet,” she stares at what used to be her living room and turns away heading for her bedroom and he follows silently.

The mattress has been stripped and the room is more destruction, drawers pulled out and over turned, clothes everywhere. He stops when he sees a picture frame that had gone missing after an undercover assignment almost a decade ago and he walks towards it slowly, “You keep a picture of us by your bed?”

She looks up to the frame he’s holding, a picture of them with her on his lap and her nose pressed against his cheek, and she steps over a drawer to take the frame from him, “No, not usually.”

“Then why is it—”

“Mistake, must’ve been a lazy CSU tech,” she holds it to her chest as walks back towards her closet.

He watches her carefully, “Isn’t that the picture and frame that Cragen was still bitchin’ about two years ago, cause it was never recovered from that UC job for the child sex trafficking ring? The job that was like a decade ago, right?”

Her brown eyes sparkle and she smiles nodding, “He still bitches about it.”

“Not surprised he was worried our covers got blown or there’d be a hit out on us, and you swore that it just got lost in evidence?”

She laughs and he thinks it’s the most glorious sound he’s ever heard, “Yeah well I liked going under with you, didn’t want him to do some weird rotation with Munch and I.” She jokes and they laugh, she puts the frame and the photograph from earlier on top of some clothes she’s packed for herself in the small NYPD duffle. She glances at him as she zippers the bag and then hands it to him, “I wanna take those pictures, they’re mine don’t touch them please?” _Nods._ She grabs the long-sleeved blue top and he realizes it’s the one he’d always liked on her, and the jeans before she meets his eye again, “I’m gonna leave the bathroom door open cause I…”

She glances at her feet as she tries to find the words to explain why she can’t close the bathroom door in her apartment anymore, but he just nods understandingly, “I’ll face the wall with my eyes shut—”

“No!” She runs a hand through her hair in frustration with herself, “No, please?”

“Whatever you want, Liv.”

“Just stand so you can’t see into the bathroom, alright?” He steps over destroyed drawers and items of her life to stand in the corner of her room by the closet, so he can’t see into the bathroom and she nods in approval, “Keep your eyes open.”

She reappears fifteen minutes later dressed in the blue top he’s always liked and a pair of jeans that are a little too loose on her hips, her hair has been pulled back, and her make-up is done. “You look great, Liv.”

“I hope this is alright for the—”

“It is, you look great. You ready to go?”

Olivia nods and he sighs thankfully, “What about all my other stuff? I know I don’t have much…or much worth keeping but—”

“I’ll text Nick and Fin see if they’ll help me,” Elliot’s hand settles on the middle of her back and she smiles at him in thanks as they leave the destruction behind.

They are walking out of her building toward his truck when she asks softly, “I know it’s nice out and Central park isn’t far but can we drive, I’d rather not have to come back here today please?”

He unlocks the doors and puts her bag in the backseat, “Me neither,” he gives her a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and they get in. He pulls away from the building driving further than necessary for Central Park, but they’d still be early and after being there he thinks they both need some needless distraction.

They’re four blocks from her apartment when her voice emerges and she tries for confident and put-together but she lands on insecure, “Thank you for taking me there. I know you must’ve hated that but I…I couldn’t have handled being in that apartment without you, so thank you.”

* * *

He watches their feet as they match step-for-step and he wonders what year of their partnership that began, and why it doesn’t seem to have changed despite the time apart. “Liv?”

“Hm?”

“That thing that you said about your apartment,” he glances at her and her eyes meet his, nodding before they dart away to stare down at her hands, “That was all you. I may have been there for support, but _you_ did that not me.”

Olivia tugs at her top glancing down at herself as they pass some people rollerblading on the sidewalk, “Do I look okay? You can’t see anything, right?”

He looks her body a once over so there can be no argument and then he places his hand on the middle of her back, “No, you’re good Liv.”

“Dad!” Lizzie is running towards them, her long blonde hair in a ponytail flying in the wind behind her as her legs carry her towards them.

Elliot pulls her into a side arm and after a moment wraps his other arm around her body kissing the top of her head, “Hey sweetheart.” Lizzie pulls away a bit but Elliot’s arm stays wrapped around her shoulders and his other reaches for the brunette’s hand beside him. His hand searches for hers but he finds himself only grabbing air and he pulls away a little more to look for her, and he feels a creeping anxiety that she’s left while he was hugging Lizzie.

He sighs thankful when he realizes she’s standing about a foot behind him staring down at where her gym shoes are scuffing the pavement and her body language tells him she’s about to bolt. Lizzie abruptly steps forward before he can say anything but her footsteps are slow and purposeful until she stands in front of her, “Hey Liv.”

Olivia smiles and he watches her force herself to make eye-contact, “Hey Liz,” her voice is uncertain but he doesn’t think his daughter can hear it, she’s too focused on staring at the woman before.

The twins were only seven when she became his partner and they hadn’t formed the same opinions of her that Maureen and Katie had drawn. Lizzie had never formed the same opinions of her as her older siblings, even when she did get older, and he always noticed that when sarcastic comments were made about his partner, Lizzie would be unusually quiet.

“Can I…may I hug you?”

“Yeah,” Olivia steps forward first, the appearance that she knows what she’s doing, her face is battle between determination and struggle. Olivia’s arms are awkward and she keeps pulling away just before she touches his daughter, and he hears her sigh as she begins to take a step back, and it’s the first time he sees her as touch starved. Lizzie’s arms fly around her waist wrapping gently around her back, like she knows, and her chin rests on Olivia’s shoulder as the brunette’s arms finally wraps around Lizzie’s waist. “Thank you for letting me come, Lizzie.”

“Your family, Livie,” there’s a bubble of laughter a bit wet from both of them at the nick name and Elliot finds himself grinning. They pull away but Lizzie wraps Olivia’s right arm around her shoulders gripping hand and Elliot stays a few paces behind them and he can hear Lizzie telling her about school.

Maureen has a reserved smile as they approach and she points to the two little boys by her legs who are grinning up at the brunette, “This is William Jr. and Christian.”

They sit at a picnic table eating lunch meat and the lunch is filled laughter and stories that bring tears of happiness to her eyes. She sits in-between Lizzie and Eli and she finds herself in the midst of constant conversation between the two of them, until Eli finally has had enough lunchmeat and begs to go play. The twins are jumping from the picnic table, determined to copy everything Eli does and then they’re running off to the playground while Maureen laughs following after the three newly-energized boys. Elliot follows his oldest daughter a few minutes later and as he walks away, he hears the table erupt into laughter at a funny story Dickie had been telling.

He sits beside her on the bench while the kids pretend that the play structure is a pirate ship, “You were quiet at lunch.”

“It isn’t hard when you have those three rascals plus Lizzie at the table, by those standards you were quiet too, dad,” he laughs and he wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“Alright, that’s a fair argument but you were quiet,” her head falls to his shoulder and he kisses the top of her head, “Did you not want Liv to come?” His voice low and thick with fear that comments made in anger and jealousy decades ago, about his relationship with the brunette, may still be opinions that she still believed.

“No, of course I did. I’m happy she came,” her eyes lower to her where her hands rest on her small bump and the motion reminds him of Olivia. “I’m not like Kit Kat or Lizzie, I look at her and I don’t know how to…I’m emotionally-stunted, dad,” she says it as a joke but her tone is self-deprecating and he knows it isn’t a joke to her.

Maureen was similar to him in a lot of ways she held her emotions close to her chest, had always dealt in the black and white, she had become an account and then a CPA to deal strictly in numbers. Looking back Maureen had always been a bit different from her sisters, Kathleen had always felt things harder than most, and Lizzie has always been an empathic person. He knows that Maureen had struggled the most to understand Kathleen of his older children, her logical brain couldn’t understand the irrational behavior.

Lizzie had taken the bipolar diagnosis in stride and was easily able to put herself in Kathleen’s shoes, and Dickie was personable and a sense of humor to match. Elliot recalls the numerous times when he’d return home to hearing her bright laughter from something he was saying or of them in the family room laughing at the same shows. Maureen though hadn’t been able to understand it though for her and he knows it had separated them for a while, and he watched her set the same boundaries that he had with his mom. Ultimately, it was Maureen that convinced her to finish college and was the first one who mentioned the idea of Kathleen becoming a social worker, and he’d always be thankful to Maureen.

“You’re not emotionally-stunted you just have different skills, honey,” he kisses her head again, “She wants to talk to you, you know Liv isn’t actually great at talking about her emotions either—”

She pulls away to look at him as she argues, “But you always said that she was so great with the vic—” his nod cuts her off and she waits for him to finish.

“She is, but she’s never afforded herself that same grace she isn’t used to having people around her who actually care enough to listen to her feelings,” he glances at her and smiles a little sad. “If you explained it to her, she would understand but if you stay quiet or closed off, she’s going to believe it’s a reflection of her—”

“But you—”

Elliot shakes his head and he looks back to where the brunette is talking with Kathy, “Nothing that I say is going to help Maur, she already thinks she’s intruding, it would help to hear it from you.”

“Hey El,” the woman in question is walking towards them with a smile that falls away when she realizes they were having a deep conversation. “Sorry to interrupt,” her voice is insecure now and her eyes glance at Maureen apprehensively.

“You didn’t,” he smiles reassuringly but the smile doesn’t return to her face.

“Kathy has a question about whether we brought plates and bowls for the dessert and I didn’t—”

Elliot stands squeezing Maureen’s hand once before he nods, “I left them in the back of the truck I’ll go get them now.”

Olivia stands there awkwardly staring at the ground and she’s just about to move back to the safety of the pavilion when Maureen’s soft voice appears, “Liv?”

She jumps a little but looks up at her nervously, “Yes?”

“You wanna sit?”

Olivia sits at the far end of the bench and Maureen thinks that Olivia must feel more comfortable with her siblings than her and it hurts like someone’s stabbed her even if it was her fault. They watch the three little boys play together yelling something about pirates coming and Olivia asks so soft that Maureen almost doesn’t hear her, “Do you not want me here?” Maureen laughs softly and Olivia looks up in panic and her voice is detached, “I’m gonna go your dad promised me that this—”

“No!” Her heightened voice makes the other woman jump and Maureen sighs running her fingers through her blonde, wavy hair, “No Liv and I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you and I do want you here.”

“You barely talked to me other than introducing your beautiful twins, I figured you weren’t happy that I came with your dad,” she glances at the other woman anxiously and Maureen shakes her head.

Maureen moves closer to her but she doesn’t touch the other woman, “I’m not good with emotions, Liv. I’m a CPA for a reason, numbers make sense, I’m not like Kit Kat,” Olivia laughs a little at the nickname that she hasn’t heard Maureen say in decades and the other woman smiles. “Her and Lizzie do emotions, I don’t but I know a lot of horrible stuff happened to you and I don’t wanna say the wrong thing or do something that hurts you unintentionally.”

“Figured you were angry at me for…I know the rumors about your dad and I, I used to have to listen to them in the precinct so I can only imagine what you must’ve thought.”

Maureen nods a little but she glances back where her parents are talking and laughing as they pull-out dessert, “I know you’d never do that even if I used to hear those comments or the fights. My mom apologized to us after they finally divorced for dragging us into that and for venting to me when things were bad, you didn’t deserve that though.”

“Nothing ever happened, Maureen you have to know I would never…and your dad would definitely never—”

“I know Liv,” Maureen’s hand twitches and it takes her a couple minutes before she finally reaches out to grab Olivia’s, “I’m happy you’re here, your family. I’m sorry I made you think that, I’m just not good with…and then when I saw how badly you were hurt and I knew you were coming today and I didn’t want to—”

“I’m not good at it either,” Olivia intertwines their fingers squeezing softly before she asks, “Your dad tell you?”

“Said you’re great with victims but you never afforded yourself the same grace,” Olivia is lost in thought wondering why it’s so easy to talk with Elliot’s kids, when Maureen’s soft voice asks, “Liv?”

“Yeah?”

“Is dad really helping you? Eli told me about your legs and he said that you cry sometimes but then dad makes you laugh and you stop, I know it’s…I mean he’s just a kid so he doesn’t understand it completely, but does dad help?”

Olivia stares down at her lap, she’s removed her split and left it on the table they’ve been using and she rubs her hand against her pants, “Yeah, Maur. Being here with all of you helps actually, family isn’t something I’m used to but you guys including me like this it helps.”

Kathy calls for dessert and the three rugrats go running back to the pavilion and the two women laugh watching them, “I’m sorry not as good with talking—”

“You’re better than you think, Maur,” Olivia smiles as they stand.

Maureen smiles and her voice is timid when she asks, “May I hug you?” _Nods._

* * *

“Anywhere else you wanna go?” They’re walking back to his truck and they’ve spent the early afternoon at the park, “We had an early lunch and you only had a small sandwich—”

“Can I go see my mom?” Her eyes stare at her fingernails, trying not to draw attention to the weight of this simple question, “I can take a cab if you want I just…I need some money but I can pay you back for it—”

“You don’t have to take a cab, Liv. I told you I’d go with you whenever you wanted, if you wanna go today we can,” he unlocks his truck as they approach it and then he opens the passenger door for her, “I just need directions.”

They arrive forty minutes later in Brooklyn and he sees the all-to-common flower shop that sits directly across from the cemetery grounds and he pulls in to the empty parking lot. “What was her favorite flower?”

She watches in disbelief as he opens his door, “Red roses. El you don’t have—”

“She’s your mom I may hate her, but she brought you into this world and for that I’m forever grateful to her,” he reaches over and squeezes her hand once. “Besides, I know part of you still loves her and I never want you to think that it’s wrong for you to love her, so let me buy her some red roses alright?” _Nods._

They arrive at the cemetery minutes later and she directs him down the never-ending curving paths of the cemetery to the base of a hill in the back of the cemetery. He parks the car but leaves it running and he watches her gently touch the petals of the rose, “Will you wait here? I won’t be long I promise.”

“However, long you want I’ll be here. Take your time,” he rubs the middle of her back as her head bows, “I’ll be right here if you want me there to support you, you just gotta ask.”

Elliot watches her stand in front of the grave and a moment later she drops to her knees and he stares at the inscription on the stone, _Serena Benson – Beloved Mother._ He’s confronted with the memory of the first time he’d ever met the woman who brought Olivia Margaret Benson into this world.

_Fifteen and a half years ago:_

_They’ve been partners for six months and he already likes her, she’s good with the victims, can hold her own against the perps, and her sense of humor fits perfectly with his own. He feels comfortable with her and he can already feel himself wanting this partnership to last, to develop a level of trust with her._

_He’s standing in the precinct by his desk just about to leave when an older woman with long blonde hair and wearing a business suit staggers in barely staying upright in her heels. He approaches her a bit carefully, “Ma’am are you alright?”_

_“Where’s she?”_

_“Who ma’am?”_

_She points to Olivia’s desk as she walks towards it, “This my Livie’s desk?”_

_“You know Detective Benson?”_

_The blonde woman scoffs, “That what you call ‘er huh?” She plops unceremoniously into Olivia’s chair and grabbing the one and only picture frame on her desk holding it up for him to see, “Well I’m ‘er mother! She’s my Livie! Where she? I wanted to congratulate her on the new job!”_

_Elliot glances around at the empty squad room wishing that Cragen was still here, or better yet that he’d walked out with his partner rather than staying to finish a month of old paperwork, “Olivia left about an hour ago, Ms. Benson.”_

_“I called her and told her I’d stop by,” she scoffs and tosses the picture frame back on her daughter’s desk, “She’s flaky always has been.”_

_“Well, when did you tell her you’d stop by? I’m sure she would’ve waited had she known,” he walks towards the coffee area, “Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?”_

_“Since when can the NYPD afford tea?” She laughs humorlessly and staggers towards him and he barely catches her by her right arm before she topples over and her left arm lands on his chest, “Are you my flaky daughter’s partner?”_

_“I’m Olivia’s partner. When did you tell her, you were coming to stop by?”_

_“Whenever she started this Godforsaken job—”_

_“—That was six months ago ma’am—”_

_“—Oh, dear you clearly don’t know her as well as I do, she knows that this little crusade she’s on isn’t one that I support.” She smiles at him running her hand through her blonde hair and the movement reminds him of Olivia, “I’d like to know you better though,” her hand rubs his chest, “I can see why she likes you. She try and fuck you yet? My daughter loves to fuck men, little whore she is…always has been. I had to put her on that damn pill when she was barely thirteen years old cause she was such a little slut.”_

_“Ma’am how about I drive you home?”_

_The blonde woman runs her hand through her hair her voice sultry, “Maybe you can come in for a drink.”_

_“I don’t think my wife would like that too much.”_

_Serena’s arm loops through his as he walks her towards the elevators, “Mmm she won’t like my whore of a daughter then, she loves to fuck gives it up as long as they buy her dinner the little whore.”_

_He listens to her berate her daughter, his partner for the entire drive to her apartment and then he rides the elevator to her apartment to make sure she at least gets inside safely. The apartment has a doorman and he can tell it’s a building for people who can afford a high price tag and he can’t help but ask, “Is this where Olivia was raised?”_

_The woman scoffs laughing as though he’d just told her the most amusing joke, “No. She set my dreams back for a while wasn’t until she finally went to college that I was able to spend some money on myself, greedy little bitch.”_

_When she’s finally inside and he’s extracted himself from her grasp, he walks quickly down the stairs thankful that the blonde woman isn’t attempting to follow him. He hasn’t even turned the key in his Jeep before he’s made a decision, he’s never going to speak a word of this to anyone. That night after Kathy falls asleep, he lays awake thinking of the brunette and he wonders what the hell he did that made God think he ever deserved her. He came in early the next day, putting the picture frame back in the spot she’d placed it six months ago and when she strides in with two coffees thirty minutes later, he just smiles at her in thanks._

He rubs his eyes ridding himself of the memories and he watches as she kneels in front of the grave, he can’t tell much from her looking at her back but he thinks she’s talking. He doesn’t worry until he sees her body begin to shake with such ferocity that it causes her to topple over onto her right side, and the sight is enough to propel him from his truck.

He kneels beside where she’s curled on the grass sobbing and his hand settles on the middle of her back and he feels her tense under him, “It’s alright it’s ju—”

“No! No don’t…don’t hurt me!” She rolls onto her back her fists swinging colliding with his chest but there’s no power, he barely feels her hand against his body.

“Liv! Liv look at me,” he catches her eyes before they jump away from his again and he stares into her bloodshot and teary eyes, “Just me. It’s just me.”

Olivia moves to sit up slowly and he leans back a little to give her some much-needed space, “I thought you were waiting in the car?” Her voice is low and coated in betrayal, “You said you wouldn’t come out here unless I wanted you.”

“I got worried when you fell over and I wanted to check on you, but I didn’t mean to interrupt you I just got worried,” he pushes her hair away from her face and he can’t help but kiss her head.

She runs her hand over her hot and sticky face and shakes her head slowly, “You’re still an over-protective son-of-a-bitch sometimes you know that?”

He grins massaging the back of her neck, “Only for my family. You want me to leave you alone?”

A smile appears across her lips for a moment before it runs off, “No stay, please?” He nods and it seems to settle her, “I keep thinking about that time you met her…well the second time you met, but I thought it was the first?”

“Great minds think alike because I was in there,” he thumbs over his shoulder to where his vehicle is still running, “Thinking about the first time I met her.”

“You were always kind to her. You always treated her with respect even when she was drunk, I think I can count the number of people on one hand who treated her with respect and you were one.”

He moves to sit down on the grass in front of Serena’s grave, stretching out his legs as he picks at the blades of grass in front of him and the action reminds him of being a child. “It was hard even then to show her respect, especially when I heard how she talked about you, but she was your mom. I didn’t like her but I did like you even back then, and I wouldn’t disrespect you by treating your mom rudely,” his voice is soft as he tears apart the blade of grass in his hand.

Olivia crawls in between his legs curling against his chest and he wraps his arms around her, “I’m glad she isn’t alive now to see me like this. I’m glad that I don’t have to face her or admit this to her face, I was trying to tell her when I…” she presses her face into his neck and he feels the hot tears.

“I’m glad she isn’t either—”

She pulls away from him abruptly her bloodshot eyes searching his face, “Why?”

His hands cup her red and blotchy face as he stares into her eyes, “I’d have some choice words for her the dangerous situations she put you in. The things she did to you,” he uses his left thumb to push the hair away and he gently runs his right index finger over the jagged scar on her forehead, “How old were you when she did this?”

“Ten.”

“Why’d she do it?”

Olivia pushes his hands away from her face and presses her face back into his chest as her shoulders shake, “Don’t ask me that.” 

His hand slips into her hair and her shoulders shake harder at the comfort he so easily extends to her, “You wanna go?”

“I haven’t been able to get it out yet,” she sucks in a breath, “I try and I can’t get the words…I just cry,” she pulls away a little to wipe her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “I keep trying and I can’t…I can’t say the words to her I feel like I’m repeating the cycle, she’d be disappointed and angry with me if she was here.”

“You’re an amazing woman, Liv and if she wouldn’t be able to see how amazing you are then that’s on her not you,” she presses herself against him and he wraps his arms around her again. A cold wind comes through the sun has disappeared behind the clouds and she shivers against him, “Come on let’s go home.”

“I haven’t…I have to…”

“We’ll come back.”

“We?”

“If you want me here, I’ll be here.” He kisses her head before he stands and then helps her up, handing her the two sets of red roses each tied to together with a little string that he’d purchased from the flower shop.

She sets them on top of the headstone before she turns around gripping his hand as they walk back to his truck, “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Liv.”


	18. Describe Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS! Like major triggers!
> 
> Please seriously take precaution!
> 
> Triggers regarding Lewis and rape, detailed scenes of rape, child molestation is talked about, childhood rape, bad mothering/pimping out Olivia.
> 
> If you do read this, please let me know what you think :) If you can't read this and turn back after this sentence I totally understand and no worries! :)

**_SATURDAY EVENING:_ **

He sits on one end of the couch while she lays on a pillow propped up against his side and wrapped snuggly in the fuzzy blanket she likes. Some movie is playing on the TV screen and he thinks it’s a comedy but neither are paying it any attention, “Have you talked to your kids or Kathy since we left the park?”

“Yeah, they asked if they could have your number, told ‘em I’d ask you if it was alright?”

“Kathy too?” Her voice is tight and she glances up at him in time to see him nod, “That’s fine I have to thank them again anyways.”

“You don’t have to do that, you thanked everyone today before we left and then you had me text them when we got home, they wanted you there just as much as I did.” He intertwines his hand with hers as she lays on her side facing the TV screen, “You're family, Liv—”

“They invited me when they didn’t have to and they have to know how much that meant to me,” she’s quiet for a few minutes staring at the TV and then she sits up abruptly. “I could send each of them something…my bank is closed tomorrow but if I went on Monday—” Olivia runs a hand through her hair and her mind races as she stands, “I don’t have my license though. Do you think they’d let me use a paper copy from Cragen, I remember my security questions? Or I could go—”

“Liv, stop. They don’t need anything and they don’t want anything, you don’t have to do that with family they’d rather see you again than have you send them something trust me.”

Olivia shakes her head and he can already see the tears welling in her eyes, they've been somber since they’ve returned home and he knows tonight won’t be easy for either of them. The images of the apartment is mental torture for him and he knows her mind is far darker. Then the trip to the cemetery was like reopening life-threatening scars for them.

“They have to know what they mean to me, I have the money it’s just…he destroyed all my cards after he didn’t need them anymore so I wouldn’t have anything for myself.”

“We’ll figure out how to fix that situation on Monday but my kids don’t want or need anything from you, other than to see you,” Elliot’s fingers loosely tangle with her fingers. “You don’t have to buy their love, my kids love you cause your you and your infinitely cooler than dear old dad,” he laughs rolling his eyes and she smiles.

They lay down early that night both positively exhausted from the fresh air, but mainly from their time in that apartment and then the cemetery. She falls asleep first but Elliot lies awake longer going through a horrible hour of being on the brink of sleep only to have his eyes snap open to confirm she’s there, beside him wrapped in his arms. He buries his nose into the top of her head breathing her in and he tightens his arms around her before he finally feels himself drift off.

_He climbs on top of her sneering down at her as he grinds his naked hips against hers, and she unsuccessfully tries to stifle a sob, and she squeezes her eyes shut as she feels him press against her. He slaps her cheek and she cries out and then his voice is in her ear, “Keep those eyes open, Detective Stabler wants to watch me fuck you—”_

_“—NO! He wouldn’t—”_

_Another slap and he yanks her hair until she stares at the face of her former partner in the picture frame causing her to cry out louder, “He told me what a little whore you were.” He picks up the frame shoving it into her face and she a raw sob releases from her lips, “Your precious ‘El’ told me he wanted to watch me fuck you,” his hand grips chin and she stares into his cold, black eyes, “He told me how many guys you’ve been with.” He leers at her and his voice drops lower and she cowers under him, tries to turn into the fetal position as her tears cloud her vision, “I know how he always wanted to fuck you for himself and you thought that he could really love you didn’t you, how could a good Catholic man ever love you? Men don’t love whores, men fuck whores.”_

_She stares at Elliot’s picture as he pushes inside of her and a lone tear trails down her cheek. He’s still inside her grunting against her ear as she stifles a sob when she realizes that the bounds of duct tape around her wrists have magically disappeared, and she thanks him silently. The man may have left her without a word two years ago but she knows that somehow, it’s him who has removed the duct tape, and she knows it’s time to fight like hell._

_Olivia fights back._

“Liv!”

_She knees him the groin followed by a quick elbow to the jugular._

“Ow shit, Liv you gotta wake up!”

_She cries out as he stands again the beating hasn’t affected him, hasn’t hurt him in the slightest. He wipes a drop of blood from his lip and grins at her, “Now I really am going to torture you,” he moves towards her ominously and she sobs as she curls into a ball against her headboard._

_“STOP!”_

“I won’t touch you, I promise but Liv you gotta—” her face twists in pain and her right arm grips her left, “Liv. Olivia!”

_He lays her out stretching her limbs to the for corners of the bed, and she sobs, twisting and turning as he wraps duct tape around her, “You should’ve never hit me, you little bastard! You look just like him don’t you? That’s why even your mother couldn’t love a face like yours, why she had to burn you. I bet she didn’t even smoke. That’s how you know she really hated you. She spent her money on cigarettes just so she could have fun knowing that no man could ever love you, but you never learned, did you? You still believe Elliot Stabler could love you—”_

Her body is sprawled out like a large X on his bed and her head is the only part of her that moves—shoulder to shoulder—and he lifts her cradling her in his arms.

_“No! NO, I DON’T!”_

She frails against him but her limbs go slack and she grips her left arm to her chest. He pulls the comforter down to where they’re sitting against the side of her bed, and he wraps her up in the comforter.

_He yanks her as he slams into her again, and she sobs, still shaking her head as her limbs cry out in pain._

_“You’re worthless. ‘El’ told me he wished he could be here, but you weren’t worth his time.”_

_She sobs as she feels him climax inside her and her brain is minefield that she’s attempting to cross and then_

“Come on Liv, open up your eyes for me. Let me see those beautiful brown eyes of yours,” he wraps his arms around her trembling body. “It’s just me, it’s just Elliot.”

Her nose buries in his neck and she sobs, “El…I’m sorry help me…please help me, Elliot.”

“Right here Liv, I’m here just open up your eyes—”

A hoarse sob releases from somewhere deep inside her, “Where—” she pushes against his chest and her eyes dart furiously around the lit room. Her eyes find his for a moment before panic sets in again, and she’s pushing away from him, terror coating her voice, “Lewis…he’s here.”

“No,” her head shakes frantically and she’s pushing to try and stand but her body is trembling and her legs are shaky. He wraps his arms around her and her body is rigid as her eyes continue to dart frantically around the room, “Liv…Liv look at me.” He waits until her eyes finally land on his, “Good nobody is here with us, it was a nightmare a terrible one but just a nightmare,” she sobs into his neck and he pulls the comforter around her tighter.

He slips his hand into her hair and her tenses further and he’s removing his hand before she tells him, “Don’t. Don’t touch my hair.”

“I’m sorry,” he rests the hand against the middle of her back while his other grips her upper arm and she shrugs, he bends his head to kiss her forehead gently, “You wanna talk about it? You kept saying my name, was I—”

Her sob cuts him off, and she shakes her head, “Don’t.”

They sit there until the sun comes up and his legs went numb hours ago, and her tears dried quickly, but she sat there shuddering in silence. He realizes that he hates the silence the most.

Olivia’s brain was a never-ending movie of torture and yet she refused to talk, gave him one-word answers or complete silence. The only relative comfort that they both had was the fact that she was still letting him touch her, and Elliot wasn’t about to let his numb legs or bruised tailbone ruin this one comfort.

“Liv?”

“You want me to call Ava?”

She stands heading into the bathroom and her voice is shattered, “She won’t help on a Sunday, I’ll be fine.”

“Can I still call her and ask?”

“Yeah, but she won’t.”

His body is slow and sluggish and he takes two Advil’s while he waits for her to appear before he makes the coffee, “You ready for some coffee?”

“El?” He looks up at her as she cowers in the doorway of his kitchen, “Thank you for staying up with me.”

The coffee pot beeps and he grabs two mugs from the cabinet and then fixes it the way he knows she prefers it before he hands it to her, “No place else I’d rather be. You aren’t alone in this.”

“I can’t believe you just held me for _hours_ , nobody has ever done that for me…hell nobody does a quarter of the things that you’ve been doing for me lately.”

“Ava asked if we could come this morning.”

She looks up in disbelief. “It’s Sunday.”

“She’s in her office though for a few hours usually transcribing stuff cause her husband works on Sundays, so she tries to get stuff done when he’s working so his days off can be hers.”

* * *

Ava appears in the doorway of her office when they walk in, she’s in jeans and a burgundy sweater and she smiles at the brunette, “Hey Liv, you ready?” _Nods._

Olivia sits on the couch staring at her hands, “Thank you for seeing me, El said you try to get work done on Sundays but still I’m sure this isn’t what you intend.”

“I asked Elliot if you would come here today, he actually didn’t even ask about an appointment,” Olivia’s head lifts to look at her, “He didn’t tell you?”

“No, what did he…what did he ask about if it wasn’t for an appointment?”

“He told me about yesterday and then he said that you had a horrible nightmare and he asked how he could help you, I asked if you would come in to see me.”

“Did I hurt him…did he tell you if I hurt him?” Her eyes are nervous as she stares at into the other woman’s green eyes, “I couldn’t bring myself to ask him.”

“He told me that you were screaming and hitting him—”

Olivia can suddenly only hear blood rushing in her ears and she feels like she’s in a tunnel, and her voice is high, “Did I…I thought I was hurting _him_ , it was so real except…”

“Except when?”

“When the duct tape around my wrists disappeared, I thought it was El…I thought he was helping me but it wasn’t, I should’ve known better…” her voice is defeated as she stares at her lap. “I hurt him, how do I apologize for that?”

“Liv—”

“He’s gonna think I’m a monster,” she pushes her hand into her hair as she rubs her hands against her sweats and her voice is softer, “He’s gonna make me leave.”

“I doubt that and you’re not a monster, Liv.”

“He won’t want to hold me anymore though,” she stands pacing in the small area between the couch and the coffee table and the nervous energy is palpable, “Do you think he’ll tell Brian?”

Ava looks up and flips through her notes, “Who is Brian? Have you…” she’s skimming through her pages of notes, “I don’t think you’ve mentioned him before?”

“My boyfriend. He hates that I’m staying at Elliot’s he thinks I should be at his apartment he doesn’t—do you think El is gonna tell him?”

“Do you?”

She slips her hand into her hair, “No.”

Ava smiles softly at Liv as she nods, “Good because I think Elliot is fiercely protective of you and I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would change his opinion of you.”

“I hurt him though, I hurt him like they hurt me. I can’t just apologize for that and expect him to be able to—”

“It was a nightmare and you were fighting off a very real threat and Elliot is aware of that, he didn’t call today because he was worried for himself, he was worried about you. He said you were screaming his name and he was worried that he was hurting you in the dream, and when you finally woke up you wouldn’t talk to him. He wanted to know how he should help you,” Ava’s voice is soft and it makes Olivia stop pacing while she listens.

She wraps her arms around herself and Ava writes something down, “It wasn’t El who was hurting me, but Lew…Le...” she sighs as she falls onto the other end of the couch. Her elbows rest on her knees as her hands fall into her hands and she mumbles annoyed with herself, “I said his name earlier… I thought he was there with us and I said it, but now I can’t get his name out. I couldn’t tell Elliot what he was saying to me in the dream, I haven’t been able to tell him what he said to me at all.”

“I thought you’ve talked to him about what hap—”

The brunette sighs, aggravated and she tries again, “I have…I do but never about what he said…or what I confessed, and I confessed _so much_ and I can’t…” she shrugs.

“Why not?”

“Terrifies me. El used to tell me how great I turned out and I wanna hear him say it again and I don’t think he will if he knew…when he finds everything out, it’s gonna change everything.”

“Has he said it since he’s come back to you?” _Head shake_. “Have you asked him to?”

“How do I ask for that? I don’t want him to think of me as even more needy than I already have been with him.”

The red-haired woman writes something down again, “Do you think he’d deny you, that he doesn’t feel that way anymore?”

“No,” her voice is raw and low.

“Ask him. Ask him and trust him enough to know that he won’t let you down, that he won’t fail you.” What else did he say to you in the dream?”

Olivia shakes her head and her fingers tangle in her hair, “Can I ask you a question?” Her voice is low and detached like she’s expecting the other woman to decline her, “I need to know something.”

“Sure, Liv. Ask whatever you want, and I’ll do my best to answer you.”

“Can you turn it off for just a—”

Ava stands and clicks off the tape recorder, “You hold onto it, Liv,” she hands it to her before she returns to her seat across the room, “What’s your question?”

She tucks the recorder under her arm staring at a spot on the floor and her voice is detached, “Have you ever…can people who were sexually abused and raped as kids ever have a healthy sex life? I never get to see it but can I—I mean… _fuck!_ ” Olivia digs her fingers into her scalp, “I’m so fucking stupid—I just wanna know if I can ever not be a whore?”

“You aren’t stupid and you aren’t a whore,” the brunette glances up at her for a moment, “You were molested?” Olivia’s head falls against her fist and she nods a little, “Raped?” A sob and a nod, “Before him?”

“Yeah,” her voice is devastatingly low and broken.

Ava stands moving the box of Kleenex that was on the coffee table to the couch beside her, “Who hurt you? A family member?”

“My mom used to bring home guys from the bar and after they were done fucking or she passed out most of them would come knocking on my door. I thought she didn’t know that she was too drunk, that she didn’t know what was happening,” she presses fists into her eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the tears. “The one night the guy she’d brought home had a thing for kids and she pointed him to my room…she didn’t even care. The older I got the more I was expected to do if they wanted it, she promised them whatever they wanted as long as she got her alcohol.”

“Why would your mother do that to you?”

“She told me once that it was my price to pay for looking like the man who raped her, that I had to earn my keep for her having to deal with me every day. My mom was blonde, fair-skinned, and _gorgeous_ even if she was a raging alcoholic she was always gorgeous, always elegant. Serena Benson always turned heads anywhere she went, and I looked like scum and she was too beautiful and too elegant to love scum.”

Ava writes something down and then she asks softly, “What’s your question again, Liv? I want to answer it for you.”

“I just need to know if—he told me that ‘men don’t love whores, men fuck whores,’” a sob breaks and breathes in a deep breath, “I just wanna know if I can be loved?”

Ava writes something and Olivia wads some Kleenex in her hand and presses her face into her balled-up fist, her eyes are squeezed shut as she waits, “Liv you’re not a whore—”

“I just want to know if I anyone could ever love me or if I’m too broken for anyone to spend their time repairing?”

“No, you’re not broken. Any guy would be lucky to have you as a wife, and I know one who has had that privilege and I know he thinks the world of you—”

Olivia looks up alarmed and her voice is high-pitched, her words hurried, “He doesn’t know you can’t tell—”

“I won’t, that’s up to you. You should know though, he would understand and he wouldn’t see you as less than,” Ava’s eyes stare into the brunette’s and she waits until the other woman nods before she sets her pen down. “I have some homework for you, if that’s alright?”

“I thought I already had homework?”

Ava nods and her smile is assuring and kind, “It won’t take you long, I promise. I don’t like how you refer to yourself verbally and if I could read your mind I know your internal dialogue would be even worse. I’d like to ask you to list 10-15 words that you would use to describe yourself, words that internally say to yourself. If you do it before Thursday or Friday morning,” Ava side-eyes her and Olivia releases a wet laugh, “You could try and change some of the negative descriptors by using more positive internal dialogue.”

“Thank you for today, it helped,” her chocolate brown eyes meet green and the other woman nods with a smile. Her mouth opens and then closes and Ava watches her closely and she tries and fails to find the words to communicate her last request.

“What is it, Liv?”

She stares at the wad of Kleenex in her hands, “Can you…I don’t want El to see me like this…I want to go to the bathroom and…”

“Oh,” Ava nods understandingly, “How about I send him to go get the car, will that work?” _Nods._ Ava walks out into the waiting room and Olivia can hear her ask him if he’d pull up the car, she can imagine that Elliot wants to push but all she hears is his agreement.

“Was he annoyed or—”

Ava shakes her head, “No he said he’d be out in front waiting for you.”

Olivia climbs into the warm truck ten minutes later and her face had been scrubbed raw, in the bathroom down the hall from Ava’s office. Elliot hadn’t mentioned it and she was thankful that she had one person in this world who understood when she didn’t want to talk.

“Did it help?”

“Yeah.” She stares out the window and they return to silence, it blankets the car and it isn’t until they’re just a few blocks from his condo when she whispers, “Thanks for waiting.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

* * *

Olivia refills her water in the kitchen while he’s making a snack a few feet from her and her voice is distant, “I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Do you want me to—”

“No.”

He means to lay down early, he obviously hadn’t slept well the previous night but instead he stays up well past midnight searching and reading countless articles and academic papers until his head spins. He was an SVU Detective for over a decade and a cop for even longer, so most of what he reads is just a repeat of what he already knows from somebody who calls themselves a “doctor.”

Since he last slept in the guest room the mattress has gone lumpy, the pillows have turned into pancakes, and he can’t help the tears that roll down his cheeks. His dreams are plagued with thoughts of her taped to a chair, that picture of them on the nightstand, and why it had been in her room at all.

**_MONDAY MORNING:_ **

Elliot finds her staring out the family room windows when he appears at just after six and she jumps a little, glancing at him apprehensively, “Did you sleep, Liv?”

“No,” she mumbles and glances to the kitchen and then to the near empty mug she’s holding, “I made coffee I hope that’s—”

“It is and thank you.”

Her eyes watch him as he walks back into the room with his mug and sits on the couch, “Did you sleep well?”

He takes a long sip of coffee before he places it onto the end table beside him, “No.”

“Did I keep you up?”

He glances at her curiously and she drops her eyes to her empty mug, “No, just my mind couldn’t turn it off last night.” He glances down at the piece of paper on the coffee table, numbered one to fifteen but otherwise its blank, “What’s this?”

She sits on the other end of the couch and places her mug on the coffee table before she grabs the pad of paper turning it upside down and her voice is low and defeated, “Ava gave me homework—”

“I thought you already had homework?”

Her voice lights up a tad and she shifts to face him and her legs stretch out on the middle cushion, “That’s what I said too!” He smiles a little and she pushes her toes into his thigh gently, the motion is both an apology and a plea for him to touch her, to comfort her without her having to ask.

The somber mood returns and she wraps her arms around herself as she involuntarily trembles, “Apparently I don’t talk about myself in the nicest way, Ava wants me to write down fifteen words I use to describe myself.”

“That actually seems like it’d be interesting.”

She shrugs flipping the pad of paper over and stares at the numbers she’s written, “You don’t have to do it though.”

He realizes that she’s reaching out for help from the depths of mind and he loosely intertwines his hand with the hand resting on her leg, “This okay?” _Nods._ Her phone buzzes beside her and he watches her face fall a slightly, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, Cassidy wanted to have lunch today, I canceled it last night and he’s annoyed with me apparently I haven’t been very good about communicating lately…along with everything else I never do right.” A bitter laugh pushes through her lips for just a moment before she bites her lower lip, “I guess that’s why I got more homework huh?”

Elliot’s face turns stony and his eyes harden, “Is that why you didn’t sleep? I know you love him but you deserve more compassion when—”

“He’s just annoyed and I told you he doesn’t know how to deal with this stuff. He’s never been good with…with the…” her mouth clamps shut for a moment and her whisper is a devasting admission, “ _Victims_.”

“You do better for the ones you love, Liv. Even if you think you suck at it, you try to do better even if it’s hard he should never make you feel less than,” his words are blunt but his tone is soft and comforting.

She tightens her grip around his larger hand and leans into the cushions of the couch and her eyes close for a minute, his words send a warmth around her that feels like a blanket. Her breathing slows for a moment and she tries to imprint the words and the feeling that overcame her body, so she’ll have them forever. When she’ll replay this scene in her mind it won’t be quiet right and the feeling won’t be quiet as warm as it was when he’d said it and she knows it’ll feel like a stab wound to her heart, but still she tries. 

“Writing this down on paper terrifies me, it’s like admitting secrets that only I know and I’m worried that soon there’ll be nothing left of me that’s just _for me_.”

“I’ll do it with you that way you aren’t the only one losing some secrets.”

Her eyes open slowly and she takes him in, his eyes are sincere and understanding like he knows how it feels being asked to give up parts of yourself for someone else, “Why?”

Elliot stands grabbing a pad of paper for himself and he sits back down beside her, “After everything, this seems like a good activity for both of us.”

“You don’t have to share it with Ava though like I do, so you’ll still get to keep yours even if you write them down you can rip them up and they’ll still be yours. Mine stop being mine on Friday afternoon,” her voice lacks emotion and she speaks in simple facts, like it’s black and white, and he realizes that it is for her.

“You can read mine,” he squeezes her hand and a soft smile appears across his lips.

Her exhausted eyes meet his and she regards him critically, “She wants me to try and be more positive with how I refer to myself throughout the week, you gonna do that too?” _Nods._ His partner sighs and shifts uncomfortably but her voice is more assertive when she speaks again, “I have to be honest about this and it isn’t some joke, it’s my recovery and if—”

“I know that Liv and I wouldn’t joke about your recovery,” he releases her hand and her face drops again at the loss of touch, “I can go first if you want and then you can read mine before you do yours. That way you’ll know that I’m serious and you don’t have to go first, going first is always the worst you have no idea what to expect or how other people are going to react.”

“Thanks, El.”

He starts his list when she goes to take a shower and by the time, she returns with her damp hair resting against her shoulders and dressed in a fresh pair of sweats, his list is sitting on the coffee table. He’s in the kitchen and he smiles at her as she lifts the folded paper, “Want another cup of coffee? I’m gonna make a fresh pot.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

He watches her stare at the piece of paper in her hands but she hasn’t opened it, “You can read it.”

“Does this mean that you get to read mine?”

He grabs their mugs from the family and is walking back to the kitchen to refill them when he turns around, “No, Liv. I expect nothing.”

He stands in the kitchen busying himself with pulling out the milk and sugar again and he sees her sit down on the couch and from the corner of his eye watches her open the folded paper slowly.

  1. DAD/GRANDPA
  2. ANGER
  3. FAITH
  4. EMOTIONALLY CLOSED-OFF
  5. LIV’S PARTNER
  6. FAILURE
  7. WEAK
  8. ABANDONED LIV
  9. FEAR
  10. HELPFUL
  11. WORRIED
  12. FOUNDATION
  13. HOPEFUL
  14. LOYAL
  15. FAILED HER



He hands her the mug and sits beside her on the couch as she stares at the list in her hands, “I thought you were joking about this,” she whispers her confession. “I don’t really know what to say cause…when you said that you’d go first and do this for me I thought you were gonna do something mean.”

“I told you I wouldn’t,” he says softly and even though there’s only the slightest bit of space between them he doesn’t touch her, she shrugs her fingers run over his words. “Just couldn’t bring yourself to believe it?” _Nods._

“I have to somehow force myself to physically write 15 words that I call myself, call the DMV, call the bank, and all I wanna do sleep but I can’t,” she curls into him a little seeking comfort and warmth. “Can I keep your list?” Her nose is buried into his arm and her voice is mumbled like she’s ashamed of even asking him the question and he whispers a soft ‘yeah, Livia’ into her hair and kisses her head, “Thank you.”

His hand settles gently on her knee and she leans against him, sighing as her eyes close, “You want me to give you some privacy?”

“Stay please? _He’ll_ come back if you leave me alone and all I need is five minutes to rest my eyes and then I’ll get everything done…I promise.” Her voice is mumbled and he can tell she’s on the verge of falling asleep, her body seemingly making the decision for her.

He reaches behind her grabbing the warm, fuzzy blanket from the back of the couch and covers them both before he wraps his arms around her succumbing to promise of sleep.

* * *

They had slept until the early afternoon and then had spent an aggravating two hours attempting to explain to the DMV and the bank why she was no longer living at the address listed. The DMV had told her she’d have to come down and fill out a change of address form and be issued a new temporary license, and the bank was checking their policy regarding a temporary license.

Olivia had hot, frustrated tears rolling down her face as she slammed her hand against his kitchen table, and her voice pierced his ears as she yelled about it being _her money._ It was yet another reminded that she was completely at the mercy of somebody else to provide her with her most basic needs because she couldn’t access a FUCKING penny. He’d heard her door slam moments later followed by the sound of the lock, and he knew that she didn’t want to talk, she wanted to be scream and yell because it was better than the fear.

He sat in his kitchen presumably working on preparing dinner but really, he was spending his time staring at the screen of his laptop, reading some article about childhood trauma. He reaches a heading titled, ‘ **Childhood Sexual Abuse, Molestation, and Rape’** , and he’s just about to scroll past it but he stops himself when an unwelcome thought forces itself into his brain. He hears her door open and just barely manages to lock his computer, before she appears in the doorway as he’s closing the lid, gripping a piece of paper in her hands.

“Hey.”

The brunette stares down at the folded paper in her hands, “I did it but I have nowhere safe to put it so I guess you can read it cause otherwise—”

“I wouldn’t read it and I have a safe in your room, you can put it in there I’ll show you where it is and how to reset the code.” He opens the drawer of the nightstand on her side of the bed and punches the code into the small square safe and then he backs away, “I should’ve offered it beforehand—”

“You couldn’t have known that I’d be completely broken that I couldn’t even trust you with a stupid list of words,” she spits the words out but her face is pained, like she’s torturing herself. “Besides it isn’t my home you just keep giving me your stuff out of…I suppose the kindness of your heart, but it doesn’t make it true though.”

Elliot turns to leave the room but he stops and his hands gently settle on her upper arms, just enough to make her want more affection but she knows he won’t. “This is your home too and I’m getting a key for you, the building manager is dragging his feet but I’m on his ass,” a chuckle pushes through her lips and she grins up at him nodding a little. A grin appears across his lips and he lets go of her arms to move to the door but he stops again and his lips land on her head, “Be nice to yourself, and Liv? You aren’t broken.”

She presses her head against his lips for just a moment longer before she pulls away and nods, “I’ll try, I’ll be there in just a minute I just wanna put this away.”

“Put whatever you want in there, I know it isn’t huge especially with the Glock but—”

“You sure you wanna leave that in there if you don’t know the code?” Her eyes glance up and search his, “Do you still trust me enough?”

“You were always a better shot than me, nobody else I trust more than you.” He’s walking out the door when he stops and looks at her over his shoulder and his voice is light, “Oh and Liv? I still remember my badge number and my birthday I’m not that old yet.”

Her laugh is bright and airy and when she looks over her shoulder, and he finds that her eyes are glimmering, “Asshole now get outta here because this may take me a couple minutes.

He’s standing in the kitchen fixing their plates when he hears her door open and she appears a moment later in the doorway, “Thanks for making dinner again.”

“Don’t worry about it I like to cook its the thing I love the most when the kids are here and the thing I miss the most when they aren’t, I love being able to cook like this for you.” He turns on some random comedy show and they eat dinner in front of the TV, “I have to go to Eli’s school tomorrow.”

Her brown eyes meet his, “For the dyslexia?”

His eyes fall away from hers but he can feel her staring at him, “Yeah…Kathy and I have a meeting about his IEP.”

“I’m sorry that I haven’t asked about it, do you…do you wanna talk about it, El?”

“I’m just worried that kids are going to ostracize him for something that he can’t control, kids can be mean—” she scoffs and nods her head, “How do I protect him from that?”

“You dealt with Katie’s bipolar—”

“That was in her teens and college, it was hard…but he’s just a kid not even six yet, ya know? Lizzie wrote her letters backwards and we never experienced that with Maur or Katie and I was so terrified that she’d be _different_. Now Eli,” he grips the back of his neck massaging the stiff muscles, “I don’t want him to hate learning just because he has dyslexia he loves school, he has friends, and he’s so curious about everything I don’t want him to lose that.”

“He’s loved, El. He’s insanely loved and they can get him the best technology, hell you’ll get him the best technology you know that, you’ll get him whatever he needs to succeed so he doesn’t feel different. Kids are mean and you can’t protect him from that, but he’ll learn how to deal with the bullies and he’ll be come out stronger if he’s anything like his namesake,” she elbows him in the arm and they laugh.

“Were you good in school? I mean you must’ve been, right?”

She shrugs, “I guess?”

“Liv, I mean come on you can speak four languages, went to college, and National Honor Society,” his voice is light and dripping with amazement and pride as he recounts her achievements.

“I was a loner, El. I spent most of my time either fighting for her mother’s love or fighting for a way out,” she shrugs staring down at her hands.

“Do you think we would’ve been friends…in high school I mean?”

“Well, freshman and seniors don’t usually—”

He nudges her gently and she laughs, “You’re only a year younger than I am! Come on seriously, would we’ve been friends?”

“You were a jock and I was a nerd who tried to go through my entire life to that point being invisible, the best I can hope is that you wouldn’t have been one of the bullies.”

“I think you forget that I had a substantial interest in keeping my home life separate from the popular jock who played football if anything, you would’ve intimidated me.” She rolls her eyes at him as a hesitant smile appears across her lips and his eyes are sincere, “I mean come on you speak four languages when I can barely speak one, NHS, and college-bound.”

Her laugh is soft as she presses the side of her body against his, “Alright, so maybe we would’ve been friends in high school.”


	19. Unannounced Visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Child sexual abuse is talked about in a very round-about way but it is there and if you're triggered by that please take precaution/stop reading now.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! :) I love reading your thoughts

After Olivia heads off to bed and makes it clear to him that she is fine without him with her, he sits in the family room staring at his computer screen. It’s past midnight when he hears her door open, and she appears in the family room looking soft and vulnerable, and he keeps his voice soft, “Hey. I thought you went to bed?

“Couldn’t sleep,” she stares down at her hands, and he realizes she isn’t wearing the splint, “Did my exercises for my arm instead.”

He nods even though she doesn’t look up at him, and he closes the lid of his laptop, placing it on the coffee table, “Wanna sit, Liv?”

She walks towards him cautiously, like she thinks he’s going to pull the rug out from under her, and he reaches for her hand when she’s close enough, “Am I bothering you?” He shakes his head. “You were on your laptop though were you—”

“No,” his voice is raspy and low, “I was just doing some research.”

She turns around and begins to pull away to go back the way she came, and her voice is tight and packed with emotion, “Oh…I can leave you alone, I’m sorry I didn’t—”

“Trauma can lead to touch starvation,” his voice is soft, and he’s barely holding back his own emotion but still she jumps, her body tensing.

“I’m fine, El. It’s just some diagnosis so I don’t feel like I’m so fucked up, it doesn’t matter.”

“Especially child…” his voice cracks, and he sucks in a breath, and her head falls, her back still turned away from him sitting on the edge of his couch, “Especially childhood trauma.”

“El—”

“It happened to you, didn’t it?”

“A lotta stuff happened when I was a kid—”

“I’m not talking about stuff, Liv! I’m talking about—”

“I know! I know what you’re asking me! I know what trauma you’re talking about, and I can’t talk about it, don’t you get that?!”

“With me? You can’t talk about that with me?”

“I haven’t been able to talk about it with anyone. I buried it so deep that I thought I was going die with this secret,” she laughs bitterly and he stares at her back, “Two people have found out within the last two weeks, I can’t deal with you too.”

“I would never—”

“We did the same job and were partners for thirteen years, and then you left me without a word for two years only to turn back up again, and be this incredible friend while my life has crumbled around me. I want some semblance of who we used to be. Cragen is going to let me come back on Monday if everyone agrees,” He knows only Ava's recommendation matters, “But I’m going back a victim.”

“Liv—”

“I’m a victim, Elliot! You know it, I know it, my partner knows it, Brian knows it, Cragen knows it, IAB knows it, hell, everyone knows it! No matter what the hell I do…no matter what promotions I achieve, I’m a victim, and that’ll never leave my jacket, I don’t care what those people think of me. I won’t care when Tucker makes thinly veiled accusations that me being a victim is why I toed the line, why I took or didn’t take some shot.”

She crosses her arms in front of her, and she looks formidable as he stares up at her and his voice is sincere, “I don’t see you as a victim—”

“Why do you think I’m still here? You don’t coddle me but you’re always there and even when you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, you don’t get that look like you’re worried I’m going to break.”

“Liv, I don’t understand what this has—”

She sighs frustrated and pushes a hand into her hair and her chocolate brown eyes stare into his blue, “There were moments during our partnership when I wanted to tell you. I always got scared, and I’d bury it deep until the next time it rose to the surface, but I’ve written our conversation in my head so many times, edited it, rewrote it, and you know what I’ve realized?”

He shakes his head and after a moment his voice soft and desperate, “What Liv?”

“When I tell you, I won’t be able to stop myself just like I couldn’t stop myself with him I felt like I told him everything when I was in that house. I know I forgot some things and other things…I can’t remember…I can’t differentiate if I told him certain things, or if I just thought about telling him. The alcohol and drugs he kept pushing down my throat…they made everything cloudy and I can’t...tell the difference.” Her eyes are troubled and dark in the low-lit family room, and he wants to turn on a light but he thinks that any movement may have her scurrying into hiding, “I just need to…I just need…”

“What do you need?”

“I need to know that you understand why I can’t tell you yet,” he nods, and she sighs in relief and she can’t hide the yawn that pushes through her lips.

“Let’s go to sleep, Liv.” They stop outside her room, and he’s about to continue walking towards his room when her fingers wrap tightly around her wrist, “Liv?”

“Don’t leave me,” her voice is low and desperate. “Please?”

They lie down, but he doesn’t relax beside her even though her head rests against his chest. His arms are loose around her, and she sighs exasperatedly, “Why aren’t you holding me like normal?”

“I am. I have my arms—”

She pushes herself up so she’s staring down at him, and even in the well-lit room, her eyes are dark, and the look on her face can only be described as livid, “No you aren’t! You’re barely holding me, and your body’s rigid like I’m forcing you to be in here with me. If you don’t want to be in here then fucking tell me, but don’t act like this is normal!”

“I don’t want to hurt you again.” He stares into her fiery black eyes, and his voice drops lower and tears fill his eyes, “I don’t want to hear you scream my name like that again. You had the nightmare, but I had to listen to it, and your screams are going to haunt me cause I know I must’ve been hurting you—”

“No!” Olivia shakes her head decisively and her voice lowers, “You were not hurting me I know that I haven’t told you a lot. I know that I’ve been needy and selfish, that I ask for comfort without talking or without answering your questions, but no matter what he said or did, I never thought it was you hurting me. I’m struggling to keep my head above the water, but I have never believed that you hurt me or that you would’ve hurt me. You have to believe me.”

He watches her eyes change from a black back to the chocolate brown as sincerity floods her eyes, “I believe you, but I don’t wanna hurt you.”

A tear rolls down his cheek, and her hands settle on his face staring into his watery eyes, “The only way you hurt me is if you start acting like I’m gonna shatter. You haven’t belittled me since you walked back into my life. Please don’t start now, I get enough of that from other people. I can’t deal with it coming from you.”

He nods once, and his voice is packed with emotion and rough, “Lay back down, Liv,” she eyes him for a moment before she lays back onto her pillow. He tugs her hand gently until her head settles back on his chest, his arms wrap around her securely, and she sighs into his chest.

* * *

**_TUESDAY MORNING:_ **

“What time do you have to leave?”

“9:15, 9:30 by the latest?” The clock on the microphone says it’s 8:45 and she nods while he takes a sip of coffee.

“You sure you want me here alone? I can go for a walk or…I don’t think Brian works until the night shift, I can see if he—”

He watches her push the eggs around her plate with her fork and he keeps his voice casual, “Yeah enjoy having the place to yourself, Liv.”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Anything better than not having a panic attack and being curled in a ball when you get home will be considered a success.”

Elliot reaches across the table and squeezes her hand, “I know.”

Olivia is in the kitchen busying herself with cleaning up the mess from breakfast when there’s a knock on the door about an hour later and she jumps gripping the kitchen sink. She tightens her grip on her phone and has the thought that she should grab his gun sitting in the safe, but she argues she’s being irrational tells herself he lives in a safer building. Olivia peers through the peephole and her heart begins to race for a completely different reason as she stares through the peephole at the boy…the man on the other side. He’s waiting patiently and when she finally has enough dexterity in her fingers to flip the locks on the door she does, “Dickie?”

He laughs and grips the back of his neck, as his cheeks heat, “Hey, Liv. Only family gets to call me that now.”

“Old habits I’m sorr—”

“Your part of my family so you’re pre-approved, Liv,” he smiles at her soft and kind and she finds herself smiling back, “I hope I’m not interrupt—"

Her hand grips the door and she feels the anxiety begin to rise, starts from her feet and travels through her body, settling in her stomach. “No,” her voice is low and she wishes Elliot was there, he’d know what to do, he’d be able to mediate between his eldest son and her, “Your dad isn’t here right now though, but you can—”

“I’m here to see you actually, if that’s alright?” _Nods._ He takes a small step forward but stops glancing at her, “May I come in?”

The anxiety swirls around in her gut and suddenly there’s a pit in her stomach but she nods and steps aside and lets the door close behind him, “Did something happen? Are you in troub—”

“No, I was just hoping to talk to you for a minute if you don’t mind?” He watches her eyes glance nervously between him and the door, “Do you…we could go for a walk outside?”

Her head shakes a little, “No, that’s okay can you uh…lock the door knob though? Don’t do the chain though cause then El…your dad can’t…get in…” her voice trails off in a whisper and she watches him flip the lock. She wrings her hands together as they glance around the entryway before she finally asks softly, “Should we sit down?”

“Sure, Liv,” his voice is wrapped in understanding and sincerity but she still waits for him to move toward the family room before she follows. He stops at the kitchen and glances behind him to where she stopped a few feet behind him, “I’m gonna get something to drink, you want anything?”

“I’m good,” she waits for him to grab a bottle water from the fridge and then she continues to follow him to the family room. He takes a seat in the over-stuffed chair leaving the couch for her and she wants to thank him, express her gratitude that she needed that separation but the words won’t come out of her mouth. The younger man takes a sip of his water and she glances at her phone to find that it’s _11:30_ and she hopes that the meeting has ended by now.

“Liv?” His voice is like a knife though paper and it causes her to jump, “Sorry I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it was my fault I was in my head…what’s…are you sure everything is alright?” _Nods._ The anxiety rolls again and now it moves over her like a gigantic rock crushing everything in its path, “Dickie if this about me being—staying here with your dad—”

“I wanted to apologize for what I said as a teen, for asking you if you’d ever… _slept with your partner_. I was an asshole to you and you didn’t deserve that especially after everything you did for my family,” his voice is low but his eyes are sincere.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to come here just for that though—”

He rubs his hand over his military-styled buzzcut and his hand lands on the back of his neck, “I wanted to do it in-person. I was gonna do it at the park but every time we were alone it wasn’t for long and my dad texted us your number but it felt…” he waves his hand as his voice trails off and she nods a little.

“Like it wasn’t enough?”

“Yeah,” he smiles at her softly and takes another sip of the water, “I’m sorry though, I shouldn’t have ever said that to you—”

“I wouldn’t have ever done that to your family, you guys were like my family—”

“You’re still family, Liv and this time there’s no…we won’t take advantage of you like we have in the past.”

Her eyes meet his and she wonders how she never noticed how similar his eyes are to his father’s, “I need you to know that I never would’ve never jeopardized that, your and neither would your dad. I only ever wanted him to be happy and you kids and your mom made him happy and I don’t know what—”

“Their divorce wasn’t because of you, they just realized that they were better as friends, and they were right because they are better as friends. We don’t care my mom is happy and engaged, but my dad…I don’t think he’s met anyone since the divorce, he says he’s happy focusing on his company and us.”

Her voice is a whisper and she forces herself to look up into his eyes, “Nothing is happening now, your dad is my best friend that’s all I swear to yo—”

“I know that he’s been happier these past two weeks, and that’s all we want.”

“I never had a family growing up, and your dad being here for me right now…” she looks down at her hands, “Nothing is happening I would never want to jeopardize his relationship with you guys becau—”

“We don’t care, Liv. My mom doesn’t care we just want him to be happy and for you to be part of our family in whatever way you want, but we’re gonna be here for you—”

“You’re just kids, you shouldn’t—”

He laughs and his eyes glimmer at her, “Maureen has two kids and a third on her way I’m pretty sure we’re past the kids stage, besides your family.” His hand runs over his buzz-cut and lands on the back of his neck, and she wonders if all fathers and sons have this strong degree of genetics. He glances down at the Garmin watch sitting on his wrist, “I should go I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced I just wanted to do it when I could talk to you one-on-one but I sho—”

“You can stay, I mean if you don’t have anything to do? I’m sorry I was…” she waves a hand and her brain rushes to fill in the blank, wants to give the impression that she’s fine, especially after earlier, “I’m sorry I was rude earlier but you should stay.”

“Thanks Liv,” and she settles back into the couch feeling the tension in her shoulders subside, and the younger version of Elliot turns on the TV to ESPN where they’re playing highlights of College Football.

The door clicks thirty minutes later and it opens slowly, “Liv?” Elliot balances two paper bags precariously in his arms as he pushes the door closed again, “The meeting ran late and apparently—”

“Hey, dad.”

He stands helplessly as his eldest son grabs the bags from his arms, “Dickie is everything—”

“I’m good, do you two always go to the worst possible scenario?”

“Cop thing,” they both mumble at the same time and then they grin at one another as Dickie rolls his eyes.

“You guys are creepy and yes I’m fine.” He carries the bags into the kitchen as he explains, “I came to see Liv and then she mentioned that you were bringing home lunch and you know I never pass up free food.”

Olivia laughs softly as she stands his hand lands on her elbow as she passes, barely-there but it still makes her pause and look up at him, “I didn’t tell him…or ask him to—”

“I know he came to apologize and talk—”

“Did he say something to you because I’ll…you haven’t done—” she shakes her head adamantly and he cuts himself off staring into her eyes looking for any deception, “You sure?”

“Yeah, El. He was the perfect gentleman, you raised some great kids,” she smiles at him and then her voice softens and she looks down at the floor embarrassed, “I’m gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save me some eggrolls, if he likes them as much as you do I know I don’t have a chance?”

He laughs and kisses her head, “Go ahead I got your back.”

* * *

They spend the next hour talking and eating and Dickie fills her in on the Marines and community college, says he’s thinking he may re-enlist and then apply for the force. She watches Elliot swell with pride…and a bit of fear, but she watches him quash the fear before his son can notice and she groans at the thought of another Stabler on the force causing Dickie to laugh.

Elliot closes the door as he steps into the hallway with his eldest son as the other pulls on his hoodie that proudly declares Marines across the front, “What’d you and Liv talk about?”

The younger man smirks, “What’d Liv say?”

“That you apologized for something and were the perfect gentleman.”

“Man, she divulges even less than you, no wonder why you’re close,” he laughs as they take the stairs down to the lobby and Elliot reaches out for his arm so he stops on the last landing.

“Dickie, seriously what’d you talk about?”

The younger man sighs looking down at his feet as he rubs the back of his neck, “I just…I had to apologize to her for something I said—”

“At the park?”

His son shakes his head and then explains softly, “Years ago. I was an asshole to her and I thought I should apologize to her,” they finish the walk to the lobby. Dickie’s walking towards the front door of the building but then he turns back standing close to Elliot so he can hear his low voice, “You…you should make sure that she’s alright though.”

Elliot’s blue eyes turn harden over like ice over water in January, “Did you—”

“No! No, dad I swear,” his hands raise to surrender but Elliot’s blue eyes haven’t thawed and Dickie sighs, “I think…it should come from her, dad. Just make sure that she’s alright, okay?”

“El?” Her voice is a couple octaves too high even if she is floors above him and he looks up, can see her leaning over the bannister to look for him down below.

“Down here, Liv.”

“I thought something-” her voice cuts off when she sees Dickie standing by the front doorway into the building and her cheeks color immediately, “Oh…I can-”

Elliot hooks his hand loosely with her smaller, softer one and tugs just a little until she’s on the last step and he squeezes her hand gently, “We’re just talkin.”

“Besides I gotta go anyways it’s my buddy’s birthday and his dad got us tickets to a hockey game,” he pushes the door open with his back, “Bye Liv, bye da—oh Maur wanted me to ask if you’re gonna be at Sunday dinner this week?”

Elliot looks at Olivia and shrugs, “Up to you.”

“Oh, I’m sure Maureen doesn’t wan-”

“Yeah, she does besides you’ll keep that one in line,” he laughs as he points to Elliot, “My mom always says he doesn’t have a filter.”

Elliot rolls his eyes, “We’ll probably be there but tell Maur that I’ll text her when we’re sure.”

“’Kay thanks for lunch and I’ll see ya on Sunday.”

“Be safe tonight,” Elliot calls as the door softly begins to close and Dickie gives a thumbs up before he turns and begins walking down the sidewalk.

“I’m sorry that I—”

Elliot places his hand on the small of her back as they begin walking back up the stairs, “You didn’t do anything wrong so there’s nothing to apologize for, Liv.”

“I interrupted your conversation with your son, I should’ve stayed up here,” they walk down his hallway and she keeps a small amount of distance between them, “Won’t happen again.”

Elliot pushes open his apartment door holding it open for her with his foot before he follows her inside, “I’m not angry with you, Liv. Did you enjoy the time alone?”

She shrugs as she folds into herself on the couch, “I accomplished my goal and then Dickie came and…did he mention anything?”

“He didn’t tell me why he came, said it should come from you but he did,” he watches her fidget with her lower lip, “He said that I should make sure that you’re alright—”

“That’s it?”

He sits on the coffee table in front of her and nods, “That’s it. You came down right after and then you were there for the rest of the conversation about Sunday.”

She nods and glances at him, “It was my first time being alone with a man other than you, Nick, or Brian and my first time alone with a man in…in here since I was alone with _him._ I couldn’t turn my back on your son,” she glances down at her hands.

“Liv you could’ve called—”

“He wasn’t going to hurt me I knew that, in the logical part of my brain I knew he wouldn’t and I wasn’t nervous when I was with him at the park, but in here? I was rude to him and I had horrible,” she glances up at him and he sees the shame and remorse swimming in her eyes, “ _Horrible_ thoughts about your son. You raised this child who became wonderful man, a _Marine_ , and all I could think of was how badly he could hurt me before you found me.”

“Did he?” His voice is soaked in concern and she realizes that he’s still loyal to her despite the possible mess he could be creating for himself from pressing this issue, “Did he say or do anything that hur—”

“No, he just apologized for…for…” she looks into his questioning and concerned eyes and shrugs a little, “He asked me if we had ever—” she waves a hand and she sees anger pass through his eyes. “It was after he’d ran away, and I was fine but he thought I deserved an apology—”

“He was right,” she rolls her eyes at him and scoffs in disbelief, “I’m serious, Liv. You didn’t deserve to hear those comments from my kids—”

“I haven’t seen most of your kids in two years, and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen Maureen and Lizzie, and they could’ve easily feigned ignorance over past comments. The fact they didn’t shows more about the character of your kids than anything else, so please don’t be angry with them for the past?”

He stares into her eyes for a long minute before he nods, “Alright, Liv.”

The rest of the week passes and she successfully passes her physical and Elliot takes her out for lunch to celebrate, despite her insistence that it’s barely noteworthy. Her doctor and physical therapist sign off on her return to the field, with the instruction that she continue to wear her splint at home and she breathes a sigh of relief as they leave the hospital.

**_FRIDAY MORNING:_ **

A nervous energy surrounds her, wraps around her like an itchy sweater that she can’t remove and they both know the final test is today. Elliot glances at her over his coffee mug for the umpteenth time and it’s barely nine in the morning, “It’s gonna be fine she’s gonna sign off, Liv.”

“I know,” she stares down at the eggs on her plate before pushing the plate away, “I’m not worried about that.”

“Then what are yo—” her phone buzzes and it’s the tenth time in under a minute, she turns her volume down to silent and flips her phone over, “Everything alright?”

“Brian’s angry that I’m going back,” she rolls her eyes and he can see the tears shining back at him, and she shifts uncomfortably as she plays with her coffee mug, “What if I’m not ready?”

“You know you don’t have to—”

“Yes, yes I do. Who am I if I’m not Detective Olivia Benson? Nobody likes Olivia Benson, at least Detective Olivia Benson has a purpose,” she shrugs just barely and he watches her quickly wipe away a wayward tear with the back of her hand.

“I like Detective Olivia Benson.”

Olivia scoffs rolling her eyes as she waves a hand in his direction, “See? I’ve proved my point—”

He reaches across the table and wraps his hand around hers and squeezes it softly until she looks up, “But I love Olivia Benson, Olivia Benson is my best friend.”

Her tears shine brightly in her eyes, “Detective Olivia Benson is better, stronger, faster—”

“And _Olivia Benson_ is compassionate, intelligent, witty, drop-dead gorgeous,” she rolls her eyes just before she ducks her head, “Olivia Benson is my best friend. Do you want to go back?”

“More than anything. I love my job and I’m good…I’m good at what I do,” she looks up at him and he moves to the chair beside her, “But what if—”

“Cragen is still letting you keep your remaining time off if you’re not ready then you take it, all I care about is that you’re doing this cause you want to do it and nobody else.”

He watches her suck in a breath and then she nods slowly, “I want to do this, El.”

“You’re stronger than you realize, Liv,” he intertwines his hand with hers.

“Can I ask you for a huge favor… _another_ huge favor?” _Nods._ “My landlord is giving me until next weekend to get whatever I want from apartment before they just toss everything into dumpsters, but I can’t…I can’t go back in there, not again.”

He squeezes her hand and whispers, “You wanna write out a list for me and I’ll go tomorrow?”

“You’ll go tomorrow?” Her eyes dart nervously up to his face and he nods slowly, “I wasn’t anticipating that you’d go so soon I thought you’d put it off until—I thought you’d do it when I was at work. I can go with you tomo—”

“I can handle it, Liv. You shouldn’t be subjected to that again—”

“Neither should you though, it affects you too and if I can go with you maybe that’ll make it easier on you,” her phone lights up again they can see the light of the screen against the table and she sighs agitated.

“I’ll be alright Liv, I promise. Why don’t you talk to him and I’ll clean up the kitchen?”

“Thanks, El,” she squeezes his hand once before he stands grabs her phone swiping on the green button as she moves out of the kitchen and down the hall to her bedroom, “What is it, Brian?” His only thought is how tired her voice sounds, and he wonders how long Cassidy has been blowing up her phone to earn that reaction.

He’s sitting on the couch watching some talk show on ESPN and he thinks they’re discussing the projections of this year’s Stanley Cup winners but he’s trapped in his brain right now. He’s thinking of that article that first gave him the inkling that the abuse Serena perpetuated against Olivia went beyond mental and physical abuse, and landed in the darkest parts of humanity. Elliot doesn’t let himself think of it when she’s near him, worries that she’ll notice a change in how he regards her if she’s sitting right beside him when he falls into this particular hole.

“El?”

His eyes fly open, and he wonders when he’d closed them, “Yeah, Liv?”

Her deep chocolate brown eyes meet his uneasily, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Liv I guess I dozed off a bit while I was thinking,” he smiles softly up at her, “How was Cassidy?”

“He wants to do dinner tomorrow, since I canceled last week,” she pushes her hand through her hair nervously, “I uh…do you think my new debit card is gonna arrive by tomorrow?”

The bank finally let them order a new card yesterday, accepted the temporary license from the DMV with his address as her permanent place of residence. The idea of changing her address nearly caused a mental breakdown for her and it was only made worse by the idea that it wasn’t _actually_ her home, despite his insistence. She argued that there was nothing 50/50 here, she wasn’t helping pay the bills and he knew that from her point of view that meant he had control over her. Olivia had finally relented when Elliot had promised that he would accept deposit a check for $500 for allowing her to stay here.

“I think they said Monday or Tuesday, why Liv?”

She shrugs staring down at her hands and her voice is low and garbled, “Just wondering, can we go?” _Nods._

* * *

Ava smiles at her from across the room, “I received an e-mail from Captain Cragen on Monday, he’s letting you come back to work early if I agree?” _Nods._ “How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous. I want to return I don’t know who I am without work standing in the way,” she glances down at her hands and her eyes watch as she turns over her newly-freed left hand. “I talked about it with El this morning,” and the other woman nods encouragingly, “He said that as long as I was doing it for me and nobody else that he’d support me, but I wanted to ask him…”

The woman sitting across from her waits for a moment before she asks, “What, Liv?”

She bites her lower lip nervously and her eyes stare at the red light on the tape recorder, “I wanted to ask him if he’d let me come back. He told me if I’m end up not being ready, I can take the rest of the time that Cragen was gonna give me anyways, but I didn’t…I couldn’t get the words out and then Brian called and…”

“Are you planning on moving out?”

Olivia shrugs and her body trembles involuntarily, “I have to soon…next Sunday is a month since he kidnapped me and El’s gonna get annoyed with me soon. I think he already…he had his eyes closed on the couch this morning and I…I don’t think he wanted me to disturb him, but I was gonna ask him something and then I got…I think I’m taking a toll on him.”

“Did you ask him if he was feeling drained?”

The tactful wording of the question causes Olivia to roll her eyes but she still answers, “No, but I know he’d say no and then he’d say it was cause of something else and I didn’t want to watch him lie to me.”

“You know him better than probably anyone else, I’m sure you know when he’s lying to you?” _Nods._ “How do you know that he’d lie to you about that?”

She shrugs a little as her arms wrap tightly around herself, “He’s still gonna get sick of me if he hasn’t already it’s almost been a month. I’ve been completely dependent on him longer than anyone else and that isn’t appealing to a man,” she sighs softly staring at a spot on the floor that only she can see, “He did my homework with me.”

Ava’s eyes widen a bit and she looks up from where she was writing, “Really?”

Her voice is tight like she’s trying to hold back the intense emotional, “I was struggling…and he offered to go first, let me keep his list.”

“Did you read his?”

“He let me.”

Ava nods and jots something down, “Did he read yours?”

“No, he said he didn’t expect anything he didn’t even ask. He let me change the code on his safe so it can be… _mine_ ,” her voice breaks over the last word and she ducks her head.

“I’m glad you feel comfortable at—”

“I shouldn’t be though, it isn’t my home but it feels more like my home than my actual home did, Brian wants us to move in together and that makes me anxious but—”

“Your relationship with Elliot is different than your relationship with Brian, and that’s alright Liv. You were partners with Elliot for thirteen years and that degree of intimacy is profound, even if it isn’t romantic intimacy,” her voice is steady and coming from her it makes sense.

Olivia leans forward to capture every word, imprinting it in her brain, wants to remember this for tomorrow when the conversation undoubtedly arises over dinner. She’ll fail to be this eloquent knows that she will be awkward and it will only lead to Brian getting annoyed with her, that this will be meaningless but she still clings to the words.

“I had to ask Elliot for _another_ favor today, and then Brian called and he wants to do dinner tomorrow so I was gonna—” she stares down at her hands, “But that’s when I woke him up and I…”

“Got nervous?” _Nods._ “This uneasiness that comes from asking him for something, I’m sure that it’s you’ve struggled with your whole life?” _Nods._

“Elliot was the first person that made it easy for me,” her voice is strained and tight, “I was able to reciprocate when we were partners so I never felt like there were debts to owe.”

“Good friends don’t hold debts when you ask for help, Liv.”

Olivia shrugs staring down at her hands, “I just don’t want him to leave me again. I want to keep him… _happy_ with me,” she tugs at her fingers, “People tell me I’m stupid for thinking he won’t leave but—”

“Who tells you that, Liv?” _Shrugs._ “Is it his kids? If it is you need to tell Elliot, you don’t deserve—”

“It isn’t his kids,” her voice wrapped tightly in emotion, “They told me I’m family. They hugged me and apologized to me and…they said I’m family,” her voice awe-struck as she recalls the conversations she’d had with his grown children, “It isn’t them.”

“Then who?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Ava sighs and writes something on the pad of paper but doesn’t press that particular part of the issue, “He’s not gonna leave, Liv. I know he did and I know you’re still struggling with that but he thought he was gonna pull you down with him, that he would be so dependent on you that he’d ruin your career too.”

“I know…he’s told me that but I can’t...if that’s why he left me, then how easy would it be for him to leave me this time, when I can pull him down? He’s the only person I can completely trust in this world and I’m so…he means the world to me and if I lose him, I know I’d fall into an abyss,” she watches Ava jot something down.

“You’re not going to lose him, but you have to talk to him keeping these fears bottled up Ava glances at the clock and bites her lower lip as she contemplates, “I know I asked for your list for this week but we only have about ten minutes left and I want to be able to discuss it with you. Did you do it?” _Nods._ “Do you mind if we hold off until next week?”

“That’s fine, do I have homework for this week?”

“For this week, I only want you to ask Elliot these questions you’re torturing yourself keeping them locked in your brain—”

“I talk to you about them,” her words are whispered and desperate like she knows her argument is futile but she’s nothing if not persistent, persistent for a way out from this mental torture she’s created for herself.

The other woman smiles at her kindly, “I understand how difficult it must be to verbalize your fears at all, even to me, but I’m not Elliot and you need assurance from Elliot. I can’t give you what I don’t have, and you need to hear this from him, I know it’s terrifying,” the other woman scoffs, “You need to know one way or the other—”

“That’s what terrifies me… _the other_ , because what if—”

The other woman leans forward in her chair and her voice is soft but pleading, “Liv, I need you to promise me that you’ll talk to him?”

“I promise.”

“I think you’ll be thankful when you do, but you need to take that leap.”

Olivia let’s out a shuddering breath and then, “Will you sign off for me?”

Ava stands to grab the papers from her desk and she glances at the brunette watching her as she reaches for a pen to sign, “This doesn’t mean that you stop coming, Liv. If you want the healing that you spoke of during the first appointment—”

“I know,” her voice is strained and she looks down at the papers when Ava hands them to her, “Thank you.”


End file.
